Best believe I’ll be doing my weekly write-ups again.

Poison - Look what The Cat Dragged In

How do you spell disappointment? This week I spell it: Rock of Love Reunion. We had a brand new bottle of Johnny Walker Red and a bottle of Jack Daniels (liquor store was outta Beam), some Zingers and plenty of ice….we were ready! And then it began…

Are you serious? That was it? Heather and Lacey make up….Heather and Jes hug? Pfffttt…those ghetto bitches from Flavor of Love never ever disappointed like this. Shit, even Jes telling Brett to kiss off was done in as an unoffensive a manner as possible. BOOOO! Judging from the traffic spike I’ve seen, it seemed like the causal ROL viewer had no idea about Brandi M and Brandi C’s jaunts into the porn industry. Maybe those people found all of that interesting, but it was just old news for my household.

That’s it. I only wrote this in the interest in completing a task I had begun here, but I was seriously disappointed in the whole thing. Some good news is that Bret has already signed on to do a Rock of Love, Season 2, but until then this will spell the end of my television blogging on ninebullets.net. If you wanna read about some of the other shows I watch and recap, then head over to my myspace blog….I’ll be doing I Love New York 2 over there and writing pieces on the other shows I watch. Don’t worry, though, ROL2 will have a place on ninebullets.net.

BB King - The Thrill is Gone
Poison - The Last Song

See ya for season 2!

Here we are. We all knew it was gonna come to this, but we’ve all tried to ignore the inevitable. The Rock of Love finale. No more of the best women America’s trailer parks have to offer, embarrassing and demeaning themselves on Sunday mornings for our entertainment. All that’s left now is the reunion special followed by Hustler spreads, sex tapes and waiting to see which girls will be on Charm School Season 2.

*sigh* Okay, let’s get down to business…

In this corner, we have the uber-cute and funny Jes…the classiest hooker R.O.L. had to offer. In the other, we have Heather….the aging stripper who morphed into more of a man with each passing episode. She parties hard, makes out with women, is constantly topless and all-in-all, the perfect girl for Bret. This will be a three round, winner takes all catfight for the ages. Now, let’s head out to Cabo San Lucas (Mexico for those of you who are geographically challenged and too cash strapped to think of any vacation that takes you out of your state), and see who gets their man.

The two contestants and our Romeo in a Bandanna arrive in Cabo to be greeted by a troop of Mexican strippers shaking their money makers, and Heather jumps right in to compare pelvic thrusts and tittie bounces. This troubles Bret ::wink wink knudge knudge::. Then the “ladies” run off to their staging room to prepare for dinner, and for one, a night of hot Bret love.

You could have kept wine cool with the stares being shot across the table at dinner. Icy stares elevated to snarky comments which elevated to a stripper whore accusation which was countered with a ‘too young to really know how to work the helmet’ jab. After last episode’s dinner with the parents, I imagine Bret was wondering what he had to do to have a nice dinner with a couple of whores…Bret, here’s a hint, turn off the cameras and give ‘em a wad of cash…at least, that’s how the common man buys his sex. Heather channels the power of the neck tat, and whattaya know….via Bretmail, Heather is deemed the winner of round 1 and gets the first date with Bret. Jes is relegated to sloppy seconds, but at least she doesn’t have to go through the whole laser removal thing.

I think the dates were telling. I mean, he takes Heather out to ride dune buggies….he takes Jes out on a yacht. A little insight into what Bret really thinks about these two?

Bret takes Heather on the sandiest date ever. First, as I said, they go out riding dune buggies, during which Bret starts to get sick due to his diabetes. He tells Heather he is feeling poorly and wants to eat, and she replies, “I wanna drive it.” Ain’t that just like a fuckin’ bitch, always wanting to drive the wrong things at the wrong damn time. She proceeds to see if she can give Bret a little sea sickness to accompany the insulin shock. Finally, Bret convinces her to stop and they run off to the beach for a picnic….told you it was a sandy date. Food is followed by tongues in mouths and dinner later that night. On her way to dinner, Jes tells Heather her dress screams stripper (you expected something else?) and that she’ll (Heather) never be anything more than a fuck buddy to Bret. Over dinner, Bret tells her he has bonded with her on a party level but he’s not sure if he has/can connect on an emotional level. This is a conversation us normal people have with our….i dunno….fuck buddy? Heather takes all this in, tells him she loves him, and promptly runs off to fuck him. Damn Jes and her clarity!

