Rock of Love 2: Dirty Girls and Night Vision Edition

This week’s episode opens with our groupies in the exact opposite position that they wanna be in when Bret drags them out of bed at the ass-crack of the morning…well, ass-crack for a college girl or a stripper…normal ol’ get up time for the rest of the world, to go face this episode’s challenge.

This challenge will involve our girls wrapping their legs around a muscular beast, taking control and setting a pace that will get her to the goal first. tsk…tsk…naughty mind. It’s a mini-rodeo! Featuring Rodeo, who gets about 5 seconds more camera time than Lacey did. Seriously? What’s the point? Unless Bret got one more for old times sake while off-camera, I have to wonder what the point of the cameos really is. Were the season one girls really so devoid of personality that is took an entire week to get 5 to 10 decent sound bites out of them? All that said, I forgot how nice of a rack Rodeo had. Good call on getting no less than 3 shots of it into her 15 seconds of cameo. Catherine is excited as hell about the challenge because, well, she’s 45…and playmate or not, she has a shit-ton more bareback experience than any of these hags. Teams are chosen and Megan is, once again, the last to be chosen. She rationalizes this via the following quote:

“I think that the girls didn’t pick me because they’re jealous. They don’t understand what it’s like to go through life being hot with all of the turmoil of hotness.”

That’s right y’all! No one wants her cause everyone wants her! She’s the fucking vapid playmate version of Schrödinger’s cat…and here I was thinking she wasn’t nothing but a oxygen consumer with a nice set of tits. The rodeo involves running a barrel race, roping a faux-cow and pulling bandannas off of un-faux pigs. It was exciting as an episode of Trading Spaces….Jessica throws down like a mutha and Catherine learns that really, in the end, experience does not trump youth and vigor in the Rock of Love house. She cries it out on her bed. God damn I hate crying on my reality tv.

The group date participants are Ambre and Kristy Jo, with Not as Hot Kristy Jo (Destiny), as you’ll see, just along for the ride. They all go to what has to be the most stupid restaurant idea ever, Opaque, where you eat in the pitch dark. Well, you might eat, but Bret is gonna go to third base with the KJ. So, yeah. Seriously. You are seated in, like, black hole darkness and served food.

Only in California and by “only in California” I mean “fucking stupid”. So, dinner boils down to this. Darkness….but we have night vision! What we see is Ambre and Not as Hot Kristy Jo (Destiny) eating their dinner while Kristy Joe does her best to make her own version of One Night in Paris while we watch. Bret suddenly decides to put up some resistance, so KJ decides to go to the bathroom (finish herself off)…giving Ambre her opening, and while Ambre doesn’t go to KJ molestation levels, she does make her own impression. Dinner ends with a blue-balled Bret, a soggy KJ, a satisfied Ambre and a clueless Not as Hot Kristy Jo (Destiny).

They come back from the solo date and Bret does the most obvious thing since water ran down a hill…he takes Kristy Joe, the one who gave his finger a BJ, back to his room for some 1 on 1 time….till 4:30 in the morning…they were “watching a movie”…I’m guessing it was filmed from a stationary camera sitting on a dresser somewhere. Daisy cries ’cause she isn’t included in the dance, and Catherine decides to make Bret breakfast in bed and kiss the left over Kristy Joe off his face.

The solo date with Jessica takes place in daylight and is far less interesting. So much less interesting, in fact, that the most interesting part of it was learning that Big John is a former Marine sniper. There was some kissy kissy and then the bandanna-less Big John killed them both…and deep down inside I bet this was quite satisfying.

Elimination comes and the elders get the axe. Peyton and Catherine are gone. Cheers to a hot-flash free house, and lets hope the real hoe down can now begin, ’cause I am gonna say this…this gaggle of depressed self esteem has really failed to meet the standards set by Heather, Lacey and Brandi. Hopefully, with the mother figures gone the dirt will finally rise.

This Weeks Songs:

To The Pig Chasing Girls: Elton John – Dirty Little Girl
To KJ & Brett: Thrill Kill Kult – Sex on Wheels
To Ambre & Brett: Electric Six – Danger! High Voltage
To Post-Group Date Brett: Jerry Lee Lewis – Great Balls of Fire
To The Entire House: Electric Six – Rock and Roll Evacuation

Rock of Love 2: Fast cars and faster women edition

Ahhh. Another Friday, another Rock of Love recap. I hope somebody out there enjoys these as much as I do. Let’s get to it.

This week’s episode opened with something I do not think I’d ever seen before…Big John’s hair. Hell, I didn’t even know he had any, but there it was….free of the bandanna, free of the hat, and slicked back in it’s best Andy Garcia-like glory. Brett’s hair, however, was M.I.A.

