ROCK OF LOVE 3: MUD BOWL 3 EDITION

There was no ROL recap last week. I know. I was on vacation. I could go back and recap it but really, this season just hasn’t been interesting enough to bother. Honestly, I have not even garnished enough interest in this season to bother learning the girls names yet. But, I have not grown disinterested enough to stop watching. I will say this though, Rock of Love 3 ain’t got shit on Tool Academy.

This weeks ROL was the annual Mud Bowl episode. For those that don’t know, it’s when all the strippers put on as little as possible add some knee socks, mouthpieces and a fire truck turning a field into a shallow lake and they play tackle football.

The girls break down into teams by bus. There’s the Sweethearts versus the Fallen Angels. The Fallen Angels, being what’s left of the Blondentourage with two of the new girls while the Sweethearts are the remaining brunettes. Bret explains that the winning team will get a group date while the MVP of the game will get a private date that will involve flying via private jet to Dallas and staying (read, getting punish effed in the dumper) overnight.

The game itself featured the requisite amount of nudity and the obligatory Ashleyism of the week when she drops this gem, “I am gonna do whatever it takes to win this MVP. Even if it means that I have to get my hair all muddy, so I look brunette.” Unfortunately, by the end of the game Ms. Ashley was a mere dirty blonde and Mindy wins the STD MVP.

The date involved Bret and Mindy going to a restaurant called Billy Bob’s (well, it is Texas) and then to one of Bret’s concerts which Mindy watched from side stage.

Does it seem like I skipped over the date leaving out some details? That’s been the big problem with this season. Not that I’d be foolish enough to think there is much depth to these hags but it just seems that this season been so shallow, so surface level that it’s barely worthy of the 30 minutes I spend each week typing these recaps up….but back to the date:

After the show Bret and Mindy head back to the hotel room where Mindy slips into something less classy more comfortable. A leopard print top complete with blurred out nipples, underwear, stockings and high-heels. You know, standard issue stripper costume no. 3. The VH1 friendly portion of the date ends with Bret and Mindy making out while Bret closes the door to the camera.

The group date was a dinner where Bret informed the girls that his really close soldier friend that he knew for count ’em, 3 weeks, was killed in Iraq and he’s somber. After the dinner Bret tries to steal some alone time with the ear ring faced girl. This alone time involved Bret asking her questions and her trying to comprehend his sentences and then formulate a reply. All of this just came across as dead air on TV so Bret went for the one thing he knew could do….they made out. I bet making out and blowjobs are imprinted on a whores DNA.

Elimination comes and Bret sends the blonde who’s dad just died home cause she was becoming a buzzkill.

Hopefully this season is gonna pick up…if not I feel that these recaps are gonna stop. Perhaps I’ll start recapping Tool Academy or I Love Money 2….both of which are infinitely more interesting and fun to watch.

This song perfectly captures the girls this season: Outkast – Synthesizer
This song perfectly captures my feelings towards ROL this season: Corrosion of Conformity – Stare Too Long

As a side note…this fake VH1 press release has been circulating the internet and seeing it made me realize just how bored I’ve grown with the ROL series. I do so wish this were true though…I’d DVR it and watch it numerous times a week:

PRESS RELEASE VH1/Viacom Corp. For Immediate Release Jan. 12, 2009 New Season of Rock of Love to Feature Metal Legend Glenn Danzig VH1 announced today that producers are now filming a new season of Rock of Love featuring metal/punk/horror-core legend, Glenn Danzig. The new show, which will premiere this July, is called “Rock of Love: Bride of Satan with Glenn Danzig.” Danzig is well-known in metal and punk circles as one of the founding members of 1980s horror-core punk rockers Samhain. He went on to the form hard-rock band Danzig, which scored several top 40 hits in the late ’80s including “Mother” and “She Rides.” Both a singer, songwriter and multi-instrumentalist, Danzig is also well-known for his interest in the occult and all things evil. VH1 producers stated that introducing the element of Satanism would inject new life into the Rock of Love franchise as well as reach a different audience niche — jokingly referred to by insiders as “the black market.” The new series will follow the traditional Flavor of Love/Rock of Love format with a group of 20 women vying for the affection of the celebrity musician. However, at the insistence of Mr. Danzig, the winner will enter into a legally-binding marriage with Satan in a ceremony that is sure to test the limits of basic cable censorship standards. Although network executives are keeping a tight lid on the show’s planned shennanigans, a few details have been leaked about planned challenges. These include: goat entrail soup and chili cook-off blindfolded nun deflowering contest sexy seance strip-a-thon virgin or family member: the sacrifice challenge name that heretic

ROCK OF LOVE 3: MEET THE TITTIES EDITION

This week’s episode opens with somber news. In the dark of night, Maria has been forced to leave the show due to “medical complications”…which is Rock of Love speak for a herp outbreak. Maria should have just snorted some valtrex and owned it like Katie Holmes. Nonetheless, Big John informs the girls that they are heading out to the next destination while Bret stays behind and pays Maria a visit.