The next morning, still aglow, Heather puts her inner stripper on blast and asks Jes if she can still smell Bret on her. Then, as Jes is running off for her date, Heather reminds her that “When you kiss him, you’ll be licking me” and “Sloppy seconds, baby!” (actual quotes). Jes, unfazed, plants THE kiss of the whole series on Bret, and they’re off for an afternoon of Jes in a bikini on a yacht. <horribly over-used Borat accent>Very Nice!</horribly over used Borat accent>. Nothing to report here, I am gonna guess that there was very little that could be used on television that came out of the afternoon. Flash forward to dinner, and it’s attack of the diabetes, round two. This time it must be worse, because Bret goes through the explanation of what to do should he go into insulin shock, to which Jes plays her trump card and cries. Game, Set, Match! Game Over! The remainder of this show is only there for the advertisers…the contest is over. After dinner, they head up to Bret’s room and we see a blurry spot where Jes’ naked ass is supposed to be, as they cut to commercial.

Do you think the bandanna stays on during sex?

By now, everyone knows Jes won. If you didn’t, well, you do now. Heather even came out in her biggest hair yet, but it wasn’t enough to overcome simple physics…you do not make commitments to fuck buddies….not even ‘bullshit, for the cameras on reality tv’ commitments. Upon the announcement that Jes was gonna be the winner, Heather and both stories of her hair stormed off. It was probably at this moment she realized what a colossal mistake the tattoo was. In the afterdump interview, she cusses Brett up one side and down the other…all the while, a family of illegal immigrants was moving into her hairdo.

That’s it folks. The Rock of Love saga comes to an end….almost, we still he the reunion special! See you next week. Till then, here are this weeks songs:

To Heather: Aerosmith - Dude Looks Like a Lady
To Heather’s “you’ll be licking me” speech: Poison - Talk Dirty To Me
To Jes and her sloppy seconds: Poison - Nothing But A Good Time
And one last time for nostalgia: Poison - Every Rose Has It’s Thorn
And to watching a balding old man land a hot 23 year old: Poison - Something to Believe In

Fresh off a trip from Vegas, Brett and his threesome are back at the Rock of Love house (party trivia: it was also used in America’s Top Model one season) and Brett has a surprise for the harlots.

How any times have you looked at thee girls and thought to yourself, “I bet their daddys are real proud of them.” Me? Well, the phrase ‘if I had a nickel for every time’ comes to mind. Well, this week is parents week! YAY! The loins that created these sexpots enter the ROL mansion.

First come Heather’s parents. As one would expect…pure ‘neck. A momma who does her shopping at Mervyns and a good ‘ol boy poppa from Florida. Ocala region would be my guess. They are proud as shit of their daughter…and why not? They are coming from a background where most girls are pregnant by sixteen….beaten and divorced by 20 and have three babies by three, maybe two, different daddies by 30. A fake tan with titties and hair-color to match is the Southern equivalent of success. All snarkiness aside, though, Heather really grew on me throughout this episode.

Next to arrive are Jes’ parents. A short fatty for a mom (red flag anyone?) and an oddly inappropriate dad…seriously, do all dads talk about their daughter’s tit size with their daughter’s dates? My assessment: the mom is a stay at home mom who never misses an episode of Oprah or Dr. Phil and drowns her unhappiness in primetime programming and book of the month selections. The dad works and spends his home time in the computer room rubbing one off to Suicide Girls and has probably fantasized about his daughter once or twice and drowns his unhappiness in a four-Manhattan-a-night habit. psst: hey jes, your titties are fine.

Then finally, the ones we’ve all been waiting for show! The Queen Bitch’s parents arrive. When we first meet them, they just seem like normal parents, but we do learn that Brett and Lacey’s pops met many years ago on an airplane flight. Wtf? How do people remember past last month? Ahh….but looks can be deceiving.

This episode’s game- take the girls out separately with their parents….in the order they arrived.