This week’s challenge was the annual Mudball game. Same deal as last season; winning team gets group sex date, with the MVP of that team getting herpes a solo date. In the new and improved Rock of Love mudball challenge, Brett controls the weather…he can make it rain or snow whenever he wants. This makes it like a football game/wet t-shirt contest mashup, with built in nipple erecting.  Have I ever told you how much I like the way this show thinks? The teams are set, but there’s a problem- there is an uneven amount of girls, so to solve this issue the girl not chosen has to sit out the game and give up any chance for a date. Megan ends up being that girl, but she doesn’t care…she’s too fucking stupid to remember the show is about dating Brett.  The challenge involves skimpy wet clothes and your body is bangin’, but you’d rather idle on the sidelines being ignored by everyone? Yay you! You dumb c%#t. (Can you tell I seriously dislike Megan the Vapid?) In no time at all, you can tell that this game is really between Daisy and Ambre. The game goes into overtime and Ambre has the ball and is headed in for the score when the unthinkable happens…she dropped the ball! No reason, just puts the ball on the ground.  Well, Daisy shows her awesome ball hawking skills, scoops it up, licks it, blows on it a little and then heads on down for the score! Daisy wins again!

Daisy’s solo date involves her posing for Brett in various lingerie outfits, but don’t worry honey, this show is all about getting to know you ::wink ::wink. Brett finally finds an outfit he can settle on and they have dinner with Daisy in it. Over dinner, instead of showing cleavage and fondling B-man’s jewels with her foot, Daisy decides to ask questions. Brett softens. Date ends.

Meanwhile, back at the Bunny Ranch, Peyton is in a panic ’cause she hasn’t gotten a chance to connect with Brett in a “one on one way”, so she maniacally scribbles a letter for his door that essentially reads, “BRETT IT’S URGENT THAT I SPEAK TO YOU! IMMEDIATELY! PLEASE!!”  If it weren’t for the two exclamation points following the ‘please’, I would think this was insincere.  Meanwhile, Megan also pulls out her Crayolas and writes a letter of her own…complete with cut-out heart shape. She goes to put her letter on the door, notices Peyton’s, tapes hers on and tosses Peyton’s. Peyton notices this and scribbles out another one even more maniacally, which Megan immediately removes as well. Ahhhh….the simplicity of retards….It’s relaxing, like watching the tide roll in.

The group date involves girls in sexy leather driving suits driving a Lotus around a racetrack. *This* is what ROL is supposed to be about! So the girls all got a shot at driving their pushed-up leather clad double-D’s around the track sans Brett and I was a happy man. There really isn’t anything more to report here.

Back at the house Peyton, cries to Bret and Megan drops this winner, “Me and Bret have a mental…like, Superman, psychological…connection.” Again, not to go all Amy Pohler, and dude who doesn’t matter on y’all, but I’m going to…really?….psychological?…really?…can you even spell psychological?…really?…you’re a playmate…15 year olds are pausing ROL and having their own one on one time to your image and you’re gonna drop “psychological”?…really?  Follow Daisy’s lead…drop the “ologicalological” and add an “al”  Follow that with “bj’s”…and girl, your dumb ass better be good at the bj, or your future is gonna involve a cash register or a Vegas bar at 2:30 in the morning.

Elimination comes and everyone has a pass except Peyton and Daisy. I’m thinking wtf? One of these is gonna get their walking papers, while Catherine and Jessica are still around? Then Bret calls Peyton’s name and I think, “Shit! vajayjayvajayjay must stink or something!” but no…Brett pulls a fast one on us and nobody gets the axe on this night. Matter of fact, Bret tells Daisy he has saved the best for last and that Catherine and Jessica 2 will get eliminated next week.

Tight leather outfits, lingerie?: Motley Crue – Girls, Girls, Girls
Tight leather outfits, lingerie?: Richard Cheese – Girls, Girls, Girls
Tight leather outfits, lingerie and Mudball?: Poison – Talk Dirty to Me
Fake lips, fake tits and hair extensions?: Outkast – Synthesizer

Rock of Love 2: I couldn't think of a clever title edition

Well, it turns out that there wasn’t an episode the week I was gone so there was no catch-up to play. I got up Sunday morning and caught the 11am airing of the new episode live and I’m thinking that was an error. Either being 100% sober made this a pretty dull episode or it just was. Dull when compared to the ROL standards already set that is. Outside of Kristy Joe crying and crying and crying and crying and all-in-all doing a damned near spot-on impression of last years Sam all the way down to the mistrust issues despite being on a reality show full of whores and god-diggers and excess baggage and Daisy cranking down Bret (you think they actually had sex? I’m assuming he got a BJ at the very least…which bears the question are fake DSL’s inferior to real DSL’s? Do they get hard like bolt-on boobs) there was supertranny Aubry falling on her own sword…but that is a whole other story.

