I was given this idea via the 9B readership and I thought it would be a fun one to do. This weeks Top 5 goes out to all those with a following so obnoxious/weird/what have you that there’s nothing you can do but avoid them. Yes, your Top 5: Dude, what’s the fucking deal with your fans. Have fun with it and don’t take it seriously enough to get offended by it! For my list, I am gonna color outside of the musical line that largely defines the site. So here goes (in an order):
5) Reverend Horton Heat: Now, I can only speak about the RHH fanbase that attends shows here in the Tampa Bay area but I have to say…they’re the fucking worst. Seriously. I’ve posted about it before and I’ll quote myself now; “Fuck you Tampa/St. Pete Reverend Horton Heat fans. As a collective, y’all suck. It’s like a fucking amateur night at the Apollo with y’all…” There. I said it. I pretty much refuse to go to Reverend shows now cause the crowd is such a collection of can’t hold their liquor dipshits and it’s a real shame cause he brings some fantastic openers to town.
4) Juggalos: I was recently made aware of the fact that the whole “juggalo thing” wasn’t just an Insane Clown Posse thing but that there is an entire genre of music centered around Juggaloism. Also, it simply could be me showing my age that they’re included on my list but seriously…..what. the. fuck. Clowns? Fago? I dunno man. I try to be open minded but there is some shit I just can’t get….Juggalo’s you’re one of them.
3) Mac fanatic: Okay, 5 years ago this could have been Linux fanatic, when they were trying to put Linux on anything with a fucking pcb board. “Dude, check out my new electric toothbrush….I managed to get an old version of Debian to boot on it”….Now, it’s the fucking Mac jackoffs. Any mention of a computer problem on the internet brings down a chorus of “get a Mac” comments. Fuck you. Apple isn’t flawless, I have a god damned iPhone, I know. And for the record, my laptop running windows 7 has never crashed. Not once. So eat a dick. You want a closed box sold by a company that treats you like the enemy? Good for you but it’s not something you should be so smug about.
2) Texas: Okay. I’m sure Mr. Romeo is already penning a reply but hear me out. I’ve been to Texas. It’s a browner (the land, not the people) version of Florida w/Mexican food instead of Cuban food and trust me…that’s a step or two down. Your “Don’t Mess With Texas” slogan came from an anti-littering campaign and ultimately The Alamo was fought because the American’s in the Mexican owned territory believed it was their God given right to own slaves in spite of it being against Mexican law. I guess what I am saying is, its cool to be proud of where you’re from. Hell, I get it that, but you fuckers take it to a whole other level so stand down. No more, “that’s right, you’re not from Texas” until the Texans or the Cowboys win an important game.
1) Florida Gator Football: AHHHHHHH Gator fan. Fuck you. Anyone who has ever had to sit in a sports bar with Gator fan in shaking their head yes right now. There may be a more annoying football fan on earth, Philadelphia Eagle fan immediately springs to mind, but you’d be hard pressed to find one worse. These fuckers all went out and bought Denver Bronco Tim Tebow jerseys. I mean, really, what more needs to be said. They went and bought up his jersey despite not being Broncos fans so he’d have the best selling jersey. They’re ridiculous. Steve Spurrier ultimately left because of them. Even in the 90’s when FSU went 7-4-1 (and let’s be real, the and 1 was essentially a win for FSU) Florida fan was unwilling to even acknowledge that there was a team up in Tallahassee. Florida fan is a twat who can usually be spotted in Jean shorts and crocs…enjoy getting beaten by FSU and Alabama this year fuckos.
There you go. That’s my Top 5. Honerable mentions that I couldn’t include: “I can’t believe they’re remaking ________ movie from my childhood” guy, Soccer guy, Obscure music scene snob guy and Ed Hardy/Affliction/Tap Out Guy. So, let’s hear yours…
This song is included for a few reasons; (a) It allows the mp3 aggregators to pick up the post. (b) It’s freaking hilarious & (c) Tiger Woods and all his drama. It comes from Dan’s new album, Live In Los Angeles. There will be a complete write up coming in the next few weeks.
Dan Bern – Tiger Woods