Well, Well, Well. Will you lookee there. Heather shows up and it’s like Emeril, BAM! It’s up a notch. Vodka is consumed until it is running out of Daisy’s eyes, innocent Jessica finds her inner drunken sorority slut, and all is right in Rock of Love land. Thank you Heather. Thank you and your party girl/stripper tractor beam. Hell, I bet if I spent 30 minutes in the same room with you, I’d be playing hide the peen and make a man-pussy.

Let’s proceed.

It’s exes week in the house! Let’s see what kind of douche-baggery we’ll have walk through the door, shall we? First up is Destiney’s ex-husband, Adam, dressed like he’s Mr. Rogers heading out for a Saturday morning on the golf course. Next comes Jessica’s ex-boyfriend Casey who is painfully plain. Third is Megan’s ex-boyfriend some dude named Josh who used to use her as his booty call. Lemme explain this quickly by quoting Megan: “A year ago, we kind of dated for six months and I wanted him to be my boyfriend and he had another girlfriend that he didn’t want to leave for me.” A playmate as an on-call fuck…My Man. Josh is a fucking pimp, so in his case I rescind the douche bag label. Next up is Ambre’s…best-friend? Talk about getting saved by the bell. Turns out none of Ambre’s exes wanted to come on VH1 and talk shit about their ex. I see this as a +1 for Ambre. And rounding out this parade is the king douche…the…the douche nozzle if you will, Daisy’s ex-boyfriend/ex-bandmate/CURRENT ROOMATE, Charles, looking like he’s stuck somewhere between K-Fed, V is for Vendetta guy, and Hot Topic assistant manager. Saving the best surprise for last for last, however, Bret introduces an ex of his own, the aforementioned Heather, and it’s on. Girls stay home with Heather, while Bret takes the fellas out for a little talk.

The boys have barely loaded up in the Iraq war-loving stretch Hummer before Heather has the girls in their bras doing body shots off one another. Again; thank you Heather. It’s the awesome concentrate mixed with booze, boobs and sexual energy that this season has totally been missing. Booze flows like it’s free, and Heather starts getting the girls to dish dirt on one another, as articles of clothing just keep falling off ’til we have a bikini-clad truth or dare that results in a nakedDestiney doing cartwheels across the back lawn…Have I thanked Heather for coming back yet?

Meanwhile, the fellas are having a horribly uncomfortable roundtable chat at some cigar bar. Seeing this as the ratings killer it is, Bret pulls the plug and takes the guys to a restaurant/game room/bar…you know, a guys’ place, but things don’t really get any better. Through the guys’ day, all we really learn is the my man Josh thinks Megan is a gold digger, and there is some foreshadowing that perhaps there’s more to the Destiny/Charles story than has been told.

Meanwhile. Back at Circus Circus…

Daisy and Jessica are in wasted little girls phase 3 and the vodka tears are flowing. Jessica is crying to Heather because everyone thinks she’s too young and too innocent. Her plan to prove them wrong…binge drinking. Then ablearly , smeary-mascara-eyed Daisy proceeds to inform Heather that she is still living with her boyfriend in a one bedroom apartment ,but that they have no physical relationship.Riiiiiiiiiiight . It’s that Clinton definition of sex: Oral sex isn’t sex, sex with condoms doesn’t count ’cause there’s no skin on skin, and anal doesn’t count cause you can’t get pregnant from it. OK, then. Next thing you know, Jessica has skipped drunk stages 4,5 and 6 and has gone straight to the puking and can’t walk stage. FTR ladies, this is where the whole gray-area in “no means no” comes into play…I kid, I kid…nonetheless, homegirl is a hot fucking mess…no bra, puke breath and legs that have ceased to function…One more time for the cheap seats, thank you Heather!

Time for elimination and a still drunk Jessica gets her ass outta bed, slams some makeup on her grill and makes it down….atta girl. The end of elimination is like deja-vu all over again, except this time there’s no Kristy Joe to save Megan. Bret tells Megan her time’s up and……………..aaaannnnddd…….um……..NOTHING!….She stands there for literally a minute and a half in TV time, so who knows how much longer she was really there, just half shaking her head and saying nothing, just mouthing “No, No, No.” I guess she was hoping her playmate pussy power would make him change his mind or something, but it just wasn’t in the cards for her. Bret walks her out and returns to tell the girls that they’regoin’ to Vegas, Baybee, and that my girl Heather was coming along to help him weed out the remaining girls.

I’m calling my shot now. I predict a Bret and Heather hookup. I know that’s like predicting that every time Georgieporgie-dummy-Bush’s monkey head shows up on the news he’ll be saying something stupid, but I figured if I didn’t say anything and then dropped a “I knew it!” when it happened, it would seem less genuine. So I’mcallin’ it.