Aubry. Was that girl unfortunate or what? Once Angelique was gone and I was able to notice gross in the other girls I really paid attention this shemale-patlike thing. I am 100% confident that it was a man, man…

This episode opened up immediately after last episode’s elimination with Brett and the Harlots getting lubed up (drinking). Brett pulls the eject button and starts kissing the girls goodnight. Aubry gets upset cause Brett walks around him to start his goodnight kissing (Good man Brett, Good man). On the way to his bedroom Brett is stopped by Daisy (this bitch is growing on me, and after this episode I’m guessing she’s growing on Brett as way, but in a terrible STD sort of way) who wishes to say goodnight in a more “private fashion”. Obviously, this rubs the other vajayjays the wrong way. Especially Aubry and Kristie Joe resulting in them having Kristy Joe / transvestite sex. Well, no…thankfully. Instead they sit in the jacuzzi and bitch and wine while Daisy puts in the kind of work that takes you to the finals baby. Morning comes and Daisy has not returned… On the way to their challenge Daisy is confronted about her night with the Brettster…She calls her accusers bitches and refuses to offer any answers. Well played Daisy, well played.

The challenge is to put a few basic parts onto an essentially pre-assembled motorcycle. Winning team gets a date with that teams lead mechanic getting a solo date and the added caveat that the losing teams lead mech has to clean Bretts bike with a toothbrush. Teams struggle and the team which consisted of Inna, Ambre, Aubry, Megan and Daisy wins. Peyton, being the losing teams lead, has to clean Brett’s bike…but Brett decides that since Destiny was useless she should help Peyton and don a bikini in the process since barely clothed boobs are better than greasy hands every day.

Inna gets the private date which consisted of nothing worth writing about. Ambre, Aubry, Megan and Daisy get the collective date which consists of them getting dressed up and doing a 50’s pin-up style photo shoot. When learning of this Megan pines, “I mean, I’m 23, I don’t wanna dress like 50’s.” Proving once and for all her act on Beauty and the Geek was legit and this bitch it all tits and no brains. That said, she was looking hot for her session…Again, scantily clad tits can overcome a lot of things….including a complete lack of brains. Ambre was also looking rather cute in a total “not only am I cute but I probably won’t fuck your best friend the first time you go on a business trip” kind of way….but her presence on this very show proves that not only would she do it, she’d drain your checking account before hand. Daisy looked, well, like Daisy…I just don’t find Daisy that cute…I can not get past those over-inflated lips…Ms. Jolie’s lips look hot cause they are that big naturally…enhanced lips look freaky and prone to leakage to me. Aubry looked especially horrendous…

After the shoot the girls get a dinner with Brett where he dishes the dirt on KJ. Aubry immediately runs off to tell KJ what Brett said. KJ responds in the traditional KJ way…by crying. Allow me to say something here…the more reality tv I watch (and I watch a lot) the more I hate people who cry. I’ve pretty much reached the point that the moment a character cries I hate them. KJ, playmate or not (if anyone has any of her pics please email them to me), I’m tired of her and want her waterworks ass gone. KJ runs off to confront Brett which comes to nothing and we’re off to elimination knowing KJ is taking her wannabeaSam’s ass home.

Elimination comes and it pretty much goes down as you would expect….KJ and Aubry are the last two standing. Brett starts into his spiel and Aubry just leaps out there and sacrifices herself so KJ can stay. she has a whole speech but I know the truth….5 days straight of having your balls tucked is pretty freaking miserable and the idea of a sixth is pretty much unbearable (Don’t ask how I know this…it involved 3 midgets, 8 bottles of 151, a 5 dollar hooker a pound of cocaine and thanks to camcorders guarantees I can never run for public office.). With great fanfare Aubry falls on her own sword, thus sparing the KJ and leaves the house….Only to have Brett show girls he was keeping the chick all along. THAT’S RIGHT AUBRY….THIS AIN’T TILA TEQUILA!….THERE AIN’T NO BI-SEX UP IN DIS BITCH….DUDES GOTTA DIP….you was gone and you did not even know it.

Peace.

