I know, I know, there was no Rock of Love update last week. To put it bluntly, the Motorcross episode sucked. There was a motorcycle crash and a cat fight between Peta member Lacey (proving militants are fucking crazy) and Dallas (“They don’t put the word eat in meat for nothing, you fucking hippie”). It sounds more interesting than it was. As a result, I decided to skip the article altogether as a form of protest.

Week four was better….I guess. There were tears. Oh god, there were a lot of tears. Rodeo cried….and cried….and cried some more. By the end of the show, she honestly went from my favorite character to “jesus, just kick the nutty fucking bitch off already” status. In an hour! That is some serious crying. In between all of the crying, the girls had to write lyrics for the music of one of Brett’s solo songs and then sing it karaoke’ style. This brought more crying…from the wife and myself. There were tears of laughter and tears of pain. Mostly pain. They were all horrible. However, considering the source material, I do not suspect we could have expected much more. The two winning teams, Heather & Magdalena “The Man” and Samantha & Brandi C. got dates. Personally, I thought Jes’ team should have won, but that’s only cause I wanna see Brett get her into her under-roos…but that is another story all together.

So, Heather and Magdalena “The Man” go out that night and get plowed under (that’s drunk for those who don’t know). Way under. They proceed to come back to the house of harlots and get everyone drunk. Then it happens. Come on, we all knew it would. Honestly, I assumed it already had and they were just editing it out of the show. Really though, a hair metal (notice I did not call him a rock star) star is in a house with 25 girls who suspended their real “working the stripper pole” and “welcome to wal-mart” lives for a chance of A2M with him…it was only a matter of time. Lacey, Brandi C. and Heather spend the night in Bret’s room. A loon, a porn starlet and a stripper….overnight. This is like elementary math. The next morning all the other harlots are in full hater mode since the closest they have gotten to Brett’s dong is watching the leaked Pam An sex tape.

The next day there is the other date, and the Sam girl whines about worrying that Brett is only on the show to hook up (DUH). He tells her a few lies and she is good to go. Brandi C gets eliminated. I assume this is because once you’ve fucked one porn queen you’ve fucked them all, and outside of that she is really, really blank. And Rodeo gets whacked because she cries too much. Some tears = good TV. Constant tears = bad TV.

This week’s music inspired by the show:

To all the haters who didn’t get on the Brett Train: Violent Femmes - Kiss Off
To the three that took it in the caboose: Poison - UnSkinny Bop
To the waterworks that was Rodeo: Crystal Gale - Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue
To Lacey; Rock of Love’s New York: Faster Pussycat - You’re So Vain

…and this one I post because they make reference to it every. single. week.

Poison - Every Rose Has It’s Thorn

This week’s Rock of Love wasn’t quite the awe-inspiring hour that the first one was. It also should be noted that I was not drunk during this week’s episode. I guess that the two sorta go hand in hand. Just one week in and I was already having a hard time finding the inspiration to continue this series, so I made myself a drink. Magically, inspiration soon followed, and drinking seems as good a place as any to start this week’s summary.

Nothing says noon like a cocktail…or eight, and these girls keep proving that you can gussy up a turd with bleach blond hair and huge titties, but it’s still gonna smell like shit. I once heard an old adage that that the best way to tell if you caught the killer was to lock up your suspects. The innocent ones won’t sleep a wink, but the guilty fella will sleep like a baby cause it just doesn’t matter for him anymore. A stripper pole in a room with more CC’s of silicone than points of IQ has much the same effect at helping to identify the whores. So, at noon thirty with a gaggle of drunk hags and a stripper pole, it should not have surprised to anyone when the tops fell off and lesbian body shots started. Obviously. You had the obligatory girls french-kissing. Of course. And you get the group of girls that, while on a show trying to fuck Bret-freaking-Michaels, are gonna sit outside and talk trash about the whores inside. Naturally.

And now we see the natural separation of the female residents. On one side you have the group that fully embraces their whore-ness. They like to call themselves the A-Team. The Varsity Squad. On the other side you have the other group of girls, that while on a show trying to fuck Bret-freaking-Michaels, are considered the prudes. Whatever. In the end they’re all gonna end up pregnant in a trailer anyway. This separation has also began to show signs of entertainment with Lucy throwing Jes in the pool and Heather going to Brett in an effort to get Clown-titties (Erin) tossed outta the house.