Bret tells the girls he’ll meet up with them in Chicago and that they should “dress to impress”, which is Rock of Love for “put the skank on 11.” The girls meet this challenge head on and do not disappoint when they arrive at the venue looking like a walking Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog. Highlights of the outfits include Tequila wearing a black veil and blurred out tits, Taya in a trashtastic patent leather french maid type hot pants outfit and what’s left of the blondetourage wearing essentially matching outfits.

Today’s challenge is the roadie challenge, which essentially boils down to the girls dividing into 2 teams and disassembling and loading up 2 stages. The girls divide into teams by drawing colored guitar pics out of a hat. During the process Tequila draws a pic unlike the rest….hmmmm….what ever could this mean? Turns out, there are an odd amount of girls and the one drawing the odd pic gets an automatic win. This goes over like celibacy with the other girls.

The girls go to work breaking down the stages and one thing quickly makes itself apparent, Taya’s tittie is used to being her main attraction and is tiring of missing all this camera time. Taking matters into their own mammaries, Taya’s tit just jumps on out, queueing the censors and forcing the VH1 tit blurring dude to work overtime. Taya, while distracted by her left tit cameo, steps right off the stage.

Mayday! Mayday! Penthouse Pet down!

Not to worry, though. Taya’s gone down harder on lesser stages and she’s back on the stage within seconds. Even though she’s still working, it becomes obvious that the fall has left Taya with a not so fresh feeling and Taya’s tears prompt an outpouring of emotions from Farrah who rounds the corner and tells Taya to “shut up and keep working”. This tough love technique is not enough, though, ’cause the other team wins. By winning, the team will get the VIP treatment and an onstage view of Bret’s show that night. The loseWeight Exercisers? Well, they get what was probably their average Sunday afternoon prior to coming on the show….a white trash picnic in the bus parking area.

At the show the winning team has a stage right view while the loseWeight Exercisers have a fine place in the nosebleeds where, due to the sheer lack of people who actually care about Bret sans CC and Co., they are within easy view of Bret. The music starts and like bacon grease popping in a frying pan the stage right girls are all doing their ‘white trash in the club’ shimmy and shake when, lo and behold, the least surprising thing ever happens…another titty does it’s own Janet Jackson impression. At some point during the show, Tequila decides to take a bracelet that Bret had given her and give it to a group of thirty-somethings in the front row singing Bret’s songs. This goes over like wearing underwear with the other girls.

On the way to the after-party I guess Brittanya was feeling left out, ’cause the big black box where her tits should be suggests that hers had caught up with this week’s meet the tits subplot. Once at the after-party the girls start drinking like….well….just like they did yesterday. And the day before. And the day before. And…well, you get the point. But really, they ramp up their booze intake on this particular night…to the point where Ashley pukes in a hotel lobby trash can and Ms. “I can’t act like a ho cause I’m 22 and gots 4 kids” makes out with Bret’s drummer. Well, she kisses the drummer, but in the world of instant hyperbole that is Rock of Love she may as well have blown him on top of the bar.

The next morning finds our lovely harlots surveying the damage. Taya feels like she did after prom night with the field hockey team from her solo stage dive, and Bev-“I can’t act like a hoe cause I’m 22 and gots 4 kids”-erley has her ‘tongue mamba with the drummer’ memory lapse filled in for her.

At elimination Bret whittles the possible loseWeight Exercisers down to Marcia, Beverly and Mindy and tells Big John he can take the final two passes and head out, leaving us to believe that all three of these hags are heading home. Instead, Bret verbally disciplines Beverly for making out with his band and Mindy for not enjoying his crappy show and sends them off to the bus, leaving only Tequila. Seems Bret finally figured out that Marcia was only here for the free booze and her ride ended there.

Bummer.

