Rock of Love: ahhthiiszallbadd edition

We have seen the girls drink and then we have seen them drink some more. Apparently all of that was practice for this week. The NFL kicked off this weekend, and in much the same manner the ROL girls who had survived the last round of cuts graduated to the big leagues of alcohol intake. Some were not prepared for the speed of the game, more on that in a minute or two. With Sam gone, the opposing sides are evenly matched in numbers, if nothing else. This week, the girls get to show off their skills as fullblown touring groupies. I mean, it’s easy to grind on a pole, drink till you slur and bust off quickies when the cameras blink in the comfort of the Rock of Love house. And yet, how will these amateurs perform when they are out there with girls that are far better looking and have far more experience and just as little self-respect? Onto the tour bus, and off to Vegas for a Brett Michaels show we go!

Enter Vegas.

Brett immediately leaves the women for <quote fingers> soundcheck <quote fingers> and the women rush off to a Vegas hotel room for booze, baths and makeup. Then it is off to the show. The girls keep saying that they were “front row”. I dunno man, unless the definition of front-row has changed in the past few years (yes, I checked urban dictionary), they were actually “stage left”, but no matter….what’s semantics when you have perky tits and a buzz?

Enter Afterparty…

It’s like Lacey went from her normal “see you next Tuesday” self to drooling slurring drunk in about 6.7 seconds. The miracle of editing, I know, but COME ON! It takes me about eight hours of steady drinking to get to that point, and I am going to assume that they were backstage drinking for an hour maximum. I am terribly disappointed in Lacey. Had it been any of the others, I would not have been surprised. Fuck, I would have expected it from Heather, but Lacey? Look, piece of shit band or not (and it is), she was in a touring band….she should be better at this whole pace thing. Mind you, moneyshot Brandi followed her right down the path of drunken stupor, whereas Heather and Jes played it smarter….they were able to form coherent sentences.

So they run off to dinner with Brett and shit goes downhill…Lacey puddles up at the table and needs Big John to carry her back to the room. Fortunately for her, though, she had a more graceful exit than Brandi….Brandi, Brandi, Brandi….Brandi has to go and projectile vomit…AT THE TABLE! Oh. Yeah. Heather and her oysters send the mighty Brandi into a water fountain impersonation. She runs off to the bathroom to pray to the toilet. In between her exorcist remakes, she makes time to profess her love to Brett.

Winner of the overnight date…Jes. Overnight date = sex…to think otherwise is intellectually dishonest. The next morning Brett does what any self-respecting rock star does and puts that whore on a bus back where she came from and then promptly goes on 3 speed dates. Massages and conversation all around….out of the massages Lacey gets the other overnight date that was up for grabs….this unofficially ends the Lacey/Heather alliance, and at the same time insures that herpes will keep on giving.

Back at the ROL house, Brandi gets the boot. So, we are down to Heather, Jes and Lacey and next weeks ROL looks scrumptious.

Till then, I offer these songs as this week’s soundtrack:

To Brandi and Lacey’s afterparty act: Lucero – Drink till We’re Gone
To Brandi’s waterworks at dinner: Drag The River – Amazing G
To Jes and Lacey both bedding Brett in the same episode: Bullet Boys – Smooth Up In Ya
To the broken alliance that is Heather/Lacey: Johnny Cash – I Won’t Back Down

Rock of Love: Meet the Pros Edition

Another week and another chapter in the ongoing saga that is [boom voice]ROCK OF LOVE[/boom voice]. This week Brett brought in 3 of his favorite groupies to grill the five wannabeagroupies. As a note to where Poison and Brett really stand these days none of the “superfans” were around for the 80’s heydays. But then, could you imagine how busted the groupies from back in the day probably are these days:

yeah. it’s best to stick with the new-era groupies.