Dedicated to Aubry: Aerosmith – Dude Looks Like A Lady
Dedicated to Kristy Joe: Roy Orbinson – Crying
Dedicated to Daisy: Missy Elliott – Get Ur Freak On

Rock of Love 2: The Bitch is Back but Don't Blink or you'll Miss Her Edition

This week’s edition opens up at with Brett meeting his house of harlots at a roller derby ring. The gist of this weeks’ challenge was to protect the baby Brett- replete in cowboy hat and bandana- at all costs. The girls were to skate around the rink while some LA Rollerdykes attempted to pummel the baby into Baby Brett bits. Oh, and joining the rollerdykes would be none other than Lacy Connor, the witch of season 1…the third place witch. I dunno, maybe becoming the target of hate by a nation of ROL watchers mellowed Lacy or something, but outside of dropping a “What up Skanks?” bomb as she was introduced, she was basically nonexistent. What up wit dat, VH1? Srsly…Lacy cn haz freekout tiem nao? kthxbai. Really, by and large, the challenge pretty much blew. The girls can’t skate for crap (neither could Lacey), nobody living got hurt, and no titties flopped out….heh, I know, I was as surprised as you…I thought Angelique’s were on a deblousing hair-trigger, but more on that later…

Kristy Joe was one of the very few who could skate, and as a result her team won with ease and thus got a date. You know who else was on KJ’s team? Yup, Angelique the circus freak. In her 1 on 1, this whore says, “On thees date I am gonna fizz-ook Brett so good eee doesn’t wanna look at any ooof thees girl when eee come back”. Okay. Not to get too ‘some guy who doesn’t matter’ and Amy Poehler here, but

…..Really?…..Angelique?…..Really?…..Have you looked in a mirror lately? Like, really….have you looked at Kristy Joe? Destiny? Roxy?…..Really?…..Doodle his noodle all you want hon, but you’re taking it in the ass on the set of Back Seat Bangers 45 next week, cause you’re a fucking disgusting hag who manages to make a French fucking accent unsexy…..Really!….HOW DO YOU MANAGE THAT?….That’s like making the image of Angelia Jolie and Brad Pitt making whoopie on the hood of a vintage Jaguar unsexy…..Really…..but you did it….you disgusting twat.

Sorry.

So, off to the date they go. It’s Angelique, Inna and Aubry on a group date, while Kristy Joe gets a solo for being the team MVP. The group date goes to club Forty Deuce for a private party…and by private party I mean that the girls have to perform a Burlesque dance for Brett over dinner. Burlesque…the art of subtle sexy tease dance…meets Rock of Love. Ummm…Yeah. But Inna and Aubry give it their best. Inna tries to dance, but it doesn’t work out so well for her, and Aubry goes up next and completely out-performs her with an, all things considered, schwing-central performance. Then comes the walking-Picasso. A virtual black-hole for all things sexy gets up there and does…well, she does what she does…her clothes fall off and she gives the stage syphilis. A medical first.

Back home, a misunderstanding about what the super-cute Kristy Joe said earlier has her showing her Season 2 version of Sam’s colors by bawling in the bathroom. Someone should have told her LA bathrooms are for coke and sex, while bawling is to be done in public for all the pap’s to ‘graph (that’s industry speak for “paparazzi’s to photograph”).

As her prize for being MVP, KJ gets a private date of her planning with Brett, so she decides that since she is living in a house full of cattiness, her private date will be her bar-b-quing at the house and the 2 of them will be eating in the backyard. Genius. Failure follows like death in the electric chair. First, KJ admits that she is still legally married, but not to worry…the paperwork has been filed. I’ve used this same line like, 30 times (Erin, hon, that was sarcasm). You cannot drop a bomb like that without some flack, so cue Destiny, who functioned as her namesake by promptly appearing to use her VIP card to butt in on KJ’s date. OK, she may not have showed up as destiny so much as spite, but it was still perfectly timed. Brett reluctantly submits to the power of the VIP card and Destiny climbs onto his lap while KJ’s steak gets cold on the table. Soon, though, Destiny’s time is up and KJ comes back, sanitizes Brett (OK, not really), and they ensue said date. Aaaand just when KJ starts getting over the interruption, one of the two house trannies (Daisy) approaches to play her VIP card. She’s not nearly as rude as Destiny, however, and as politely as possible Brett tells her to get fizzucked and she takes a rain check. Cue KJ going all Sam on Brett.

Elimination comes and FINALLY Angelique hits the road. Judging from what I’ve seen, the only person Angelique repulsed more than me, the viewer, was Brett….and really, that makes sense as I, the viewer, wasn’t having to kiss her. Yay, Angelique goes out the front door, along with Roxy and this week’s episode ends.

For Lacey; despite your brief appearance you get a song: Elton John – The Bitch is Back
In honor of the challenge: Jim Croce – Roller Derby Queen
To Angelique: Sarah McLachlan – I Will Remember You (and your play-doh grill)

Note: I am leaving tomorrow for a week of snowboarding. I do not know if I’ll see this week’s ROL before I return. If not, I’m gonna be a little late on the next 2 recaps.