Three Cheers To Heather!

Songs inspired from this weeks episode:

To my man Josh: Blackstreet - Booty Call
To Megan: Julie Brown - Earth Girls are Easy
To Drunk Jessica: Cyndi Lauper - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
To Heather: Poison - Nothing But A Good Time

America’s Best Dance Crew:

On the reality TV tip I wanna drop a congrats on JabbaWockeeZ for winning America’s Best Dance Crew last night. Easily the best and most consistent crew through out the show. If you know what I’m talking about then I think you’ll agree. If you have no idea what I am talking about: It was a dance contest taking place on MTV featuring different dance crews from across America andJabbaWockeeZ won the finale last night. I’ve attached a video of one of their performances below:

This song goes out to JabbaWockeeZ: Freestylers - Don’t Stop

Week in and week out I find myself in utter amazement of the complete lack of intelligence this house of strippers and silicone displays. Sometimes I try and give them the benefit of the doubt, thinking it must be editing, they can’t really be this dumb…but they are. Is it just me, or does Meagan have a perpetual look of confusion on her face? She is blank. She better pull a Heather Mills, cause once her titties sag, she’s got nothing for anyone. She and Daisy couldn’t hold a stimulating conversation with my dog and it angers me. This week, I realized I hate these girls…they have ruined season 2.

C%*nts.

This week started off with Bret jumping in his Lamborghini and riding off into the sunset in search of intelligent female life while KJ calls up her hubby and informs him of the divorce she told Bret about back in episode 2. This leads to the first of the weekly KJ freak-outs.

Bret returns to the house just in time to tell the girls that their challenge for this week is to make videos worse than the two songs he has picked out, with the leading of the winning team getting a solo date and the other whores getting a group date. Teams are KJ, Megan and Ambre (leader) versus Daisy, Not as hot KJ (leader) and Jessica. Team Ambre draws the ballad while Team Not As Hot As KJ gets the rocker.

Team Ambre uses their team’s natural talents. Ambre films as KJ lies down on a bed and cries with Megan straddling her looking confused. Then KJ mopes around while Megan picks up a telephone and looks confused. Team Not as hot KJ goes the stripper route, complete with poles, finger sucking, fake tits and Daisy’s duck lips. Both videos suck big time, but neither are as bad as the song they are representing. Team Ambre wins based solely on the fact that is was a coherent piece from beginning to end, in lieu of the piss-poor Myspace-quality-esque hyper-spliced P.O.S. Team Not as hot as KJ gave us.

Ambre’s solo date consisted of a Bollywood version of a hippy talking about mad mountains and past lives in Bret’s room while KJ pounded on the door. Bret answers and is all “stop cock blocking, bitch” while KJ’s like, “I need to talk to you while I cry” and Bret’s totally like “get da fuck outta here”. So KJ runs upstairs to cry. Seeing his opportunity, Bret sends the Indian-Shaman guy thing off to harass KJ, leaving him and Ambre alone in his bedroom. Faces are sucked.

Ambre’s date ends and KJ’s in Bret’s room 5 minutes later to tell him that she’s decided that she’s really gonna get that divorce she told him she already was getting. Bret’s a little pissed. KJ’s drops an “I love you” which is met with radio silence. KJ is confused. I guess in playmate land, lying about a divorce falls into little white lie land. While all this KJ action is unfolding behind a closed door, Daisy, Destiny and Jessica are perched at the bottom of the stairs taking turns breaking down.

Group date is Bret, Megan and KJ. It basically consisted of Megan finally showing off her talents while KJ went away to sulk. Now I ain’t gonna lie, so long as Megan is straddling you and making out, life would be awesome with a capital schwing…the problem would be if she talked. More tonsil hockey, less trying to formulate words into sentences.

Elimination comes and we get down to Megan and KJ being the only two without a pass. Bret calls KJ down and asks her if she wants to stay. After one last cry she says she can’t…cause…you know…she has that pesky husband thing and all back in Indiana. Bret breaks rank and walks her out. After some on camera face suckage and some off camera who knows what suckage, Bret returns to address Megan, who was probably getting kicked outta the house 10 minutes ago. He basically says, “I’m heartbroken and I ain’t gotta pass for you, but I guess you get to stay. kthnkbye.”

Meagan looks confused.

Heather returns next week. Let’s hope to high heavens ROL goes Flava of Love and Heather gets to stay for real.