So what we got was the three supergroupies interviewing the the ROL house in an interrogation type setting. I wish I could tell you this made for great TV but all in all it didn’t. Moneyshot’s hair tries to go up in flames…Sam refuses to fake an orgasm and then runs off to cry….which is about as surprising as water running down hill. Next Jes comes in and admits she doesn’t know shit about Poison, has pumped up lips and that her tits are real….then it happens, one of the supergroupies, Ky, gets caught in the Jes-hottie vortex suddenly finds herself making out with Jes….okay, so there was a moment of good TV in this segment. Ky tells us the Jes is a bit of a lip biter and every viewing male goes to spend some alone time in his bedroom with a tube sock. Heather is next and after a rocky start they bond over their collective trashiness. Lastly is Lacey and the supergroupies see right through her….to the point of openly mocking her. Yawn.

After the interrogation session the supergroupies head out to mingle with the house and make nice. Lacey tries to suck up and get this, Sam runs off to cry….and pack….again. Brett pulls the supergroupies aside to get their angle on the house to which we learn: Sam doesn’t have the mental facilities to reach supergroupie status, Brandi is a fake, Jes is awesome, Lacey is the polar opposite and Heather is a superwhore trapped in a superwhore’s body….in other words, she is perfect for Brett.

Heather wins and as a result she gets the solo date. While Brett and Heather are out, the supergroupies and the rest of the girls hangout….they drink, talk shit about Lacey and console Sam while she cries. Go figure. On the solo date Heather does what every self-respecting girl from the trailer park does on a first date…..she gets Brett’s name tatted on her neck. I’ll assume that A2M followed afterwards off camera.

That’s it. Sam gets the boot and plays some serious tonsil hockey on the way out the door. Too little, too late.

Next week it looks like there will be a lot of vomit. To say I am not already totally looking forward to it would be a complete lie.

This weeks songs:

I dedicate this to Brandi M and her head: The Cult – Fire Woman
This song goes out to Lacey: The Cult – The Witch
Since we had the supergroupies on this week I thought I’d drop a few groupie songs: Great White – Once Bitten Twice Shy, 213 – Groupie Love, Guns and Roses – It’s So Easy, Lynyrd Skynyrd – What’s Your Name, Bobbie Nunn – She’s Just a Groupie

UPDATE!!!!!: I just stumbled across the greatest piece of video ever. Remember last week I mentioned Lacey was in a band….a shitty band. Well, I was sort of inaccurate. She was in that band. Seems she quit Nocturne to go out to LA and attempt a solo career! Well, a video for one of her new songs has surfaced. I could sit here and tell you how terrible it is but really, this one is required viewing….I assure you….hit play…hilarity will ensue:

Rock of Love: Strippers and Whores Edition

This weeks Rock of Love was….eh. Not terrible. Not Great. I probably wouldn’t write about it at all, but I really do need a break from fantasy football sites, so here we are.

Before we get into this week’s recap, I have learned a few things about two of the remaining girls. This is probably old news for you die-hards but it was all new to me:

First: “Blowjob” Brandi M. does porn? (NSFW Link) Really, this comes as no surprise….I pretty much assumed that all the R.O.L. girls were employed in some form of the adult industry, and yet I am a little shocked each time. To think, Sunday evening I was telling my wife that Brandi might be taking over Jes’ role as my favorite girl in the house (but not taking over as hottest…Jes owns that), and then here I am today looking at pictures of her with spooge on her face. I guess the “M” in Brandi M. stand for “money shot”. Oh well, if he is smart, that is Brett’s dick I am looking at.

Second: Turns out Lacey is the front-whore for a metal/industrial band called Nocturne. I think it’s funny that the VH1 people have made sure that they edit out any mention of the bands name. I took one for the team here folks. Yes, I listened to all the songs on their myspace profile so that you wouldn’t have to. The Autopsy report: Horrible….I’m not even saying that to be snarky…nope. It is completely generic….a cheap man’s Kidney Thieves, if I were to make a comparison.

Okay, on with the show.