Rock of Love 2: Kickin' It Old School Edition

So, I went and saw “Cloverfield” Saturday afternoon, and I would have figured the monster would have been the ugliest thing I’d see all weekend…until I remembered that Angelique the circus freak was still living in the Rock of Love House. Seriously people. I know I’m more Steve Buscemi than Johnny Depp, but this Angelique…she’s…she’s like a freaking Picasso painting come to life with lip injections. It’s seriously disturbing to look at…but I digress. Let’s move on, shall we.

This week’s episode started up right where it should have. The drunk bitch Courtney, rising from her coma to be informed that she was eliminated in her sleep last night. She takes it better than I would have thought and packs her shit, refers to herself as a dumb ass and a blackout drunk, and then walks out of our lives.

One of the things I like about Rock of Love is the fact that they make minimal effort to disguise what the show is looking for, and this week was no different with the challenge being a “talent” show…in a peep show booth. Some girls got it. Some didn’t. Some girls did kung-fu, some wrote poems, and one failed at playing the drums. Top nods, IMO, went to Kristie Joe pulling the sexy housewife gimmick by ripping her shirt off when Brett asked for more, Amber’s unwrapped herself (is Amber growing on anyone else?) and, it pains me to type this, but, Angelique. She knew what time it was. The freak show cooked some mousse, went in the booth, and promptly smeared it all over her naked titties. For the record, that makes 2 out of 2 for episodes where you see silly VH1 graphics over the place where Angelique’s bolt-ons go, and 0 out of 2 for the other girls. Booo other girls. Brett almost agrees with me, but awards the date to Amber, Peyton (who did a pretty good job singing a song…fully clothed), and Daisy the duck-lipped post op. After the show, the girls, minus the VIP brats, stay up and party with Brett…and by party, I mean listen to him sing “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” for the first of numerous times, I’m sure. The lack of the VIP crew sorts pisses Brett off and he tells the lessers to let the VIP bitches know their shit does indeed stink and that they must redeem themselves with a…get this…old school dance-off. The typically confused blonde, Megan, tries to drop this excuse: “We wanted to get beauty sleep. We were just trying to be hotter for him, if that’s possible.” Yes honey, it is…one word: blowjob. God Damn! did these girls not learn anything from season one?

The date was the kind of shit that only flies when you’re a rock star on a dating reality show: motocross. Nothing of note came from this yawner of a date. Back at the house, the VIP’s decide to say they’re sorry with a card. Again, come on Season 2 bitches, remember Season 1? Heather and some girl I do not remember…sexy pictures taped to his door….WTF! Nonetheless, they make the kind of card you would expect your high school girlfriend to make for you and wait patiently at the door to give it to him. The not-so-important-pussy girls decided to upstage them and take seats closer to the door….this, I’m sure, is the proper foundation for future drama. HOORAY Drama! Brett gets the card….blah blah blah…off to the dance-off….the old school dance off was an embarrassment. No. Really. One girl didn’t even know what the Cabbage Patch was. The winners where Roxy the hotty, Destiny, and the ducklipped post-op.

At elimination there was a cat-spat because one of the idiots admitted she was in the house on a dare, which was immediately told to Brett, obviously. The girl was trying to say it was all a big misunderstanding, but Inna(normous) wasn’t hearing it…cue argument, tears, and one girl eliminated. Three girls whose names I never even learned get the boot and Angelique tries, so desperately, to shove her tongue in Brett’s mouth. Brett reacts with the exact amount of shock and horror any of us would if an inflated lip Picasso-esque porn queen tried to tongue rape our mouth.

Till next week here is some music inspired by the show:

Should be Angelique’s theme song: Johnny Soul – If You Wanna Be Happy
Because it made it’s first appearance of the season: Poison – Every Rose Has It’s Thorn
Come on, Bloodhound Gang basically wrote the soundtrack for a show full of strippers and whores:
Bloodhound Gang – The Ballad of Chasey Lain
Bloodhound Gang – The Bad Touch

Rock of Love 2: Meet the Hoes Edition

Brett’s House of Harlots has been restocked with 20 new aspiring porn queens….twice the silicon, twice the collagen and one busted ass Frenchy known as Angelique (of course). Oh yes reader, it’s y2k+8 and we are getting treated with a brand new season of Rock of Love.

This season season started out much like the last one. 15 girls get let in, 5 get held back. However, this year there was a slight curve ball. Instead of being denied access to the house, these 5 chicks were given VIP (“Very Important Pussy”, as one of them so eloquently put it) status. Being VIP got the girls their very own special room, a ton of free clothing and 15 immediate enemies in the other housecats. I’d imagine this is how the backstage area of a strip club reacts when a new feature dancer comes in.

Now that the whole VIP thing had settled in, the cameras start to introduce us to the “women”. We got Daisy (tranny much?) and the busted ass Frenchy I mentioned earlier, Angelique. She runs over to the stripper pole and proceeds to…..hell, I dunno what you’d call it…she was trying to do a pole dance, but it ended up looking more like something you would have seen in Napoleon Dynamite.