Bret, Heather and the ‘rents go to lunch at…and I am dead fucking serious here….the. coolest. restaurant. ever. This place had a mechanical bull in the middle and this gigantic beer bong thing at the end of each table with a tap so you can fill ‘er up till it’s empty. Seriously….if I am ever in California (god forbid), I’m going to this place. 100% ‘neck for the ‘neckiest folks in the house. Heather’s Dad tells a fart joke, Heather rides the mechanical bull (even Hellen Keller saw that coming), and they drain the beer bong. Again, maybe it’s my ‘neck-isity accompanied by my redneck upbringing, but this episode really put Heather on my good side.

For the next date, Bret, Jes and her folks head off to a “rock and roll fashion shop” for some costume play. FTR: In my opinion nothing could be less rock and roll than a “rock and roll fashion shop”…color me an elitist but seriously….there was nothing to this date…it made for poor television….but! The group did nothing to really embarrass itself.

Off to Lacey and her parents. Dinner…at a place called “Eat”…so fucking L.A. I wanna walk outside and slap a yuppie as I type the name. Nonetheless, we quickly see where Lacey gets her “entitlement” from. The dad just goes into Bret like it’s an interrogation. Unreal, the highlight being this exchange:

Brett: Is there some kinda hot sauce on those fries, or is it just my tongue that’s on fire?
Asshole pops: I think it’s all the lies you’re telling.

Think it couldn’t get any worse than that? WRONG! At one point during the dinner, Otis, Lacey’s pops, tells Bret that in order to marry his pretty princess, Bret will need to sign a pre-nup. Cause, you know, Otis is loaded. WHA? HUH? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay, outside of the fact that Bret is, you know, cheesy band or not, a very successful rock star…NEWSFLASH: Otis, your daughter is a whore….Bret ain’t gonna marry her…whores get herpes, not husbands…end of story…Otis just don’t know….tha’sall’right though….Heather ’bout to let a muthafucker know…

The plan was to have a group dinner that night. Group dinner turned into ‘if there’s a fan in this house, it’s about to have some shit on it.’ So all the way up ’til now, one thing is obvious, Lacey’s parents have no idea who she is and Lacey is totally playing the ‘I’m a pretty pretty princess’ role. So, prior to dinner, Heather pulls out all the dirt and tells her own parents everything that’s been going on in the house in preparation for the best dinner EVAR!

Dinner comes and it is the beginning of the Heather’s ’show the other side of Lacey to her parents’ expose. The point here being that Lacey’s parents think she is a good girl who only knocks over a few beers once in a while. “Isn’t it true you knocked over 40 bottles in Vegas?” asks Heather. Lacey does not deny. My note: 40 bottles? Jeeez! Lacey’s step mother pulls the eject ribbon, but this is obviously just the start to the weekend. The next day comes around, and in typical Lacey fashion we find her doing damage control with Bret, but it looks like the bitch done lost her mojo. Oh yes. Heather is on the balcony above listening to the entire thing. Heather confronts Lacey with, “I hear you talking shit about me, you master manipulator.” Lacey drops “sweetie” a few times, which pisses Heather off even more. Heather drops a “bitch” and a “whore” Ding ding! They separate to their corners for a moment…Heather vents to her folks…Lacey does damage control to her pretty little princess facade.

Round 2: Knockout blows are landed. Oh yeah, Lacey comes out with her counter punching style and gets caught by some hay makers. First Heather lands “Your daughter is a slut!” on Lacey’s Dad, which stuns Lacey just long enough for Heather to drop the knockout blow…“You’ve done all the sexual shit with Bret…I saw you suck his dick up there last night”

T.K.O.

Lacey’s creepy old man tries to talk about it to Bret later, but it’s all over…the witch is dead.

Lacey is eliminated and we move on to the final episode.