The Rose: She’s a Playmate
The Thorn: She’s Fucking Crazy
Poison - Every Rose Has It’s Thorn

Bret was heartbroken: Poison - I Won’t Forget You
Next Week Is Coming Anyway: Poison - Life Goes On
Dear Megan, Destiny & Daisy: I hate you

I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I was prepared to just abandon the Rock of Love recaps altogether, but then I got an email from a reader this week who said he really enjoys them. That filled my tank up a little, but I’m just not sure how far it’ll get me.

Why, you ask. Why would I abandon the only 9b regular piece that I’ve kept up with?

Basically because this season has been a freaking bore. Where’s the drama? Daisy and KJ banging of Brett and a disfigured Frenchy’s insistence on nudity. That’s been it, and I’m sorry, but in the age of tubgirl and 2girls1cup, groupie sex and an ugly girl with circus titties and an accent just doesn’t go as far as it used to. Last season had strong characters like Lacey, Heather and Jes. What do we have this season? A married bipolar playmate in KJ, Megan who is, quite possibly, the least intelligent/most superficial person I have ever witnessed, and, like, we totally got Daisy, OMGosh. In other words…this season has got crap. I want some drama, but I am afraid that outside of Destiny grudge-fisting KJ in the next few episodes, nothing will save this season.

Is anyone else as disappointed with this season as I am?

With that said, here’s the recap:

Two mummies..umm…former strippers…err…older U.S.O. performers (since 1956) meet the girls and we learn that the challenge will be doing a USO-ish performance for some Vets down at the local V.F.W….or something. Since these girls’ only real talents involve poles, oral play and keeping plastic surgeons in Ferarris, the acts suck as much as you would imagine. The highlight of the show is when Inna and Destiney acknowledge they are a scorpion and bust out with a totally tasteless stripper act..complete with stripper style ass slapping, and the only surprising thing about that was that they were the only one’s to do it. The only other surprise in this episode was that Kristy Joe didn’t cry, with the only whining of note in this episode being Daisy’s pitiful rendition of the National Anthem. Anyone who hadn’t made it over to her myspace music site to check out her ‘talent’ yet got to see how shitty a singer she is. Seriously, who do think has less musical talent….Lacey or Daisy? Head over and check them both out. I’ll wait right here.

In an effort to create some drama, Bret sat the girls down for dinner and asked them who they thought was there for the wrong reasons. Fantastic, this should really heat things up, right? Wrong. Outside of some KJ versus Not as Hot KJ (Destiny) screaming, this resulted in nothing…and we, the viewers, suffered again.

There were dates. Yep, they were boring. At the end, Inna got eliminated.

Bret, ROL Girls, VH1: Step it the fuck up.

Pink - Get This Party Started
Beastie Boys - Time To Get Ill
Murder City Devils - I Want A Lot Now (So Come On)

This week’s episode opens with our groupies in the exact opposite position that they wanna be in when Bret drags them out of bed at the ass-crack of the morning…well, ass-crack for a college girl or a stripper…normal ol’ get up time for the rest of the world, to go face this episode’s challenge.

This challenge will involve our girls wrapping their legs around a muscular beast, taking control and setting a pace that will get her to the goal first. tsk…tsk…naughty mind. It’s a mini-rodeo! Featuring Rodeo, who gets about 5 seconds more camera time than Lacey did. Seriously? What’s the point? Unless Bret got one more for old times sake while off-camera, I have to wonder what the point of the cameos really is. Were the season one girls really so devoid of personality that is took an entire week to get 5 to 10 decent sound bites out of them? All that said, I forgot how nice of a rack Rodeo had. Good call on getting no less than 3 shots of it into her 15 seconds of cameo. Catherine is excited as hell about the challenge because, well, she’s 45…and playmate or not, she has a shit-ton more bareback experience than any of these hags. Teams are chosen and Megan is, once again, the last to be chosen. She rationalizes this via the following quote:

“I think that the girls didn’t pick me because they’re jealous. They don’t understand what it’s like to go through life being hot with all of the turmoil of hotness.”

That’s right y’all! No one wants her cause everyone wants her! She’s the fucking vapid playmate version of Schrödinger’s cat…and here I was thinking she wasn’t nothing but a oxygen consumer with a nice set of tits. The rodeo involves running a barrel race, roping a faux-cow and pulling bandannas off of un-faux pigs. It was exciting as an episode of Trading Spaces….Jessica throws down like a mutha and Catherine learns that really, in the end, experience does not trump youth and vigor in the Rock of Love house. She cries it out on her bed. God damn I hate crying on my reality tv.

The group date participants are Ambre and Kristy Jo, with Not as Hot Kristy Jo (Destiny), as you’ll see, just along for the ride. They all go to what has to be the most stupid restaurant idea ever, Opaque, where you eat in the pitch dark. Well, you might eat, but Bret is gonna go to third base with the KJ. So, yeah. Seriously. You are seated in, like, black hole darkness and served food.