Next it was off to the customary episode one photo shoot. Angelique flopped her FF bolt-on’s out and the tides altered. Then we learn this freakshow has had two boob jobs, a nose job, her lips inflated and her teeth done, and from the looks of things she got it all on a $9.99 Value Menu by some hack. Seriously folks, this woman is a damned disaster…but she is a character, and in the infancy of any reality show you need a character until people can remember the other girls names. Angelique the circus freak, Daisy the post-op, Peyton the Season 2 Rodeo, Catherine the sausage bangs cougar and Kristy Joe the winner…..errr…I mean the former Playmate.

The only other things of any interest this time around included the girl that was supposed to be the Season 2 Jes heading off on some “everything I need to know I learned on myspace” speech (our future is doomed people). Some other girl also got so unbelievably drunk she passed out and slept through elimination…thus sealing her fate as one of the episode 1 fallen, which could have been the worse story of the night, had it not been for VIP turned myspace commercial Erin getting blasted at the first elimination.

So here we are, a new season and from the previews there will be fights, vomit and mudball. Life is good. Lacey, Heather and Rodeo make appearances this season (anyone think Heather will get to stay at the house ala New York in Flavor of Love Season 2?) and more amateur porn videos are certain to surface. See y’all next week.

Season 2 Theme song?: DJ Funk – There’s Some Hoes In This House
In honor of the girls: Ludacris – Youse A Hoe

Let’s flashback to last season for a moment. Remember Jes, the little hottie who won and promptly dumped Brett at the reunion show? Well, from the looks of things she’s been living la vida loca since then. Homegirl hosted some shit out in Nevada recently and showed up looking…I dunno…not so hot I guess. Did she get her nose done?: Pic1, Pic2

Rock of Love: The Reunion Edition

How do you spell disappointment? This week I spell it: Rock of Love Reunion. We had a brand new bottle of Johnny Walker Red and a bottle of Jack Daniels (liquor store was outta Beam), some Zingers and plenty of ice….we were ready! And then it began…

Are you serious? That was it? Heather and Lacey make up….Heather and Jes hug? Pfffttt…those ghetto bitches from Flavor of Love never ever disappointed like this. Shit, even Jes telling Brett to kiss off was done in as an unoffensive a manner as possible. BOOOO! Judging from the traffic spike I’ve seen, it seemed like the causal ROL viewer had no idea about Brandi M and Brandi C’s jaunts into the porn industry. Maybe those people found all of that interesting, but it was just old news for my household.

That’s it. I only wrote this in the interest in completing a task I had begun here, but I was seriously disappointed in the whole thing. Some good news is that Bret has already signed on to do a Rock of Love, Season 2, but until then this will spell the end of my television blogging on ninebullets.net. If you wanna read about some of the other shows I watch and recap, then head over to my myspace blog….I’ll be doing I Love New York 2 over there and writing pieces on the other shows I watch. Don’t worry, though, ROL2 will have a place on ninebullets.net.

BB King – The Thrill is Gone
Poison – The Last Song

See ya for season 2!

Rock of Love: The final edition

Here we are. We all knew it was gonna come to this, but we’ve all tried to ignore the inevitable. The Rock of Love finale. No more of the best women America’s trailer parks have to offer, embarrassing and demeaning themselves on Sunday mornings for our entertainment. All that’s left now is the reunion special followed by Hustler spreads, sex tapes and waiting to see which girls will be on Charm School Season 2.

*sigh* Okay, let’s get down to business…

In this corner, we have the uber-cute and funny Jes…the classiest hooker R.O.L. had to offer. In the other, we have Heather….the aging stripper who morphed into more of a man with each passing episode. She parties hard, makes out with women, is constantly topless and all-in-all, the perfect girl for Bret. This will be a three round, winner takes all catfight for the ages. Now, let’s head out to Cabo San Lucas (Mexico for those of you who are geographically challenged and too cash strapped to think of any vacation that takes you out of your state), and see who gets their man.

The two contestants and our Romeo in a Bandanna arrive in Cabo to be greeted by a troop of Mexican strippers shaking their money makers, and Heather jumps right in to compare pelvic thrusts and tittie bounces. This troubles Bret ::wink wink knudge knudge::. Then the “ladies” run off to their staging room to prepare for dinner, and for one, a night of hot Bret love.

You could have kept wine cool with the stares being shot across the table at dinner. Icy stares elevated to snarky comments which elevated to a stripper whore accusation which was countered with a ‘too young to really know how to work the helmet’ jab. After last episode’s dinner with the parents, I imagine Bret was wondering what he had to do to have a nice dinner with a couple of whores…Bret, here’s a hint, turn off the cameras and give ’em a wad of cash…at least, that’s how the common man buys his sex. Heather channels the power of the neck tat, and whattaya know….via Bretmail, Heather is deemed the winner of round 1 and gets the first date with Bret. Jes is relegated to sloppy seconds, but at least she doesn’t have to go through the whole laser removal thing.