This weeks music selection is dedicated to all the wardrobe malfunctions:

Bob Log III – Boob Scotch
Bob Log III – Clap Your Tits
Leena Alexandra – My Boobs Are OK
Joe Walsh – I.L.B.T.’S
Hank Williams Jr. – Big Top Women
Scissor Sisters – Tits On The Radio
Sir Mix-A-Lot – Put ‘Em On The Glass
Holy Modal Rounders – Boobs-A-Lot

ROCK OF LOVE 3: I THINK I GOTS A TITTY LEAK EDITION

Ahhh. Another week, another hour long PSA of what a bad father can do to a daughter. Now I gotta be honest, for some reason my cable box decided not to record Rock of Love this week and by the time I noticed we’d missed the first 8 minutes or so. When we turned it on, Bret was in a hockey rink and the girls were just entering. Turns out that this week’s challenge is a slight variation of last season’s “save Brett’s baby, rollerderby challenge”. See, Brett needs a woman who’ll be able to take care of and be there for his kid and, seriously, is there any better way to find out who that would be than to let the harlots use a baby doll as a puck while the University of Illinois hockey team tries to smash it? Well, it’s probably safer than actually letting this mob of self-worth issues actually meet his children. Oh, did I mention that Lacey was the ROL Girl of Past special guest this season? No? That’s because, just like last season, outside of a 5 second “hey skanks” close-up she was not even mentioned. I am starting to think Bret doesn’t like Lacey very much but the producers keep dragging her back. On this episode she was looking like she came to set straight from a 3 day coke-fueled orgy. What? I’m sure it would have been a 6 day binger had it not been for the lessons she learned on Charm School.

So, the “ladies” get divided into 3 teams with the winning team getting the ever-coveted group date. And a baby-puck bashing the women went! Slippin’, slidin’, wigglin’, gigglin’ and a fallin’ they went. The entire time the girls had been on the ice Beverley had been strugglin’ to stay upright, but once her team hit the ice for the challenge we learn that this bitch has been puttin’ on a ruse and wins it for her team on the first baby. But there is no time to celebrate. Turns out one of the over-injected blondes on Beverley’s team took a header and is thinking she popped a titty.

WTF? I turned to my wife at the time and asked, “You can pop a titty?” like she’d know. Look, I’m no fake boob expert, but I’d say if you’re at risk of popping one of those balloons should you fall, then you got too much silicone or saline up in there.  But I gotta say, if this whole titty pop thing is possible then I bet those grapefruit halves shoved under Vikky Beckhams nipples are at risk of popping in a stiff breeze.

One of the other girls shares my wonderment and comments, “If Melissa busted her breast implant playing hockey, then she got ‘em done in Tijuana because $300 boob jobs pop for not reason, OK?” Amen and preach that shit, sister. Now, make sure you use the handrail when you’re on the stairs. Lord knows if it can happen to her then all you ROL girls are at risk.

After the challenge the losing girls return to their buses, while the winning team gets their date. The girls on the blue bus are welcomed on their bus by a foul smell that they immediately attribute to Brit-the-stalker. Upon further investigation of her bunk, they find two possible sources for the stench. First, this freak is stashing food in her bunk…but that’s the least of this bitch’s trespasses. She also took the socks that all the girls were wearing during the challenge and stashed them in her bunk.

I mean, as Farrah would say, “son of a biscuit eating bulldog! what-the-effing-french?”  This bitch is fudging crazy and every one of these girls will probably be dead within a year, I Know What You Did Last Summer-style.

Meanwhile, out on the date shit’s less creepy but no less crazy. Bret has taken the women to the only place they could all be comfortable together, the strip club. This goes over like apple pie and ice cream for everyone but Beverley, which surprises me ’cause with each passing episode I am becoming more and more convinced that she’s a closet lesbian nom-nomming on all the hags while Bret tries to get to know them. Nonetheless, they finally talk her up onto the stage with all the other girls where she stands like she’s one of the bouncers. This prompts Bret to pull her aside and ask why he ain’t seen half her ass yet. Bev explains she’s can’t be like that cause she’s got (3) fuck trophies back home. Bret labels her a buzzkill and we move on.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel the other girls are calling Brit-the-stalker out on her sock stealing ways. She claims not to have stolen them, rather, she asked the rink if she could have them and they told her yes, so there. Never an explanation as to why, but I know- ’cause that’s the kind of shit that Crazy does….DUH. Meanwhile, in another room busted-boobie Melissa is on her cell phone talking shit about Bret’s hair plugs to her boyfriend. As predictable as tossing gasoline on an open flame, the other girls run to Bret like this is the most important message delivered since Paul Revere made his historic ride.