Only in California and by “only in California” I mean “fucking stupid”. So, dinner boils down to this. Darkness….but we have night vision! What we see is Ambre and Not as Hot Kristy Jo (Destiny) eating their dinner while Kristy Joe does her best to make her own version of One Night in Paris while we watch. Bret suddenly decides to put up some resistance, so KJ decides to go to the bathroom (finish herself off)…giving Ambre her opening, and while Ambre doesn’t go to KJ molestation levels, she does make her own impression. Dinner ends with a blue-balled Bret, a soggy KJ, a satisfied Ambre and a clueless Not as Hot Kristy Jo (Destiny).

They come back from the solo date and Bret does the most obvious thing since water ran down a hill…he takes Kristy Joe, the one who gave his finger a BJ, back to his room for some 1 on 1 time….till 4:30 in the morning…they were “watching a movie”…I’m guessing it was filmed from a stationary camera sitting on a dresser somewhere. Daisy cries ’cause she isn’t included in the dance, and Catherine decides to make Bret breakfast in bed and kiss the left over Kristy Joe off his face.

The solo date with Jessica takes place in daylight and is far less interesting. So much less interesting, in fact, that the most interesting part of it was learning that Big John is a former Marine sniper. There was some kissy kissy and then the bandanna-less Big John killed them both…and deep down inside I bet this was quite satisfying.

Elimination comes and the elders get the axe. Peyton and Catherine are gone. Cheers to a hot-flash free house, and lets hope the real hoe down can now begin, ’cause I am gonna say this…this gaggle of depressed self esteem has really failed to meet the standards set by Heather, Lacey and Brandi. Hopefully, with the mother figures gone the dirt will finally rise.

This Weeks Songs:

To The Pig Chasing Girls: Elton John - Dirty Little Girl
To KJ & Brett: Thrill Kill Kult - Sex on Wheels
To Ambre & Brett: Electric Six - Danger! High Voltage
To Post-Group Date Brett: Jerry Lee Lewis - Great Balls of Fire
To The Entire House: Electric Six - Rock and Roll Evacuation

Ahhh. Another Friday, another Rock of Love recap. I hope somebody out there enjoys these as much as I do. Let’s get to it.

This week’s episode opened with something I do not think I’d ever seen before…Big John’s hair. Hell, I didn’t even know he had any, but there it was….free of the bandanna, free of the hat, and slicked back in it’s best Andy Garcia-like glory. Brett’s hair, however, was M.I.A.

This week’s challenge was the annual Mudball game. Same deal as last season; winning team gets group sex date, with the MVP of that team getting herpes a solo date. In the new and improved Rock of Love mudball challenge, Brett controls the weather…he can make it rain or snow whenever he wants. This makes it like a football game/wet t-shirt contest mashup, with built in nipple erecting.  Have I ever told you how much I like the way this show thinks? The teams are set, but there’s a problem- there is an uneven amount of girls, so to solve this issue the girl not chosen has to sit out the game and give up any chance for a date. Megan ends up being that girl, but she doesn’t care…she’s too fucking stupid to remember the show is about dating Brett.  The challenge involves skimpy wet clothes and your body is bangin’, but you’d rather idle on the sidelines being ignored by everyone? Yay you! You dumb c%#t. (Can you tell I seriously dislike Megan the Vapid?) In no time at all, you can tell that this game is really between Daisy and Ambre. The game goes into overtime and Ambre has the ball and is headed in for the score when the unthinkable happens…she dropped the ball! No reason, just puts the ball on the ground.  Well, Daisy shows her awesome ball hawking skills, scoops it up, licks it, blows on it a little and then heads on down for the score! Daisy wins again!

Daisy’s solo date involves her posing for Brett in various lingerie outfits, but don’t worry honey, this show is all about getting to know you ::wink ::wink. Brett finally finds an outfit he can settle on and they have dinner with Daisy in it. Over dinner, instead of showing cleavage and fondling B-man’s jewels with her foot, Daisy decides to ask questions. Brett softens. Date ends.

Meanwhile, back at the Bunny Ranch, Peyton is in a panic ’cause she hasn’t gotten a chance to connect with Brett in a “one on one way”, so she maniacally scribbles a letter for his door that essentially reads, “BRETT IT’S URGENT THAT I SPEAK TO YOU! IMMEDIATELY! PLEASE!!”  If it weren’t for the two exclamation points following the ‘please’, I would think this was insincere.  Meanwhile, Megan also pulls out her Crayolas and writes a letter of her own…complete with cut-out heart shape. She goes to put her letter on the door, notices Peyton’s, tapes hers on and tosses Peyton’s. Peyton notices this and scribbles out another one even more maniacally, which Megan immediately removes as well. Ahhhh….the simplicity of retards….It’s relaxing, like watching the tide roll in.