I think the dates were telling. I mean, he takes Heather out to ride dune buggies….he takes Jes out on a yacht. A little insight into what Bret really thinks about these two?

Bret takes Heather on the sandiest date ever. First, as I said, they go out riding dune buggies, during which Bret starts to get sick due to his diabetes. He tells Heather he is feeling poorly and wants to eat, and she replies, “I wanna drive it.” Ain’t that just like a fuckin’ bitch, always wanting to drive the wrong things at the wrong damn time. She proceeds to see if she can give Bret a little sea sickness to accompany the insulin shock. Finally, Bret convinces her to stop and they run off to the beach for a picnic….told you it was a sandy date. Food is followed by tongues in mouths and dinner later that night. On her way to dinner, Jes tells Heather her dress screams stripper (you expected something else?) and that she’ll (Heather) never be anything more than a fuck buddy to Bret. Over dinner, Bret tells her he has bonded with her on a party level but he’s not sure if he has/can connect on an emotional level. This is a conversation us normal people have with our….i dunno….fuck buddy? Heather takes all this in, tells him she loves him, and promptly runs off to fuck him. Damn Jes and her clarity!

The next morning, still aglow, Heather puts her inner stripper on blast and asks Jes if she can still smell Bret on her. Then, as Jes is running off for her date, Heather reminds her that “When you kiss him, you’ll be licking me” and “Sloppy seconds, baby!” (actual quotes). Jes, unfazed, plants THE kiss of the whole series on Bret, and they’re off for an afternoon of Jes in a bikini on a yacht. <horribly over-used Borat accent>Very Nice!</horribly over used Borat accent>. Nothing to report here, I am gonna guess that there was very little that could be used on television that came out of the afternoon. Flash forward to dinner, and it’s attack of the diabetes, round two. This time it must be worse, because Bret goes through the explanation of what to do should he go into insulin shock, to which Jes plays her trump card and cries. Game, Set, Match! Game Over! The remainder of this show is only there for the advertisers…the contest is over. After dinner, they head up to Bret’s room and we see a blurry spot where Jes’ naked ass is supposed to be, as they cut to commercial.

Do you think the bandanna stays on during sex?

By now, everyone knows Jes won. If you didn’t, well, you do now. Heather even came out in her biggest hair yet, but it wasn’t enough to overcome simple physics…you do not make commitments to fuck buddies….not even ‘bullshit, for the cameras on reality tv’ commitments. Upon the announcement that Jes was gonna be the winner, Heather and both stories of her hair stormed off. It was probably at this moment she realized what a colossal mistake the tattoo was. In the afterdump interview, she cusses Brett up one side and down the other…all the while, a family of illegal immigrants was moving into her hairdo.

That’s it folks. The Rock of Love saga comes to an end….almost, we still he the reunion special! See you next week. Till then, here are this weeks songs:

To Heather: Aerosmith – Dude Looks Like a Lady
To Heather’s “you’ll be licking me” speech: Poison – Talk Dirty To Me
To Jes and her sloppy seconds: Poison – Nothing But A Good Time
And one last time for nostalgia: Poison – Every Rose Has It’s Thorn
And to watching a balding old man land a hot 23 year old: Poison – Something to Believe In

Rock of Love: Meet the Parents Edition

Fresh off a trip from Vegas, Brett and his threesome are back at the Rock of Love house (party trivia: it was also used in America’s Top Model one season) and Brett has a surprise for the harlots.

How any times have you looked at thee girls and thought to yourself, “I bet their daddys are real proud of them.” Me? Well, the phrase ‘if I had a nickel for every time’ comes to mind. Well, this week is parents week! YAY! The loins that created these sexpots enter the ROL mansion.

First come Heather’s parents. As one would expect…pure ‘neck. A momma who does her shopping at Mervyns and a good ‘ol boy poppa from Florida. Ocala region would be my guess. They are proud as shit of their daughter…and why not? They are coming from a background where most girls are pregnant by sixteen….beaten and divorced by 20 and have three babies by three, maybe two, different daddies by 30. A fake tan with titties and hair-color to match is the Southern equivalent of success. All snarkiness aside, though, Heather really grew on me throughout this episode.