This Weeks Songs:

This one goes out to Lacey: Ding Dong
Otis, get a clue…this one is for you: Dr. Dre - Housewife
The parents came to the house…you know what that means: Electric Six - Naked Pictures (of your mother)
Bret and Heathers song: Unknown Hinson - Barbie-Q

We have seen the girls drink and then we have seen them drink some more. Apparently all of that was practice for this week. The NFL kicked off this weekend, and in much the same manner the ROL girls who had survived the last round of cuts graduated to the big leagues of alcohol intake. Some were not prepared for the speed of the game, more on that in a minute or two. With Sam gone, the opposing sides are evenly matched in numbers, if nothing else. This week, the girls get to show off their skills as fullblown touring groupies. I mean, it’s easy to grind on a pole, drink till you slur and bust off quickies when the cameras blink in the comfort of the Rock of Love house. And yet, how will these amateurs perform when they are out there with girls that are far better looking and have far more experience and just as little self-respect? Onto the tour bus, and off to Vegas for a Brett Michaels show we go!

Enter Vegas.

Brett immediately leaves the women for <quote fingers> soundcheck <quote fingers> and the women rush off to a Vegas hotel room for booze, baths and makeup. Then it is off to the show. The girls keep saying that they were “front row”. I dunno man, unless the definition of front-row has changed in the past few years (yes, I checked urban dictionary), they were actually “stage left”, but no matter….what’s semantics when you have perky tits and a buzz?

Enter Afterparty…

It’s like Lacey went from her normal “see you next Tuesday” self to drooling slurring drunk in about 6.7 seconds. The miracle of editing, I know, but COME ON! It takes me about eight hours of steady drinking to get to that point, and I am going to assume that they were backstage drinking for an hour maximum. I am terribly disappointed in Lacey. Had it been any of the others, I would not have been surprised. Fuck, I would have expected it from Heather, but Lacey? Look, piece of shit band or not (and it is), she was in a touring band….she should be better at this whole pace thing. Mind you, moneyshot Brandi followed her right down the path of drunken stupor, whereas Heather and Jes played it smarter….they were able to form coherent sentences.

So they run off to dinner with Brett and shit goes downhill…Lacey puddles up at the table and needs Big John to carry her back to the room. Fortunately for her, though, she had a more graceful exit than Brandi….Brandi, Brandi, Brandi….Brandi has to go and projectile vomit…AT THE TABLE! Oh. Yeah. Heather and her oysters send the mighty Brandi into a water fountain impersonation. She runs off to the bathroom to pray to the toilet. In between her exorcist remakes, she makes time to profess her love to Brett.

Winner of the overnight date…Jes. Overnight date = sex…to think otherwise is intellectually dishonest. The next morning Brett does what any self-respecting rock star does and puts that whore on a bus back where she came from and then promptly goes on 3 speed dates. Massages and conversation all around….out of the massages Lacey gets the other overnight date that was up for grabs….this unofficially ends the Lacey/Heather alliance, and at the same time insures that herpes will keep on giving.

Back at the ROL house, Brandi gets the boot. So, we are down to Heather, Jes and Lacey and next weeks ROL looks scrumptious.

Till then, I offer these songs as this week’s soundtrack:

To Brandi and Lacey’s afterparty act: Lucero - Drink till We’re Gone
To Brandi’s waterworks at dinner: Drag The River - Amazing G
To Jes and Lacey both bedding Brett in the same episode: Bullet Boys - Smooth Up In Ya
To the broken alliance that is Heather/Lacey: Johnny Cash - I Won’t Back Down

Another week and another chapter in the ongoing saga that is [boom voice]ROCK OF LOVE[/boom voice]. This week Brett brought in 3 of his favorite groupies to grill the five wannabeagroupies. As a note to where Poison and Brett really stand these days none of the “superfans” were around for the 80’s heydays. But then, could you imagine how busted the groupies from back in the day probably are these days:

yeah. it’s best to stick with the new-era groupies.

So what we got was the three supergroupies interviewing the the ROL house in an interrogation type setting. I wish I could tell you this made for great TV but all in all it didn’t. Moneyshot’s hair tries to go up in flames…Sam refuses to fake an orgasm and then runs off to cry….which is about as surprising as water running down hill. Next Jes comes in and admits she doesn’t know shit about Poison, has pumped up lips and that her tits are real….then it happens, one of the supergroupies, Ky, gets caught in the Jes-hottie vortex suddenly finds herself making out with Jes….okay, so there was a moment of good TV in this segment. Ky tells us the Jes is a bit of a lip biter and every viewing male goes to spend some alone time in his bedroom with a tube sock. Heather is next and after a rocky start they bond over their collective trashiness. Lastly is Lacey and the supergroupies see right through her….to the point of openly mocking her. Yawn.