And then we’re at elimination. Is it just me or did it seem like a rather rough cut to elimination? I mean, I had been drinking, but it just seemed rather sudden.

At elimination Bret offers the girls a chance to get anything that may be resting on their twin orbs off and Farrah calls out the leaky-tittied-one. She’s like, “leaky tit is a lying hoe” and leaky tits is like, “So are you” and Bret’s like, “Bitch, I got the best European hair extensions money can buy, now get the fuck out and clean up your leaky tit behind you.” This brings much cheering and jubilation from the other girls. Ah, but eliminations are not quite done. Oh no, one more needs to go. Seems Brit’s sock stealing was the final nail in her coffin and he eliminates her as well. Much reminiscent of when Megan got eliminated, Brit just stands there. Even as Bret and Big John walk out of the theater, she’s just standing there.

I’m telling you now, the entire cast better watch their backs for the next few months cause dat bitch is crazy.

Here is some music inspired by last weeks episode:

To Brit-Brit’s Sockgate: Richard Cheese – Been Caught Stealin’
Inspired by the “date”: Richard Cheese – Girls, Girls, Girls
Inspired by a Richard Cheese trifecta: Richard Cheese – Are You Gonna Be My Girl

Inspired by the elimination of leaky-tit: Extreme – Get The Funk Out

ROCK OF LOVE 3: FAKE LIPS, FAKE TITS & FAKE BRIDES OH MY EDITION

I dunno why, but episode 2 is always the hardest to write about. It also tends to prove to be one of the less entertaining episodes of the season. This week no shots were thrown on anyone and no shots were taken out of anyone, but there were plenty of tears and even a racial blast. All in all, the episode would have been satisfying enough had it not been followed by the mecca of trash entertainment, Tool Academy. Did any of you see that? I’m gonna start live twittering about it this week on my twitter account. Anyhow, on with the hoe show:

This week’s challenge was for the girls to remember who or what they did the night before…I kid, I kid. That’s an impossible challenge for this crew of tequila and peroxide. No, this week’s challenge was to write fake wedding vows for the fake wedding to the fake-haired bandanna-wearing “rock star” that’s awaiting them some 2 hours down the road. Out come the crayolas and the elementary school writing paper while the girls struggle through some stripper haiku. Upon arriving at the church the girls are told to head to the back where Bret has some wardrobe accessories for them, which is exactly what you’d expect….whore-bride costumes for all! HOORAY!

First up for the fake (and really, in the rock and roll world, aren’t they all?) nuptials is Brittaney and we learn that Brit-Brit ain’t got no problem with writing…matter of fact, her vows come in at a whopping 5 pages. Five pages of creepy stalker type shit…we’re talking Sarah McLachlan – Possession creepy. Real quick you get the feeling that Brittaney’s probably rubbed a few out to the Bret-Pam sex tape. Creepy, like you get the feeling Brit might drop a, “You know, I really didn’t like your last girlfriend very much. And her apartment, what was with that carpet?” style line at any moment. Creepy, like get your rabbit-boiling porn star ass off my reality show.

Aside from that we saw a girl give Bret a blow-up doll so “she could always be with him”, the Penthouse centerfold gave him a framed copy of her centerfold (who didn’t see that coming?), there was a belly dance and then the gift from my current fave, Beverly. Beverly’s not playing the “tart-up and tease the cock” game. She comes out in a motocross jersey which she takes off and gives to him thereby displaying her naked….t-shirt…yup, she’s in a t-shirt. Interesting angle, Beverly. I’m rooting for you, but I think this play gets you eliminated in the end. AND OH YEAH! One girl gave him her clit ring and told him he could find out where it goes later (I’m guessing he took it out the night before).

Winners are: Penthouse Pet, Clit Piercing Girl and the girl that offered up the A2M. All of this crushes Brit the stalker and she goes into a fit of tearful rage.

