ROCK OF LOVE 3: I THINK I GOTS A TITTY LEAK EDITION

Ahhh. Another week, another hour long PSA of what a bad father can do to a daughter. Now I gotta be honest, for some reason my cable box decided not to record Rock of Love this week and by the time I noticed we’d missed the first 8 minutes or so. When we turned it on, Bret was in a hockey rink and the girls were just entering. Turns out that this week’s challenge is a slight variation of last season’s “save Brett’s baby, rollerderby challenge”. See, Brett needs a woman who’ll be able to take care of and be there for his kid and, seriously, is there any better way to find out who that would be than to let the harlots use a baby doll as a puck while the University of Illinois hockey team tries to smash it? Well, it’s probably safer than actually letting this mob of self-worth issues actually meet his children. Oh, did I mention that Lacey was the ROL Girl of Past special guest this season? No? That’s because, just like last season, outside of a 5 second “hey skanks” close-up she was not even mentioned. I am starting to think Bret doesn’t like Lacey very much but the producers keep dragging her back. On this episode she was looking like she came to set straight from a 3 day coke-fueled orgy. What? I’m sure it would have been a 6 day binger had it not been for the lessons she learned on Charm School.

So, the “ladies” get divided into 3 teams with the winning team getting the ever-coveted group date. And a baby-puck bashing the women went! Slippin’, slidin’, wigglin’, gigglin’ and a fallin’ they went. The entire time the girls had been on the ice Beverley had been strugglin’ to stay upright, but once her team hit the ice for the challenge we learn that this bitch has been puttin’ on a ruse and wins it for her team on the first baby. But there is no time to celebrate. Turns out one of the over-injected blondes on Beverley’s team took a header and is thinking she popped a titty.

WTF? I turned to my wife at the time and asked, “You can pop a titty?” like she’d know. Look, I’m no fake boob expert, but I’d say if you’re at risk of popping one of those balloons should you fall, then you got too much silicone or saline up in there.  But I gotta say, if this whole titty pop thing is possible then I bet those grapefruit halves shoved under Vikky Beckhams nipples are at risk of popping in a stiff breeze.

One of the other girls shares my wonderment and comments, “If Melissa busted her breast implant playing hockey, then she got ‘em done in Tijuana because $300 boob jobs pop for not reason, OK?” Amen and preach that shit, sister. Now, make sure you use the handrail when you’re on the stairs. Lord knows if it can happen to her then all you ROL girls are at risk.

After the challenge the losing girls return to their buses, while the winning team gets their date. The girls on the blue bus are welcomed on their bus by a foul smell that they immediately attribute to Brit-the-stalker. Upon further investigation of her bunk, they find two possible sources for the stench. First, this freak is stashing food in her bunk…but that’s the least of this bitch’s trespasses. She also took the socks that all the girls were wearing during the challenge and stashed them in her bunk.

I mean, as Farrah would say, “son of a biscuit eating bulldog! what-the-effing-french?”  This bitch is fudging crazy and every one of these girls will probably be dead within a year, I Know What You Did Last Summer-style.

Meanwhile, out on the date shit’s less creepy but no less crazy. Bret has taken the women to the only place they could all be comfortable together, the strip club. This goes over like apple pie and ice cream for everyone but Beverley, which surprises me ’cause with each passing episode I am becoming more and more convinced that she’s a closet lesbian nom-nomming on all the hags while Bret tries to get to know them. Nonetheless, they finally talk her up onto the stage with all the other girls where she stands like she’s one of the bouncers. This prompts Bret to pull her aside and ask why he ain’t seen half her ass yet. Bev explains she’s can’t be like that cause she’s got (3) fuck trophies back home. Bret labels her a buzzkill and we move on.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel the other girls are calling Brit-the-stalker out on her sock stealing ways. She claims not to have stolen them, rather, she asked the rink if she could have them and they told her yes, so there. Never an explanation as to why, but I know- ’cause that’s the kind of shit that Crazy does….DUH. Meanwhile, in another room busted-boobie Melissa is on her cell phone talking shit about Bret’s hair plugs to her boyfriend. As predictable as tossing gasoline on an open flame, the other girls run to Bret like this is the most important message delivered since Paul Revere made his historic ride.

And then we’re at elimination. Is it just me or did it seem like a rather rough cut to elimination? I mean, I had been drinking, but it just seemed rather sudden.

At elimination Bret offers the girls a chance to get anything that may be resting on their twin orbs off and Farrah calls out the leaky-tittied-one. She’s like, “leaky tit is a lying hoe” and leaky tits is like, “So are you” and Bret’s like, “Bitch, I got the best European hair extensions money can buy, now get the fuck out and clean up your leaky tit behind you.” This brings much cheering and jubilation from the other girls. Ah, but eliminations are not quite done. Oh no, one more needs to go. Seems Brit’s sock stealing was the final nail in her coffin and he eliminates her as well. Much reminiscent of when Megan got eliminated, Brit just stands there. Even as Bret and Big John walk out of the theater, she’s just standing there.

I’m telling you now, the entire cast better watch their backs for the next few months cause dat bitch is crazy.

Here is some music inspired by last weeks episode:

To Brit-Brit’s Sockgate: Richard Cheese – Been Caught Stealin’
Inspired by the “date”: Richard Cheese – Girls, Girls, Girls
Inspired by a Richard Cheese trifecta: Richard Cheese – Are You Gonna Be My Girl

Inspired by the elimination of leaky-tit: Extreme – Get The Funk Out