After the interrogation session the supergroupies head out to mingle with the house and make nice. Lacey tries to suck up and get this, Sam runs off to cry….and pack….again. Brett pulls the supergroupies aside to get their angle on the house to which we learn: Sam doesn’t have the mental facilities to reach supergroupie status, Brandi is a fake, Jes is awesome, Lacey is the polar opposite and Heather is a superwhore trapped in a superwhore’s body….in other words, she is perfect for Brett.

Heather wins and as a result she gets the solo date. While Brett and Heather are out, the supergroupies and the rest of the girls hangout….they drink, talk shit about Lacey and console Sam while she cries. Go figure. On the solo date Heather does what every self-respecting girl from the trailer park does on a first date…..she gets Brett’s name tatted on her neck. I’ll assume that A2M followed afterwards off camera.

That’s it. Sam gets the boot and plays some serious tonsil hockey on the way out the door. Too little, too late.

Next week it looks like there will be a lot of vomit. To say I am not already totally looking forward to it would be a complete lie.

This weeks songs:

I dedicate this to Brandi M and her head: The Cult - Fire Woman
This song goes out to Lacey: The Cult - The Witch
Since we had the supergroupies on this week I thought I’d drop a few groupie songs: Great White - Once Bitten Twice Shy, 213 - Groupie Love, Guns and Roses - It’s So Easy, Lynyrd Skynyrd - What’s Your Name, Bobbie Nunn - She’s Just a Groupie

UPDATE!!!!!: I just stumbled across the greatest piece of video ever. Remember last week I mentioned Lacey was in a band….a shitty band. Well, I was sort of inaccurate. She was in that band. Seems she quit Nocturne to go out to LA and attempt a solo career! Well, a video for one of her new songs has surfaced. I could sit here and tell you how terrible it is but really, this one is required viewing….I assure you….hit play…hilarity will ensue:

This weeks Rock of Love was….eh. Not terrible. Not Great. I probably wouldn’t write about it at all, but I really do need a break from fantasy football sites, so here we are.

Before we get into this week’s recap, I have learned a few things about two of the remaining girls. This is probably old news for you die-hards but it was all new to me:

First: “Blowjob” Brandi M. does porn? (NSFW Link) Really, this comes as no surprise….I pretty much assumed that all the R.O.L. girls were employed in some form of the adult industry, and yet I am a little shocked each time. To think, Sunday evening I was telling my wife that Brandi might be taking over Jes’ role as my favorite girl in the house (but not taking over as hottest…Jes owns that), and then here I am today looking at pictures of her with spooge on her face. I guess the “M” in Brandi M. stand for “money shot”. Oh well, if he is smart, that is Brett’s dick I am looking at.

Second: Turns out Lacey is the front-whore for a metal/industrial band called Nocturne. I think it’s funny that the VH1 people have made sure that they edit out any mention of the bands name. I took one for the team here folks. Yes, I listened to all the songs on their myspace profile so that you wouldn’t have to. The Autopsy report: Horrible….I’m not even saying that to be snarky…nope. It is completely generic….a cheap man’s Kidney Thieves, if I were to make a comparison.

Okay, on with the show.

This week started with the syphilis six having to make a cd cover for Brett’s new cd. Teams are: Jes, Sam and Looney Lacey versus Heather, Brandi M. and M.I.A. The deal is that they are to make a mock cover for a Brett Michael’s cd. Two girls from each team will model and the third is the creative director. Winning team models get a tandem date and the creative director gets a solo, thus setting the stage for maximum drama, and this went right where it was supposed to…bitches in their underwear gettin’ it on. Almost. Bradi’ M. decides it will be a good idea to dress as a dude. I disagreed. So did Brett. Jes, Sam and Looney win with exactly what you would expect from a collection of girls whose most creative moment probably came during a two for thirty solo dance and left a sticky spot on their inner thigh:

Pure gold.