This week started with the syphilis six having to make a cd cover for Brett’s new cd. Teams are: Jes, Sam and Looney Lacey versus Heather, Brandi M. and M.I.A. The deal is that they are to make a mock cover for a Brett Michael’s cd. Two girls from each team will model and the third is the creative director. Winning team models get a tandem date and the creative director gets a solo, thus setting the stage for maximum drama, and this went right where it was supposed to…bitches in their underwear gettin’ it on. Almost. Bradi’ M. decides it will be a good idea to dress as a dude. I disagreed. So did Brett. Jes, Sam and Looney win with exactly what you would expect from a collection of girls whose most creative moment probably came during a two for thirty solo dance and left a sticky spot on their inner thigh:

Pure gold.

So Looney and Sam get to tag-team Brett, with Jes having to take it all herself. Shenanigans cries Lacey! She runs off to tell Brett the whole predictable cd cover was her idea. Doesn’t matter. She gets no solo time with the B-man. It’s her damned fault though, she showed she was willing to share back in the infamous foursome of episode two (or was it three?). Looney and Sam go to some restaurant where Sam screams that the sun is hot Lacey is a complete nut case, while Lacey is in the pisser. That date ends and the solo session with Jes involves a long motorcycle ride and ends with a suck face session on the beach. Cameras cut, Jes gets busy sucking something else. All in all, the whole date portion of this week was boring, unless we end up with some Jes taking it in the grill pics hitting Oh No They Didn’t soon.

During the dates, Brandi Moneyshot and Heather realize the stupidity of putting jeans and a fake goatee on Moneyshot, and set put to make things right before elimination. They may have been a day late and a dollar short, but what they lacked in good timing, they made up for with enthusiasm. Stripper makeup, stripper boots, no tops and a Polaroid camera…one would get the feeling they might have done this a time or ninety. Afterwards, they stick the pictures on the outside of Brett’s bedroom door. If dude had anything left in the jewels after the twosome and the solo, I’d imagine he ran a batch behind the bedroom doors.

While Brett is drooling over the pictures, M.I.A. comes out dressed in, what I assume is, the sexiest outfit she brought with her. I am sure she thinks she is hot in it, but to me she just looked like an old woman trying too hard to look young. The real bitch of it is that she ain’t even old….yeah, that’s bad….no sex, no appeal, no ass. You loseWeight Exercise.

And loseWeight Exercise she did. Mia gets the axe, and I’ll see y’all next week.

This weeks songs:

I know some of y’all are gonna wanna hear the horror for yourselves. Lacey’s band: Nocturne – My Bitch
They sound like a more vanilla, less talented version of the Kidneythieves: Kidneythieves – Taxicab Messiah
This track goes out to the Brandi M./Heather photo session: Spoon – I Turn My Camera On
With the relevation that Brandi M. gets paid to suck cock, I dedicate this song to her: Poison – Fallen Angel

Rock of Love: PG13 Tour Bus Edition

Big John wakes the girls up at 6am with the loving phrase, “This is rock and roll, it ain’t rock and sleep.” To extrapolate on this one could also say:

Heather: “This is rock and roll, it ain’t rock and strip unless Jes wants to take it off. Then, we’ll make an exception. You, too, Mia, wanna get naked?”
Lacey: “This is rock and roll, it ain’t rock and be crazy and look more like a man with each passing week.”
Sam: “This ain’t rock and Leave it to Beaver honey. Rock and Roll on the Beaver, maybe. Rock and Roll on as many random beavers as possible on every given night…definitely.”