The group date involves girls in sexy leather driving suits driving a Lotus around a racetrack. *This* is what ROL is supposed to be about! So the girls all got a shot at driving their pushed-up leather clad double-D’s around the track sans Brett and I was a happy man. There really isn’t anything more to report here.

Back at the house Peyton, cries to Bret and Megan drops this winner, “Me and Bret have a mental…like, Superman, psychological…connection.” Again, not to go all Amy Pohler, and dude who doesn’t matter on y’all, but I’m going to…really?….psychological?…really?…can you even spell psychological?…really?…you’re a playmate…15 year olds are pausing ROL and having their own one on one time to your image and you’re gonna drop “psychological”?…really?  Follow Daisy’s lead…drop the “ologicalological” and add an “al”  Follow that with “bj’s”…and girl, your dumb ass better be good at the bj, or your future is gonna involve a cash register or a Vegas bar at 2:30 in the morning.

Elimination comes and everyone has a pass except Peyton and Daisy. I’m thinking wtf? One of these is gonna get their walking papers, while Catherine and Jessica are still around? Then Bret calls Peyton’s name and I think, “Shit! vajayjayvajayjay must stink or something!” but no…Brett pulls a fast one on us and nobody gets the axe on this night. Matter of fact, Bret tells Daisy he has saved the best for last and that Catherine and Jessica 2 will get eliminated next week.

Tight leather outfits, lingerie?: Motley Crue - Girls, Girls, Girls
Tight leather outfits, lingerie?: Richard Cheese - Girls, Girls, Girls
Tight leather outfits, lingerie and Mudball?: Poison - Talk Dirty to Me
Fake lips, fake tits and hair extensions?: Outkast - Synthesizer

Well, it turns out that there wasn’t an episode the week I was gone so there was no catch-up to play. I got up Sunday morning and caught the 11am airing of the new episode live and I’m thinking that was an error. Either being 100% sober made this a pretty dull episode or it just was. Dull when compared to the ROL standards already set that is. Outside of Kristy Joe crying and crying and crying and crying and all-in-all doing a damned near spot-on impression of last years Sam all the way down to the mistrust issues despite being on a reality show full of whores and god-diggers and excess baggage and Daisy cranking down Bret (you think they actually had sex? I’m assuming he got a BJ at the very least…which bears the question are fake DSL’s inferior to real DSL’s? Do they get hard like bolt-on boobs) there was supertranny Aubry falling on her own sword…but that is a whole other story.

Aubry. Was that girl unfortunate or what? Once Angelique was gone and I was able to notice gross in the other girls I really paid attention this shemale-patlike thing. I am 100% confident that it was a man, man…

This episode opened up immediately after last episode’s elimination with Brett and the Harlots getting lubed up (drinking). Brett pulls the eject button and starts kissing the girls goodnight. Aubry gets upset cause Brett walks around him to start his goodnight kissing (Good man Brett, Good man). On the way to his bedroom Brett is stopped by Daisy (this bitch is growing on me, and after this episode I’m guessing she’s growing on Brett as way, but in a terrible STD sort of way) who wishes to say goodnight in a more “private fashion”. Obviously, this rubs the other vajayjays the wrong way. Especially Aubry and Kristie Joe resulting in them having Kristy Joe / transvestite sex. Well, no…thankfully. Instead they sit in the jacuzzi and bitch and wine while Daisy puts in the kind of work that takes you to the finals baby. Morning comes and Daisy has not returned… On the way to their challenge Daisy is confronted about her night with the Brettster…She calls her accusers bitches and refuses to offer any answers. Well played Daisy, well played.

The challenge is to put a few basic parts onto an essentially pre-assembled motorcycle. Winning team gets a date with that teams lead mechanic getting a solo date and the added caveat that the losing teams lead mech has to clean Bretts bike with a toothbrush. Teams struggle and the team which consisted of Inna, Ambre, Aubry, Megan and Daisy wins. Peyton, being the losing teams lead, has to clean Brett’s bike…but Brett decides that since Destiny was useless she should help Peyton and don a bikini in the process since barely clothed boobs are better than greasy hands every day.