So Looney and Sam get to tag-team Brett, with Jes having to take it all herself. Shenanigans cries Lacey! She runs off to tell Brett the whole predictable cd cover was her idea. Doesn’t matter. She gets no solo time with the B-man. It’s her damned fault though, she showed she was willing to share back in the infamous foursome of episode two (or was it three?). Looney and Sam go to some restaurant where Sam screams that the sun is hot Lacey is a complete nut case, while Lacey is in the pisser. That date ends and the solo session with Jes involves a long motorcycle ride and ends with a suck face session on the beach. Cameras cut, Jes gets busy sucking something else. All in all, the whole date portion of this week was boring, unless we end up with some Jes taking it in the grill pics hitting Oh No They Didn’t soon.

During the dates, Brandi M_oneyshot and Heather realize the stupidity of putting jeans and a fake goatee on Moneyshot, and set put to make things right before elimination. They may have been a day late and a dollar short, but what they lacked in good timing, they made up for with enthusiasm. Stripper makeup, stripper boots, no tops and a Polaroid camera…one would get the feeling they might have done this a time or ninety. Afterwards, they stick the pictures on the outside of Brett’s bedroom door. If dude had anything left in the jewels after the twosome and the solo, I’d imagine he ran a batch behind the bedroom doors.

While Brett is drooling over the pictures, M.I.A. comes out dressed in, what I assume is, the sexiest outfit she brought with her. I am sure she thinks she is hot in it, but to me she just looked like an old woman trying too hard to look young. The real bitch of it is that she ain’t even old….yeah, that’s bad….no sex, no appeal, no ass. You lose.

And lose she did. Mia gets the axe, and I’ll see y’all next week.

This weeks songs:

I know some of y’all are gonna wanna hear the horror for yourselves. Lacey’s band: Nocturne - My Bitch
They sound like a more vanilla, less talented version of the Kidneythieves: Kidneythieves - Taxicab Messiah
This track goes out to the Brandi M./Heather photo session: Spoon - I Turn My Camera On
With the relevation that Brandi M. gets paid to suck cock, I dedicate this song to her: Poison - Fallen Angel

Big John wakes the girls up at 6am with the loving phrase, “This is rock and roll, it ain’t rock and sleep.” To extrapolate on this one could also say:

Heather: “This is rock and roll, it ain’t rock and strip unless Jes wants to take it off. Then, we’ll make an exception. You, too, Mia, wanna get naked?”
Lacey: “This is rock and roll, it ain’t rock and be crazy and look more like a man with each passing week.”
Sam: “This ain’t rock and Leave it to Beaver honey. Rock and Roll on the Beaver, maybe. Rock and Roll on as many random beavers as possible on every given night…definitely.”

This week was the tour bus challenge episode. To be honest, I was a little disappointed at just how un-rock and roll it was. I had expectations of ‘threesome with random groupies’ skills tests and ‘how well can you get down in the tiny ass bus bathroom’ challenges spiced with a little challenge to see who has the best handi-cam skills while catching it it the pooper. None of that. Really, outside of the crotchless unitard, this was basically the sort of shit any couple with three kids would face on a family vacation. Here are the highlights though:

Super Stripper: Heather was not allowed to participate in this one due to her professional status, so, we get Mandalena and Sam. They gotta pull the Clark to Superman metamorphosis, stripper style. Go into the PORT-O-LET as a mild-mannered groupie and emerge as a full-on whore, complete with thong, crotchless stockings (obviously), stripper heels and a sleeve for a skirt. Sam wins because Magdalena can not tie her shoes correctly (sorry dude).

Dumpster Diving: The challenge is to find a guitar pick in a dumpster full of gross. The competitors are Lacey and Sam. I figured Lacey would walk away with this one, due to her dumpster diving experience. However, mad dumpster skills aside, Lacey’s kung-fu is not enough for Sam’s super-stripper superpowers. Sam gets the victory, but really, there are no losers here….except for that whole self-respect thing.

The rest of the tour bus challenge was dull. There was a ‘hook up the guitar and amp’ challenge and there was an ‘assemble these words into the chorus from “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn”‘ challenge. Brandi M. takes the victory in the end, and it’s back to the Harlot House where we learn it’s Brett’s birthday and there will be a party that night for him, and party at the rock of love house can only mean one thing. Alex, give me “drunk bitches pole dancing” for 1000. Before we get to the meat of this, lemme bitch at VH1 again….you mutha-fuckers…all anyone wants is some good ol’ Jes nudity. I know you know this, and yet, when she is in her skivvies on the pole you fail to zoom in. WTF? I do not care if she looked like Terry Schiavo having a seizure on that pole…lemme see it up close and preferably in slow motion. Fucking a-holes.