This week was the tour bus challenge episode. To be honest, I was a little disappointed at just how un-rock and roll it was. I had expectations of ‘threesome with random groupies’ skills tests and ‘how well can you get down in the tiny ass bus bathroom’ challenges spiced with a little challenge to see who has the best handi-cam skills while catching it it the pooper. None of that. Really, outside of the crotchless unitard, this was basically the sort of shit any couple with three kids would face on a family vacation. Here are the highlights though:

Super Stripper: Heather was not allowed to participate in this one due to her professional status, so, we get Mandalena and Sam. They gotta pull the Clark to Superman metamorphosis, stripper style. Go into the PORT-O-LET as a mild-mannered groupie and emerge as a full-on whore, complete with thong, crotchless stockings (obviously), stripper heels and a sleeve for a skirt. Sam wins because Magdalena can not tie her shoes correctly (sorry dude).

Dumpster Diving: The challenge is to find a guitar pick in a dumpster full of gross. The competitors are Lacey and Sam. I figured Lacey would walk away with this one, due to her dumpster diving experience. However, mad dumpster skills aside, Lacey’s kung-fu is not enough for Sam’s super-stripper superpowers. Sam gets the victory, but really, there are no loseWeight Exercisers here….except for that whole self-respect thing.

The rest of the tour bus challenge was dull. There was a ‘hook up the guitar and amp’ challenge and there was an ‘assemble these words into the chorus from “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn”‘ challenge. Brandi M. takes the victory in the end, and it’s back to the Harlot House where we learn it’s Brett’s birthday and there will be a party that night for him, and party at the rock of love house can only mean one thing. Alex, give me “drunk bitches pole dancing” for 1000. Before we get to the meat of this, lemme bitch at VH1 again….you mutha-fuckers…all anyone wants is some good ol’ Jes nudity. I know you know this, and yet, when she is in her skivvies on the pole you fail to zoom in. WTF? I do not care if she looked like Terry Schiavo having a seizure on that pole…lemme see it up close and preferably in slow motion. Fucking a-holes.

However, all is not lost. Sam decides to show she is not always an insecure whiner and that she can have a little fun, too, so, she jumps up on the pole on a really sexy outfit…well, okay, she was just wearing a pair of jeans and a tshirt. Whew. Somebody grab me some lotion and a hand towel! But seriously, outfit aside she gave it the ol’ college try. She spun, she grinded that pole like it was corn meal and she shook her ass….okay, okay…she shook the place where her ass is supposed to be….but she shook the hell outta that void. So much so that Lacey decided she need to interject herself into the scene by shoving her forked tongue into Brett’s collagen enhanced face. This proves to be too much and Sam’s “I’m cool too” act falls apart like a house of cards and she runs off crying.

Brandi and Brett go on their date. We learn Brandi’s nickname is “Blowjob Brandi”, and that explains how she got on the show and virtually guarantees her advancement to next week. Mandalena gets sent home and we are prepared for next week. A few personal observations:

  • Brett really looks like shit. Seriously dude. The only thing worse than an aging rock star is one that fights it. Look at the Stones.
  • You ain’t fooling nobody. You have male pattern baldness. It happens. Own it. This shit with the cowboy hats and bandannas is just pathetic.
  • Lacey fancies herself the white-trash New York, but New York has more crazy in her left eye than Lacey has in her entire body.
  • While on the Lacey thing: Babe you ain’t smart enough to mastermind all the shit you talk and you aren’t pretty enough to be a rock stars girlfriend….aging or not. But, you are the most compelling character on the show so I do not expect you will be going anywhere any time soon.

This weeks songs:

On her date Brandi M reveals that she is known as “Blowjob” Brandi back home. I imagine this song as Brett’s inside voice: Richard Cheese – Me So Horny
This song goes out to Sam and her pole skills: Poison Clan – Shake Whatcha’ Mamma Gave Ya’
This song could have been the soundtrack for the entire birthday party scene: DJ Assault – Ass-N-Titties
Since they found a way to mix this one into the episode….yet again…: Poison – Every Rose Has It’s Thorn
Finally, In my world, this song explains what the tour bus challenge SHOULD have been like: 2 Live Crew – Face Down Ass Up

Rock of Love: Girls, Guns and Mud Ball Edition:

First lemme say this. Shame on you VH1. Shame on you indeed. I thought we were in this together but no, you let the best TV moment of this entire train wreck slip through your fingers like Heather’s dignity. More on this later, but I just wanna let you know that, as Colbert would say:

So. This weeks episode had a little this and a little that, but Jes’ clothes stayed on, Lacey didn’t boil any bunnies and nobody got a sleep-over with Brett. Bummer, Bummer and another Herpes infection avoided (as if). It all starts off with the skank squad heading out to a muddy football field to play a little ball. Winning team gets a group sex date, but the MVP of the winning team gets a “solo date”. The teams basically align with the house cliques…whores versus whores in denial. Now, one would have thought the Magdalena would have just dropped her balls and beat these bitches down like the man she might be….but I guess maintaining his cover was more important than the date thing. It quickly became evident that this was a battle between Jes and Heather. Jes goes Lawrence Taylor ala Theisman (not a link for the squeamish thanks to both content and quality) on Lacey’s leg. Heather…well, she just does what she does and her pants jump off of her. In the end, Heathers super-stripper trump card is not enough for Jes’ last second Peter Warrick imitation. Jes gets the MVP and gets to wear Brett’s jacket, which would be cool if we were all still in Junior High School.

Enter solo date.

Jes gets naked. SIKE! No. Instead, she shows up at a bar and gets to hear Brett sings her a song and then they connect over dinner. Yeah, I’m as let down as you are. They did take a moment to talk about “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn.” Seriously…this song manages to get mixed into every. single. show. No Jes in her underwear = lame, so I ain’t talking about it no more.

They come home to a letter from Super Stripper pot-kettling all the other girls (and Magdalene too). Super Stripper and Brett talk….BLAH BLAH BLAH…Erin’s a whore…BLAH BLAH BLAH…Justin Timberlake…BLAH BLAH BLAH…these girls can’t fuck you like I do..BLAH BLAH BLAH…

Next comes the group date….a day at the shooting range with the girls handling/shooting some pistols. This test proves too complicated, and Mandalena shows the sort of pistol skills that could only come from a lifetime of handling guns (I love these double entendres). This is all followed by dinner at the lodge. A lodge with a whole fucking shit-ton of trophy mounts on the walls and no Lacey…..Here is where my problem comes in.

This should have been Lacey’s friggin date! WTF? Put the god damn Peta member in the fucking room decorated in animal heads and let the hilarity ensue. This ain’t rocket science people. VH1 you failed. You had great TV in your hands and you dropped it. Please do not fuck up again. I am watching Brett’s botoxed/weaved ass shoot whores in the barrel for these very moments, and you drop the freaking ball. Fox wouldn’t make these mistakes.

Erin gets run off and on the way says, “I have had bigger and better stars than Bret Michaels.” Good riddance….go back to your swanky hotel bar, there is no place for call girls on this show anyway.

This week’s songs:

This first goes out to Jen and Brett on their first date: Poison – Tearin’ Down The Walls
This one goes out to Mandalena and her gun handling skills: Beastie Boys – Sure Shot
This one, once again, they talk about it every single week: Poison – Every Rose Has It’s Thorn
Finally, this one is dedicated to Erin (and her twin globes of truth and beauty) and is inspired by her admittance to being a serial star fucker…second stanza: Everlast – Ends

Rock of Love: Rodeo cries too damn much edition

I know, I know, there was no Rock of Love update last week. To put it bluntly, the Motorcross episode sucked. There was a motorcycle crash and a cat fight between Peta member Lacey (proving militants are fucking crazy) and Dallas (“They don’t put the word eat in meat for nothing, you fucking hippie”). It sounds more interesting than it was. As a result, I decided to skip the article altogether as a form of protest.