Inna gets the private date which consisted of nothing worth writing about. Ambre, Aubry, Megan and Daisy get the collective date which consists of them getting dressed up and doing a 50’s pin-up style photo shoot. When learning of this Megan pines, “I mean, I’m 23, I don’t wanna dress like 50’s.” Proving once and for all her act on Beauty and the Geek was legit and this bitch it all tits and no brains. That said, she was looking hot for her session…Again, scantily clad tits can overcome a lot of things….including a complete lack of brains. Ambre was also looking rather cute in a total “not only am I cute but I probably won’t fuck your best friend the first time you go on a business trip” kind of way….but her presence on this very show proves that not only would she do it, she’d drain your checking account before hand. Daisy looked, well, like Daisy…I just don’t find Daisy that cute…I can not get past those over-inflated lips…Ms. Jolie’s lips look hot cause they are that big naturally…enhanced lips look freaky and prone to leakage to me. Aubry looked especially horrendous…

After the shoot the girls get a dinner with Brett where he dishes the dirt on KJ. Aubry immediately runs off to tell KJ what Brett said. KJ responds in the traditional KJ way…by crying. Allow me to say something here…the more reality tv I watch (and I watch a lot) the more I hate people who cry. I’ve pretty much reached the point that the moment a character cries I hate them. KJ, playmate or not (if anyone has any of her pics please email them to me), I’m tired of her and want her waterworks ass gone. KJ runs off to confront Brett which comes to nothing and we’re off to elimination knowing KJ is taking her wannabeaSam’s ass home.

Elimination comes and it pretty much goes down as you would expect….KJ and Aubry are the last two standing. Brett starts into his spiel and Aubry just leaps out there and sacrifices herself so KJ can stay. she has a whole speech but I know the truth….5 days straight of having your balls tucked is pretty freaking miserable and the idea of a sixth is pretty much unbearable (Don’t ask how I know this…it involved 3 midgets, 8 bottles of 151, a 5 dollar hooker a pound of cocaine and thanks to camcorders guarantees I can never run for public office.). With great fanfare Aubry falls on her own sword, thus sparing the KJ and leaves the house….Only to have Brett show girls he was keeping the chick all along. THAT’S RIGHT AUBRY….THIS AIN’T TILA TEQUILA!….THERE AIN’T NO BI-SEX UP IN DIS BITCH….DUDES GOTTA DIP….you was gone and you did not even know it.

Peace.

Dedicated to Aubry: Aerosmith - Dude Looks Like A Lady
Dedicated to Kristy Joe: Roy Orbinson - Crying
Dedicated to Daisy: Missy Elliott - Get Ur Freak On

This week’s edition opens up at with Brett meeting his house of harlots at a roller derby ring. The gist of this weeks’ challenge was to protect the baby Brett- replete in cowboy hat and bandana- at all costs. The girls were to skate around the rink while some LA Rollerdykes attempted to pummel the baby into Baby Brett bits. Oh, and joining the rollerdykes would be none other than Lacy Connor, the witch of season 1…the third place witch. I dunno, maybe becoming the target of hate by a nation of ROL watchers mellowed Lacy or something, but outside of dropping a “What up Skanks?” bomb as she was introduced, she was basically nonexistent. What up wit dat, VH1? Srsly…Lacy cn haz freekout tiem nao? kthxbai. Really, by and large, the challenge pretty much blew. The girls can’t skate for crap (neither could Lacey), nobody living got hurt, and no titties flopped out….heh, I know, I was as surprised as you…I thought Angelique’s were on a deblousing hair-trigger, but more on that later…

Kristy Joe was one of the very few who could skate, and as a result her team won with ease and thus got a date. You know who else was on KJ’s team? Yup, Angelique the circus freak. In her 1 on 1, this whore says, “On thees date I am gonna fizz-ook Brett so good eee doesn’t wanna look at any ooof thees girl when eee come back”. Okay. Not to get too ’some guy who doesn’t matter’ and Amy Poehler here, but

…..Really?…..Angelique?…..Really?…..Have you looked in a mirror lately? Like, really….have you looked at Kristy Joe? Destiny? Roxy?…..Really?…..Doodle his noodle all you want hon, but you’re taking it in the ass on the set of Back Seat Bangers 45 next week, cause you’re a fucking disgusting hag who manages to make a French fucking accent unsexy…..Really!….HOW DO YOU MANAGE THAT?….That’s like making the image of Angelia Jolie and Brad Pitt making whoopie on the hood of a vintage Jaguar unsexy…..Really…..but you did it….you disgusting twat.

Sorry.