However, all is not lost. Sam decides to show she is not always an insecure whiner and that she can have a little fun, too, so, she jumps up on the pole on a really sexy outfit…well, okay, she was just wearing a pair of jeans and a tshirt. Whew. Somebody grab me some lotion and a hand towel! But seriously, outfit aside she gave it the ol’ college try. She spun, she grinded that pole like it was corn meal and she shook her ass….okay, okay…she shook the place where her ass is supposed to be….but she shook the hell outta that void. So much so that Lacey decided she need to interject herself into the scene by shoving her forked tongue into Brett’s collagen enhanced face. This proves to be too much and Sam’s “I’m cool too” act falls apart like a house of cards and she runs off crying.

Brandi and Brett go on their date. We learn Brandi’s nickname is “Blowjob Brandi”, and that explains how she got on the show and virtually guarantees her advancement to next week. Mandalena gets sent home and we are prepared for next week. A few personal observations:

• Brett really looks like shit. Seriously dude. The only thing worse than an aging rock star is one that fights it. Look at the Stones.
• You ain’t fooling nobody. You have male pattern baldness. It happens. Own it. This shit with the cowboy hats and bandannas is just pathetic.
• Lacey fancies herself the white-trash New York, but New York has more crazy in her left eye than Lacey has in her entire body.
• While on the Lacey thing: Babe you ain’t smart enough to mastermind all the shit you talk and you aren’t pretty enough to be a rock stars girlfriend….aging or not. But, you are the most compelling character on the show so I do not expect you will be going anywhere any time soon.

This weeks songs:

On her date Brandi M reveals that she is known as “Blowjob” Brandi back home. I imagine this song as Brett’s inside voice: Richard Cheese - Me So Horny
This song goes out to Sam and her pole skills: Poison Clan - Shake Whatcha’ Mamma Gave Ya’
This song could have been the soundtrack for the entire birthday party scene: DJ Assault - Ass-N-Titties
Since they found a way to mix this one into the episode….yet again…: Poison - Every Rose Has It’s Thorn
Finally, In my world, this song explains what the tour bus challenge SHOULD have been like: 2 Live Crew - Face Down Ass Up

First lemme say this. Shame on you VH1. Shame on you indeed. I thought we were in this together but no, you let the best TV moment of this entire train wreck slip through your fingers like Heather’s dignity. More on this later, but I just wanna let you know that, as Colbert would say:

So. This weeks episode had a little this and a little that, but Jes’ clothes stayed on, Lacey didn’t boil any bunnies and nobody got a sleep-over with Brett. Bummer, Bummer and another Herpes infection avoided (as if). It all starts off with the skank squad heading out to a muddy football field to play a little ball. Winning team gets a group sex date, but the MVP of the winning team gets a “solo date”. The teams basically align with the house cliques…whores versus whores in denial. Now, one would have thought the Magdalena would have just dropped her balls and beat these bitches down like the man she might be….but I guess maintaining his cover was more important than the date thing. It quickly became evident that this was a battle between Jes and Heather. Jes goes Lawrence Taylor ala Theisman (not a link for the squeamish thanks to both content and quality) on Lacey’s leg. Heather…well, she just does what she does and her pants jump off of her. In the end, Heathers super-stripper trump card is not enough for Jes’ last second Peter Warrick imitation. Jes gets the MVP and gets to wear Brett’s jacket, which would be cool if we were all still in Junior High School.

Enter solo date.

Jes gets naked. SIKE! No. Instead, she shows up at a bar and gets to hear Brett sings her a song and then they connect over dinner. Yeah, I’m as let down as you are. They did take a moment to talk about “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn.” Seriously…this song manages to get mixed into every. single. show. No Jes in her underwear = lame, so I ain’t talking about it no more.