Week four was better….I guess. There were tears. Oh god, there were a lot of tears. Rodeo cried….and cried….and cried some more. By the end of the show, she honestly went from my favorite character to “jesus, just kick the nutty fucking bitch off already” status. In an hour! That is some serious crying. In between all of the crying, the girls had to write lyrics for the music of one of Brett’s solo songs and then sing it karaoke’ style. This brought more crying…from the wife and myself. There were tears of laughter and tears of pain. Mostly pain. They were all horrible. However, considering the source material, I do not suspect we could have expected much more. The two winning teams, Heather & Magdalena “The Man” and Samantha & Brandi C. got dates. Personally, I thought Jes’ team should have won, but that’s only cause I wanna see Brett get her into her under-roos…but that is another story all together.

So, Heather and Magdalena “The Man” go out that night and get plowed under (that’s drunk for those who don’t know). Way under. They proceed to come back to the house of harlots and get everyone drunk. Then it happens. Come on, we all knew it would. Honestly, I assumed it already had and they were just editing it out of the show. Really though, a hair metal (notice I did not call him a rock star) star is in a house with 25 girls who suspended their real “working the stripper pole” and “welcome to wal-mart” lives for a chance of A2M with him…it was only a matter of time. Lacey, Brandi C. and Heather spend the night in Bret’s room. A loon, a porn starlet and a stripper….overnight. This is like elementary math. The next morning all the other harlots are in full hater mode since the closest they have gotten to Brett’s dong is watching the leaked Pam An sex tape.

The next day there is the other date, and the Sam girl whines about worrying that Brett is only on the show to hook up (DUH). He tells her a few lies and she is good to go. Brandi C gets eliminated. I assume this is because once you’ve fucked one porn queen you’ve fucked them all, and outside of that she is really, really blank. And Rodeo gets whacked because she cries too much. Some tears = good TV. Constant tears = bad TV.

This week’s music inspired by the show:

To all the haters who didn’t get on the Brett Train: Violent Femmes – Kiss Off
To the three that took it in the caboose: Poison – UnSkinny Bop
To the waterworks that was Rodeo: Crystal Gale – Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue
To Lacey; Rock of Love’s New York: Faster Pussycat – You’re So Vain

…and this one I post because they make reference to it every. single. week.

Poison – Every Rose Has It’s Thorn

Rock of Love: Talk Dirty to Me Edition

This week’s Rock of Love wasn’t quite the awe-inspiring hour that the first one was. It also should be noted that I was not drunk during this week’s episode. I guess that the two sorta go hand in hand. Just one week in and I was already having a hard time finding the inspiration to continue this series, so I made myself a drink. Magically, inspiration soon followed, and drinking seems as good a place as any to start this week’s summary.

Nothing says noon like a cocktail…or eight, and these girls keep proving that you can gussy up a turd with bleach blond hair and huge titties, but it’s still gonna smell like shit. I once heard an old adage that that the best way to tell if you caught the killer was to lock up your suspects. The innocent ones won’t sleep a wink, but the guilty fella will sleep like a baby cause it just doesn’t matter for him anymore. A stripper pole in a room with more CC’s of silicone than points of IQ has much the same effect at helping to identify the whores. So, at noon thirty with a gaggle of drunk hags and a stripper pole, it should not have surprised to anyone when the tops fell off and lesbian body shots started. Obviously. You had the obligatory girls french-kissing. Of course. And you get the group of girls that, while on a show trying to fuck Bret-freaking-Michaels, are gonna sit outside and talk trash about the whores inside. Naturally.

And now we see the natural separation of the female residents. On one side you have the group that fully embraces their whore-ness. They like to call themselves the A-Team. The Varsity Squad. On the other side you have the other group of girls, that while on a show trying to fuck Bret-freaking-Michaels, are considered the prudes. Whatever. In the end they’re all gonna end up pregnant in a trailer anyway. This separation has also began to show signs of entertainment with Lucy throwing Jes in the pool and Heather going to Brett in an effort to get Clown-titties (Erin) tossed outta the house.