Next to arrive are Jes’ parents. A short fatty for a mom (red flag anyone?) and an oddly inappropriate dad…seriously, do all dads talk about their daughter’s tit size with their daughter’s dates? My assessment: the mom is a stay at home mom who never misses an episode of Oprah or Dr. Phil and drowns her unhappiness in primetime programming and book of the month selections. The dad works and spends his home time in the computer room rubbing one off to Suicide Girls and has probably fantasized about his daughter once or twice and drowns his unhappiness in a four-Manhattan-a-night habit. psst: hey jes, your titties are fine.

Then finally, the ones we’ve all been waiting for show! The Queen Bitch’s parents arrive. When we first meet them, they just seem like normal parents, but we do learn that Brett and Lacey’s pops met many years ago on an airplane flight. Wtf? How do people remember past last month? Ahh….but looks can be deceiving.

This episode’s game- take the girls out separately with their parents….in the order they arrived.

Bret, Heather and the ‘rents go to lunch at…and I am dead fucking serious here….the. coolest. restaurant. ever. This place had a mechanical bull in the middle and this gigantic beer bong thing at the end of each table with a tap so you can fill ‘er up till it’s empty. Seriously….if I am ever in California (god forbid), I’m going to this place. 100% ‘neck for the ‘neckiest folks in the house. Heather’s Dad tells a fart joke, Heather rides the mechanical bull (even Hellen Keller saw that coming), and they drain the beer bong. Again, maybe it’s my ‘neck-isity accompanied by my redneck upbringing, but this episode really put Heather on my good side.

For the next date, Bret, Jes and her folks head off to a “rock and roll fashion shop” for some costume play. FTR: In my opinion nothing could be less rock and roll than a “rock and roll fashion shop”…color me an elitist but seriously….there was nothing to this date…it made for poor television….but! The group did nothing to really embarrass itself.

Off to Lacey and her parents. Dinner…at a place called “Eat”…so fucking L.A. I wanna walk outside and slap a yuppie as I type the name. Nonetheless, we quickly see where Lacey gets her “entitlement” from. The dad just goes into Bret like it’s an interrogation. Unreal, the highlight being this exchange:

Brett: Is there some kinda hot sauce on those fries, or is it just my tongue that’s on fire?
Asshole pops: I think it’s all the lies you’re telling.

Think it couldn’t get any worse than that? WRONG! At one point during the dinner, Otis, Lacey’s pops, tells Bret that in order to marry his pretty princess, Bret will need to sign a pre-nup. Cause, you know, Otis is loaded. WHA? HUH? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay, outside of the fact that Bret is, you know, cheesy band or not, a very successful rock star…NEWSFLASH: Otis, your daughter is a whore….Bret ain’t gonna marry her…whores get herpes, not husbands…end of story…Otis just don’t know….tha’sall’right though….Heather ’bout to let a muthafucker know…

The plan was to have a group dinner that night. Group dinner turned into ‘if there’s a fan in this house, it’s about to have some shit on it.’ So all the way up ’til now, one thing is obvious, Lacey’s parents have no idea who she is and Lacey is totally playing the ‘I’m a pretty pretty princess’ role. So, prior to dinner, Heather pulls out all the dirt and tells her own parents everything that’s been going on in the house in preparation for the best dinner EVAR!

Dinner comes and it is the beginning of the Heather’s ‘show the other side of Lacey to her parents’ expose. The point here being that Lacey’s parents think she is a good girl who only knocks over a few beers once in a while. “Isn’t it true you knocked over 40 bottles in Vegas?” asks Heather. Lacey does not deny. My note: 40 bottles? Jeeez! Lacey’s step mother pulls the eject ribbon, but this is obviously just the start to the weekend. The next day comes around, and in typical Lacey fashion we find her doing damage control with Bret, but it looks like the bitch done lost her mojo. Oh yes. Heather is on the balcony above listening to the entire thing. Heather confronts Lacey with, “I hear you talking shit about me, you master manipulator.” Lacey drops “sweetie” a few times, which pisses Heather off even more. Heather drops a “bitch” and a “whore” Ding ding! They separate to their corners for a moment…Heather vents to her folks…Lacey does damage control to her pretty little princess facade.

Round 2: Knockout blows are landed. Oh yeah, Lacey comes out with her counter punching style and gets caught by some hay makers. First Heather lands “Your daughter is a slut!” on Lacey’s Dad, which stuns Lacey just long enough for Heather to drop the knockout blow…“You’ve done all the sexual shit with Bret…I saw you suck his dick up there last night”

T.K.O.

Lacey’s creepy old man tries to talk about it to Bret later, but it’s all over…the witch is dead.

Lacey is eliminated and we move on to the final episode.

This Weeks Songs:

This one goes out to Lacey: Ding Dong
Otis, get a clue…this one is for you: Dr. Dre – Housewife
The parents came to the house…you know what that means: Electric Six – Naked Pictures (of your mother)
Bret and Heathers song: Unknown Hinson – Barbie-Q