Then there was the ‘challenge’ I named this piece for. The “Who can make Brett the hardest via phone sex” challenge. I should have been drunk for this. How could they tell the winner you ask? They had a device to measure blood flow in the cock artery, or course! Yeah, this was the train wreck you watch garbage like this for. Predictably some of this girls were grizzled vets at the phone sexeration, while others stumbled through like a 16 year old in backseat of their moms car.

Finally, this week saw the departure of Tiffany. I was really hoping the producers would keep her around for a few more weeks, but I guess with the uber-whores versus the not quite as uber uber-whore drama unfolding they felt they did not need the slobbering mess that is Tiffany around. So I raise this glass to you Tiffany and offer this toast, “Don’t threaten me with a good time!”. Even if her departure was anti-climatic, I am gonna dedicate these first two songs to busted ass Tiffany:

Poison - I Won’t Forget You
Poison - Nothin’ But A Good Time
And this weeks theme song: Poison - Talk Dirty To Me

Update: Turns out that, per TMZ, fresh off the taping of Rock of Love, Brandi C. took the screen name Brittany and made her bid for stardom the only way her vapid little brain knew how — shooting a porn flick! OF COURSE! You can see a totally, as in full penetration, NSFW preview of the movie over on babygotboobs.com.

Okay. Since My Name is Earl went into reruns, outside of Man Vs. Wild I have been bored with TV. Meadowlands….already deleted the scheduled recording from the box. Sure, John From Cincinnati is interesting, but so far it is moving at the pace of Carnival and it’s just as vague, and that’s a bad thing. The only bright spots in TV land currently are Top Chef and Flight of the Conchords.

All of the above was true until last Sunday. Yes, all of that was pre-Rock of Love.

What do you do when Flava of Love has run it’s course? You replace the hiphop dude with a hair-metal dude and the ghetto bitches with trailer trash. TV gold. Seriously. I mean, it’s VH1 so it’s trashier than Courtney Love and K-Fed in a keg stand contest, but fuck an A it’s fun, and I may be drunk right now (affirmative) but I think it has inspired a weekly blog entry.

We’ll title this week’s episode “Every Thorn Has It’s Rose” or “All the Thorns it Takes to Get to the Roses“….yeah, that.

This week saw 25 girls come to the rock house with the intent of getting to fuck Brett Michaels. Right off the bat, Big John (Brett’s head of security) whacks the five hardest ridden hags at the door. One of which, Tiffany, will absolutely not take rejection as an answer so she comes beating on the door in the middle of the evening demanding to get back in, even though there’s no bed for her. She’ll sleep on the floor, she’ll sleep in the bathtub, just let her back in. Big John does as good TV would demand. Once in the mix of the house, Tiffany makes the trailer trash proud by getting drunk and making a proper ass of herself. The best part of the entire Tiffany portion of the show is the fact that VH1 proceeded to subtitle her drunk talk in a misheard lyric fashion. IE: when she was saying “Brett would never kick me out.” the subtitles read “Brett would ne’er kick me route”. Watch this skank, it’s comedic gold.

Other notes from this week show: Brandi C. is the trailer park version of New York and happens to be the only one representing my home state of Florida. In the opinion of both the wife and myself, Jes is the hottest and finally, Rodeo and Heather are the 2 wild-cards since they are both a tad older and therefore close to Brett’s age. What will happen? Will the trailer trash inspire the drama of the ghetto bitches of Flava of Love? Who knows. One thing is for sure though, the trailer trash will drink as much booze.

Poison - Every Rose Has Its Thorn (album version)
Poison - Every Rose Has Its Thorn (MTV Unplugged Version)
Joshua Fit For Battle - Every Rose Has Its Thorn
Rex Hobart - Every Rose Has Its Thorn (HIGHLY RECOMMENDED HONKY TONK VERSION!!!)

side note: Both the wife and I noticed Brett only appears on camera with a hat or with a bandanna. We think Mr. Michaels has gone bald and either wears a hat or wig to cover the Kojack.