Later that night at “the reception”, the Brazilian gets drunk and decides to give Bret a lap dance and, like piranhas to meat, the rest of the girls follow suit. Just when Bret seems to really be getting into it, Brit-Brit decides to play her hand. She comes out in a bikini and proceeds to give Bret the least sexy lap dance in history. Srsly, Larry the freaking Cable Guy gnawing a barbecue rib and drunkenly slurring “get-er-duns” while Amy Winehouse’s scabby ass worked him over would be more sexy. This whole event did lead to the quote of the season so far. In an edited scene Ashley says, “I didn’t even know they made bikinis in size fat fuck!”

O No She Dinnit.
O yes she dids.

Having all the sexy sucked out of party like air on Mars, Bret moves the party inside for a game of “Are you Smarter Than A Rock Star?” One of the questions is “If you have 16 groupies and three pass out, how many menage-a-trois can Bret have?” to which Bret answers, 6.5. They give him credit for the correct answer, but I’d like to point out that that Bret is 45 years old so the correct answer is 1…2 if he’s rocking the Cialis.

Bret picks his favorite 3 from the game and gives them the vaunted VIP pass. Stalker, not being one of the chosen ones, continues down her mental collapse, crying some more and telling the black girl that the only reason she got a VIP pass is because she was black. This gets the expected results from everyone and Brit, off-camera, wonders why everyone thinks she’s a racist. She even informs us that “her grandfather is black”…whatever, I’ve never seen her in any of the Big Black Dicks in Tight White Chicks series, so her racism is obvious as far as I’m concerned.

Elimination comes and the porn star/racist/stalker somehow survives a freaking three prostitute elimination.
HUH?
I’m telling you…they keep her around too long and she’s gonna chop off Bret’s johnson.
Yeah and maybe she stomp on it and squoosh it, Lebowski Michaels.

Here is some music inspired from this weeks episode:

In the spirit of the wedding: Billy Idol – White Wedding
To Brit the Stalker: Sarah McLachlan – Possession
To Brit the racist: Body Count – KKK Bitch
I dunno, it just seems to fit: Nashville Pussy – Blowjob From A Rattlesnake

ROCK OF LOVE 3: ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? EDITION

So. I know I had started recapping the Rock of Love Charm School and abruptly quit. Truth is, it was so dreadfully dull I just stopped watching it. Seems the only interesting thing that happened was at the reunion when Sharon kicked Megan’s ass. But you didn’t think a shitty Charm School season was gonna put the kibosh on my ROL recaps did you?

No way.
No way in hell.

Seems Dodge over on My Old Kentucky Blog has decided to recap the show as well and at first I was a little bummed, but then I decided I wasn’t gonna worry about it…I mean, I’ve been doing this since Season 1, Episode 1 so I welcome his voice to the cesspool that is Rock of Love. I’d hope he’ll add an air of legitimacy to ROL, but you know what they say about wrestling with pigs don’t you…you end up muddy and the pig just has a good time.

You can tell VH1 has finally realized what they had with ROL and have let the show become the caricature it’s always been trying to be. Take a gaggle of women who find self-worth in their Jerry Springerness, put them in the exceptionally close quarters of a tour bus, add all the free liquor you can drink and ROLL FILM!

Results are the obvious. Some Brazilian whore dumps a glass of something on some run of the mill whore’s head, sluts crying like the last dick in the dickhouse just went limp and the obligatory skank puking up the morning man chowder.

I mean, seriously, these girls are gonna be must see TV. A combined IQ lower than the combined cc’s of silicone in their circus tittes. Some of these skanks have duck lips that make Daisy’s look downright waspy. There are at least 3 girls that you’d happily choose Angelique over, and most of them you’d take your Mom to meet Heather on the pole before taking home.  And for now, we’ll stop short of mentioning the horrific display’s of hair style and color….for now.

It’s gonna be a great season.

Episode 1 is the typical “meet the whores” gimmick and to be honest, I’m no more able to remember a single name than I am able to remember the stage name of the stripper I got a lap dance from last week. We met the girls, the girls spent the better part of an hour confirming they have the skankiness required to be on ROL and then 5 were sent home…one so drunk she was swaying and stumbling on the line-up.

ROL is back bitches! Watch with me and look for regular updates on Fridays. Lemme know your thoughts.

Songs inspired by this weeks episode:

Poison – Nothing But A Good Time
Poison – Love on the Rocks
Buckcherry – Crazy Bitch
Jane’s Addiction – Whores

ROCK OF LOVE: CHARM SCHOOL: BITCH PUT DOWN THE DRINK EDITION!

