We have seen the girls drink and then we have seen them drink some more. Apparently all of that was practice for this week. The NFL kicked off this weekend, and in much the same manner the ROL girls who had survived the last round of cuts graduated to the big leagues of alcohol intake. Some were not prepared for the speed of the game, more on that in a minute or two. With Sam gone, the opposing sides are evenly matched in numbers, if nothing else. This week, the girls get to show off their skills as fullblown touring groupies. I mean, it’s easy to grind on a pole, drink till you slur and bust off quickies when the cameras blink in the comfort of the Rock of Love house. And yet, how will these amateurs perform when they are out there with girls that are far better looking and have far more experience and just as little self-respect? Onto the tour bus, and off to Vegas for a Brett Michaels show we go!
Brett immediately leaves the women for <quote fingers> soundcheck <quote fingers> and the women rush off to a Vegas hotel room for booze, baths and makeup. Then it is off to the show. The girls keep saying that they were “front row”. I dunno man, unless the definition of front-row has changed in the past few years (yes, I checked urban dictionary), they were actually “stage left”, but no matter….what’s semantics when you have perky tits and a buzz?
It’s like Lacey went from her normal “see you next Tuesday” self to drooling slurring drunk in about 6.7 seconds. The miracle of editing, I know, but COME ON! It takes me about eight hours of steady drinking to get to that point, and I am going to assume that they were backstage drinking for an hour maximum. I am terribly disappointed in Lacey. Had it been any of the others, I would not have been surprised. Fuck, I would have expected it from Heather, but Lacey? Look, piece of shit band or not (and it is), she was in a touring band….she should be better at this whole pace thing. Mind you,
moneyshot Brandi followed her right down the path of drunken stupor, whereas Heather and Jes played it smarter….they were able to form coherent sentences.
So they run off to dinner with Brett and shit goes downhill…Lacey puddles up at the table and needs Big John to carry her back to the room. Fortunately for her, though, she had a more graceful exit than Brandi….Brandi, Brandi, Brandi….Brandi has to go and projectile vomit…AT THE TABLE! Oh. Yeah. Heather and her oysters send the mighty Brandi into a water fountain impersonation. She runs off to the bathroom to pray to the toilet. In between her exorcist remakes, she makes time to profess her love to Brett.
Winner of the overnight date…Jes. Overnight date = sex…to think otherwise is intellectually dishonest. The next morning Brett does what any self-respecting rock star does and puts that whore on a bus back where she came from and then promptly goes on 3 speed dates. Massages and conversation all around….out of the massages Lacey gets the other overnight date that was up for grabs….this unofficially ends the Lacey/Heather alliance, and at the same time insures that herpes will keep on giving.
Back at the ROL house, Brandi gets the boot. So, we are down to Heather, Jes and Lacey and next weeks ROL looks scrumptious.
Till then, I offer these songs as this week’s soundtrack:
To Brandi and Lacey’s afterparty act: Lucero – Drink till We’re Gone
To Brandi’s waterworks at dinner: Drag The River – Amazing G
To Jes and Lacey both bedding Brett in the same episode: Bullet Boys – Smooth Up In Ya
To the broken alliance that is Heather/Lacey: Johnny Cash – I Won’t Back Down