They come home to a letter from Super Stripper pot-kettling all the other girls (and Magdalene too). Super Stripper and Brett talk….BLAH BLAH BLAH…Erin’s a whore…BLAH BLAH BLAH…Justin Timberlake…BLAH BLAH BLAH…these girls can’t fuck you like I do..BLAH BLAH BLAH…

Next comes the group date….a day at the shooting range with the girls handling/shooting some pistols. This test proves too complicated, and Mandalena shows the sort of pistol skills that could only come from a lifetime of handling guns (I love these double entendres). This is all followed by dinner at the lodge. A lodge with a whole fucking shit-ton of trophy mounts on the walls and no Lacey…..Here is where my problem comes in.

This should have been Lacey’s friggin date! WTF? Put the god damn Peta member in the fucking room decorated in animal heads and let the hilarity ensue. This ain’t rocket science people. VH1 you failed. You had great TV in your hands and you dropped it. Please do not fuck up again. I am watching Brett’s botoxed/weaved ass shoot whores in the barrel for these very moments, and you drop the freaking ball. Fox wouldn’t make these mistakes.

Erin gets run off and on the way says, “I have had bigger and better stars than Bret Michaels.” Good riddance….go back to your swanky hotel bar, there is no place for call girls on this show anyway.

This week’s songs:

This first goes out to Jen and Brett on their first date: Poison - Tearin’ Down The Walls
This one goes out to Mandalena and her gun handling skills: Beastie Boys - Sure Shot
This one, once again, they talk about it every single week: Poison - Every Rose Has It’s Thorn
Finally, this one is dedicated to Erin (and her twin globes of truth and beauty) and is inspired by her admittance to being a serial star fucker…second stanza: Everlast - Ends

I know, I know, there was no Rock of Love update last week. To put it bluntly, the Motorcross episode sucked. There was a motorcycle crash and a cat fight between Peta member Lacey (proving militants are fucking crazy) and Dallas (“They don’t put the word eat in meat for nothing, you fucking hippie”). It sounds more interesting than it was. As a result, I decided to skip the article altogether as a form of protest.

Week four was better….I guess. There were tears. Oh god, there were a lot of tears. Rodeo cried….and cried….and cried some more. By the end of the show, she honestly went from my favorite character to “jesus, just kick the nutty fucking bitch off already” status. In an hour! That is some serious crying. In between all of the crying, the girls had to write lyrics for the music of one of Brett’s solo songs and then sing it karaoke’ style. This brought more crying…from the wife and myself. There were tears of laughter and tears of pain. Mostly pain. They were all horrible. However, considering the source material, I do not suspect we could have expected much more. The two winning teams, Heather & Magdalena “The Man” and Samantha & Brandi C. got dates. Personally, I thought Jes’ team should have won, but that’s only cause I wanna see Brett get her into her under-roos…but that is another story all together.

So, Heather and Magdalena “The Man” go out that night and get plowed under (that’s drunk for those who don’t know). Way under. They proceed to come back to the house of harlots and get everyone drunk. Then it happens. Come on, we all knew it would. Honestly, I assumed it already had and they were just editing it out of the show. Really though, a hair metal (notice I did not call him a rock star) star is in a house with 25 girls who suspended their real “working the stripper pole” and “welcome to wal-mart” lives for a chance of A2M with him…it was only a matter of time. Lacey, Brandi C. and Heather spend the night in Bret’s room. A loon, a porn starlet and a stripper….overnight. This is like elementary math. The next morning all the other harlots are in full hater mode since the closest they have gotten to Brett’s dong is watching the leaked Pam An sex tape.

The next day there is the other date, and the Sam girl whines about worrying that Brett is only on the show to hook up (DUH). He tells her a few lies and she is good to go. Brandi C gets eliminated. I assume this is because once you’ve fucked one porn queen you’ve fucked them all, and outside of that she is really, really blank. And Rodeo gets whacked because she cries too much. Some tears = good TV. Constant tears = bad TV.

This week’s music inspired by the show:

To all the haters who didn’t get on the Brett Train: Violent Femmes - Kiss Off
To the three that took it in the caboose: Poison - UnSkinny Bop
To the waterworks that was Rodeo: Crystal Gale - Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue
To Lacey; Rock of Love’s New York: Faster Pussycat - You’re So Vain

…and this one I post because they make reference to it every. single. week.

Poison - Every Rose Has It’s Thorn