So, off to the date they go. It’s Angelique, Inna and Aubry on a group date, while Kristy Joe gets a solo for being the team MVP. The group date goes to club Forty Deuce for a private party…and by private party I mean that the girls have to perform a Burlesque dance for Brett over dinner. Burlesque…the art of subtle sexy tease dance…meets Rock of Love. Ummm…Yeah. But Inna and Aubry give it their best. Inna tries to dance, but it doesn’t work out so well for her, and Aubry goes up next and completely out-performs her with an, all things considered, schwing-central performance. Then comes the walking-Picasso. A virtual black-hole for all things sexy gets up there and does…well, she does what she does…her clothes fall off and she gives the stage syphilis. A medical first.

Back home, a misunderstanding about what the super-cute Kristy Joe said earlier has her showing her Season 2 version of Sam’s colors by bawling in the bathroom. Someone should have told her LA bathrooms are for coke and sex, while bawling is to be done in public for all the pap’s to ‘graph (that’s industry speak for “paparazzi’s to photograph”).

As her prize for being MVP, KJ gets a private date of her planning with Brett, so she decides that since she is living in a house full of cattiness, her private date will be her bar-b-quing at the house and the 2 of them will be eating in the backyard. Genius. Failure follows like death in the electric chair. First, KJ admits that she is still legally married, but not to worry…the paperwork has been filed. I’ve used this same line like, 30 times (Erin, hon, that was sarcasm). You cannot drop a bomb like that without some flack, so cue Destiny, who functioned as her namesake by promptly appearing to use her VIP card to butt in on KJ’s date. OK, she may not have showed up as destiny so much as spite, but it was still perfectly timed. Brett reluctantly submits to the power of the VIP card and Destiny climbs onto his lap while KJ’s steak gets cold on the table. Soon, though, Destiny’s time is up and KJ comes back, sanitizes Brett (OK, not really), and they ensue said date. Aaaand just when KJ starts getting over the interruption, one of the two house trannies (Daisy) approaches to play her VIP card. She’s not nearly as rude as Destiny, however, and as politely as possible Brett tells her to get fizzucked and she takes a rain check. Cue KJ going all Sam on Brett.

Elimination comes and FINALLY Angelique hits the road. Judging from what I’ve seen, the only person Angelique repulsed more than me, the viewer, was Brett….and really, that makes sense as I, the viewer, wasn’t having to kiss her. Yay, Angelique goes out the front door, along with Roxy and this week’s episode ends.

For Lacey; despite your brief appearance you get a song: Elton John - The Bitch is Back
In honor of the challenge: Jim Croce - Roller Derby Queen
To Angelique: Sarah McLachlan - I Will Remember You (and your play-doh grill)

Note: I am leaving tomorrow for a week of snowboarding. I do not know if I’ll see this week’s ROL before I return. If not, I’m gonna be a little late on the next 2 recaps.

So, I went and saw “Cloverfield” Saturday afternoon, and I would have figured the monster would have been the ugliest thing I’d see all weekend…until I remembered that Angelique the circus freak was still living in the Rock of Love House. Seriously people. I know I’m more Steve Buscemi than Johnny Depp, but this Angelique…she’s…she’s like a freaking Picasso painting come to life with lip injections. It’s seriously disturbing to look at…but I digress. Let’s move on, shall we.

This week’s episode started up right where it should have. The drunk bitch Courtney, rising from her coma to be informed that she was eliminated in her sleep last night. She takes it better than I would have thought and packs her shit, refers to herself as a dumb ass and a blackout drunk, and then walks out of our lives.

One of the things I like about Rock of Love is the fact that they make minimal effort to disguise what the show is looking for, and this week was no different with the challenge being a “talent” show…in a peep show booth. Some girls got it. Some didn’t. Some girls did kung-fu, some wrote poems, and one failed at playing the drums. Top nods, IMO, went to Kristie Joe pulling the sexy housewife gimmick by ripping her shirt off when Brett asked for more, Amber’s unwrapped herself (is Amber growing on anyone else?) and, it pains me to type this, but, Angelique. She knew what time it was. The freak show cooked some mousse, went in the booth, and promptly smeared it all over her naked titties. For the record, that makes 2 out of 2 for episodes where you see silly VH1 graphics over the place where Angelique’s bolt-ons go, and 0 out of 2 for the other girls. Booo other girls. Brett almost agrees with me, but awards the date to Amber, Peyton (who did a pretty good job singing a song…fully clothed), and Daisy the duck-lipped post op. After the show, the girls, minus the VIP brats, stay up and party with Brett…and by party, I mean listen to him sing “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” for the first of numerous times, I’m sure. The lack of the VIP crew sorts pisses Brett off and he tells the lessers to let the VIP bitches know their shit does indeed stink and that they must redeem themselves with a…get this…old school dance-off. The typically confused blonde, Megan, tries to drop this excuse: “We wanted to get beauty sleep. We were just trying to be hotter for him, if that’s possible.” Yes honey, it is…one word: blowjob. God Damn! did these girls not learn anything from season one?