Then there was the ‘challenge’ I named this piece for. The “Who can make Brett the hardest via phone sex” challenge. I should have been drunk for this. How could they tell the winner you ask? They had a device to measure blood flow in the cock artery, or course! Yeah, this was the train wreck you watch garbage like this for. Predictably some of this girls were grizzled vets at the phone sexeration, while others stumbled through like a 16 year old in backseat of their moms car.

Finally, this week saw the departure of Tiffany. I was really hoping the producers would keep her around for a few more weeks, but I guess with the uber-whores versus the not quite as uber uber-whore drama unfolding they felt they did not need the slobbering mess that is Tiffany around. So I raise this glass to you Tiffany and offer this toast, “Don’t threaten me with a good time!”. Even if her departure was anti-climatic, I am gonna dedicate these first two songs to busted ass Tiffany:

Poison – I Won’t Forget You
Poison – Nothin’ But A Good Time
And this weeks theme song: Poison – Talk Dirty To Me

Update: Turns out that, per TMZ, fresh off the taping of Rock of Love, Brandi C. took the screen name Brittany and made her bid for stardom the only way her vapid little brain knew how — shooting a porn flick! OF COURSE! You can see a totally, as in full penetration, NSFW preview of the movie over on babygotboobs.com.

freaking Rock of Love…

Okay. Since My Name is Earl went into reruns, outside of Man Vs. Wild I have been bored with TV. Meadowlands….already deleted the scheduled recording from the box. Sure, John From Cincinnati is interesting, but so far it is moving at the pace of Carnival and it’s just as vague, and that’s a bad thing. The only bright spots in TV land currently are Top Chef and Flight of the Conchords.

All of the above was true until last Sunday. Yes, all of that was pre-Rock of Love.

What do you do when Flava of Love has run it’s course? You replace the hiphop dude with a hair-metal dude and the ghetto bitches with trailer trash. TV gold. Seriously. I mean, it’s VH1 so it’s trashier than Courtney Love and K-Fed in a keg stand contest, but fuck an A it’s fun, and I may be drunk right now (affirmative) but I think it has inspired a weekly blog entry.

We’ll title this week’s episode “Every Thorn Has It’s Rose” or “All the Thorns it Takes to Get to the Roses“….yeah, that.

This week saw 25 girls come to the rock house with the intent of getting to fuck Brett Michaels. Right off the bat, Big John (Brett’s head of security) whacks the five hardest ridden hags at the door. One of which, Tiffany, will absolutely not take rejection as an answer so she comes beating on the door in the middle of the evening demanding to get back in, even though there’s no bed for her. She’ll sleep on the floor, she’ll sleep in the bathtub, just let her back in. Big John does as good TV would demand. Once in the mix of the house, Tiffany makes the trailer trash proud by getting drunk and making a proper ass of herself. The best part of the entire Tiffany portion of the show is the fact that VH1 proceeded to subtitle her drunk talk in a misheard lyric fashion. IE: when she was saying “Brett would never kick me out.” the subtitles read “Brett would ne’er kick me route”. Watch this skank, it’s comedic gold.

Other notes from this week show: Brandi C. is the trailer park version of New York and happens to be the only one representing my home state of Florida. In the opinion of both the wife and myself, Jes is the hottest and finally, Rodeo and Heather are the 2 wild-cards since they are both a tad older and therefore close to Brett’s age. What will happen? Will the trailer trash inspire the drama of the ghetto bitches of Flava of Love? Who knows. One thing is for sure though, the trailer trash will drink as much booze.

Poison – Every Rose Has Its Thorn (album version)
Poison – Every Rose Has Its Thorn (MTV Unplugged Version)
Joshua Fit For Battle – Every Rose Has Its Thorn
Rex Hobart – Every Rose Has Its Thorn (HIGHLY RECOMMENDED HONKY TONK VERSION!!!)

side note: Both the wife and I noticed Brett only appears on camera with a hat or with a bandanna. We think Mr. Michaels has gone bald and either wears a hat or wig to cover the Kojack.