The date was the kind of shit that only flies when you’re a rock star on a dating reality show: motocross. Nothing of note came from this yawner of a date. Back at the house, the VIP’s decide to say they’re sorry with a card. Again, come on Season 2 bitches, remember Season 1? Heather and some girl I do not remember…sexy pictures taped to his door….WTF! Nonetheless, they make the kind of card you would expect your high school girlfriend to make for you and wait patiently at the door to give it to him. The not-so-important-pussy girls decided to upstage them and take seats closer to the door….this, I’m sure, is the proper foundation for future drama. HOORAY Drama! Brett gets the card….blah blah blah…off to the dance-off….the old school dance off was an embarrassment. No. Really. One girl didn’t even know what the Cabbage Patch was. The winners where Roxy the hotty, Destiny, and the ducklipped post-op.

At elimination there was a cat-spat because one of the idiots admitted she was in the house on a dare, which was immediately told to Brett, obviously. The girl was trying to say it was all a big misunderstanding, but Inna(normous) wasn’t hearing it…cue argument, tears, and one girl eliminated. Three girls whose names I never even learned get the boot and Angelique tries, so desperately, to shove her tongue in Brett’s mouth. Brett reacts with the exact amount of shock and horror any of us would if an inflated lip Picasso-esque porn queen tried to tongue rape our mouth.

Till next week here is some music inspired by the show:

Should be Angelique’s theme song: Johnny Soul - If You Wanna Be Happy
Because it made it’s first appearance of the season: Poison - Every Rose Has It’s Thorn
Come on, Bloodhound Gang basically wrote the soundtrack for a show full of strippers and whores:
Bloodhound Gang - The Ballad of Chasey Lain
Bloodhound Gang - The Bad Touch

Brett’s House of Harlots has been restocked with 20 new aspiring porn queens….twice the silicon, twice the collagen and one busted ass Frenchy known as Angelique (of course). Oh yes reader, it’s y2k+8 and we are getting treated with a brand new season of Rock of Love.

This season season started out much like the last one. 15 girls get let in, 5 get held back. However, this year there was a slight curve ball. Instead of being denied access to the house, these 5 chicks were given VIP (”Very Important Pussy”, as one of them so eloquently put it) status. Being VIP got the girls their very own special room, a ton of free clothing and 15 immediate enemies in the other housecats. I’d imagine this is how the backstage area of a strip club reacts when a new feature dancer comes in.

Now that the whole VIP thing had settled in, the cameras start to introduce us to the “women”. We got Daisy (tranny much?) and the busted ass Frenchy I mentioned earlier, Angelique. She runs over to the stripper pole and proceeds to…..hell, I dunno what you’d call it…she was trying to do a pole dance, but it ended up looking more like something you would have seen in Napoleon Dynamite.

Next it was off to the customary episode one photo shoot. Angelique flopped her FF bolt-on’s out and the tides altered. Then we learn this freakshow has had two boob jobs, a nose job, her lips inflated and her teeth done, and from the looks of things she got it all on a $9.99 Value Menu by some hack. Seriously folks, this woman is a damned disaster…but she is a character, and in the infancy of any reality show you need a character until people can remember the other girls names. Angelique the circus freak, Daisy the post-op, Peyton the Season 2 Rodeo, Catherine the sausage bangs cougar and Kristy Joe the winner…..errr…I mean the former Playmate.

The only other things of any interest this time around included the girl that was supposed to be the Season 2 Jes heading off on some “everything I need to know I learned on myspace” speech (our future is doomed people). Some other girl also got so unbelievably drunk she passed out and slept through elimination…thus sealing her fate as one of the episode 1 fallen, which could have been the worse story of the night, had it not been for VIP turned myspace commercial Erin getting blasted at the first elimination.

So here we are, a new season and from the previews there will be fights, vomit and mudball. Life is good. Lacey, Heather and Rodeo make appearances this season (anyone think Heather will get to stay at the house ala New York in Flavor of Love Season 2?) and more amateur porn videos are certain to surface. See y’all next week.

Season 2 Theme song?: DJ Funk - There’s Some Hoes In This House
In honor of the girls: Ludacris - Youse A Hoe

Let’s flashback to last season for a moment. Remember Jes, the little hottie who won and promptly dumped Brett at the reunion show? Well, from the looks of things she’s been living la vida loca since then. Homegirl hosted some shit out in Nevada recently and showed up looking…I dunno…not so hot I guess. Did she get her nose done?: Pic1, Pic2

Best believe I’ll be doing my weekly write-ups again.

Poison - Look what The Cat Dragged In