Okay. I asked if people were interested in me doing these and then never actually started. I have a decent excuse…I promise. See, my in-laws came in from Honduras and we weren’t watching the show…but! we were recording them and over the weekend I got caught up and I’m ready to start writing about this collection of skanks in earnest now.

When I woke up this morning I knew someone had mentioned the Brandi twins and their porn careers on the latest Charm School edition. You depraved fuckers had quadrupled the amount of traffic I would normally have by 7:30 in the morning….all Googling for their pron tapes. To that I gotta ask; Are you fucking serious? Do you really wanna see some dude’s spooge running down Brandi M.’s face before you’ve had your morning coffee? Do you really wanna see Brandi C.’s cobbled up axe wound before breakfast?

No, you don’t…I’ve seen ’em both…it was horrible. Now, if Jessica wants to pose topless..then we’re onto something.

The commandment on this week’s episode was “Thou Shalt Rock Thy Body”. You can imagine the disappointment when a house full of whores, strippers and porn queens learned that “rocking thy body” had nothing to do with bodily fluids.

The girls go out to the courtyard to see a collection of booths featuring top shelf whiskey, tequila, cigars, cheese and wine. The girls get to cycle around to each booth trying the wares while the attendants try desperately to explain how to enjoy the items. This really reminded me of my dog. See, I can be eating something so delicious, so decadent and I’ll (as I’m often wont to do) give some to the dog…only, she doesn’t even chew it. One swallow, it’s gone. That’s the way these girls are with the booze. Top shelf whiskey slammed like it’s Old Crow or something. I’d venture that some of the bottles of wine cost more than these hags’ rent, while their only basis for comparison is Boones Farm Strawberry wine. Dallas eventually bores with the wine and cheese offerings and starts to make a run at the local sausage selection (sorry babe, The Pick-Up Artist comes on in the next hour).

After the tasting the girls are found eating lunch poolside while the disgusting waste of semen, Lacie, talks about her militant animal rights beliefs. Nothing, she says, is better than anything else. She couldn’t kill and eat animals so she doesn’t think others should either, she says. All of this self-righteous preaching takes place while she’s eating salmon and caviar. HOORAY HYPOCRISY! Dallas calls her out on this little fact and Lacie tries to justify it all, I’m sure, by explaining that fish aren’t animals…they’re, I dunno, self-aware vegetables or something, but Dallas won’t listen and won’t let Lacie get a word in edgewise. This desperate need for Lacie to be on TV moves into Dallas’ bedroom where Lacie drags her skanky ass up into Dallas’ bed. This doesn’t get the reaction Lacie wanted, so she hops down and she gets up in Dallas’ face. Again, not getting the reaction she wants she throws a temper tantrum and ‘spills’ a drink on Dallas. With any luck, Lacie will get pummeled by Dallas at the reunion show.

The second part of this episode’s challenge was that the girls had to make a PSA about the dangers of drinking. The porn stars ended up together on a team and drew the theme of “drinking makes girls easy”. Really? You expect us to believe this was random? Pron starlets on the same team…making a PSA about drinking and slutting it up? Complete with male blowup dolls and a camera? Really? Random? Bullshit says I. Well, the results were pretty much as expected, complete with a BJ scene (hey! her nickname was Blowjob Brandi!). The best thing about this particular PSA was that I’d never seen a woman get spanked by a male blowup doll before….and now I’ll likely never be able to type that sentence again for the rest of this life.

The team of Destiney and Jessica drew the “booze fucks your body up” PSA. They went with the entirely tame horror movie-esque medical patient hooked to IV’s walking down a hallway (where’s a strobe light when you need it?) telling you the dangers of excessive drinking. Their PSA ended with the worst death scene since Paris Hilton in that shitty movie she did where she died.

Now, another one that I just can not believe was random. Joker-faced Lacie and Dallas end up on the same team. This went about as smoothly as a Rosie O’Donnell and Bill O’Reilly sex tape would. Dallas runs off to sulk about and act like a child while Lacey continues to play the role of cuntzilla to a tee. Their end result is as bad as you’d imagine. To quote Sharon, “You could have taken a piss and it would have been more interesting.” The sheer number of toilet hidden cams in women’s restrooms suggests that she is telling the truth.

The winning team was Kristy Joe and Heather. They pulled the “boozing will fuck up your unborn baby” PSA. Provided you ignore the “fuck up your unborn baby” portion of the PSA, theirs was fucking brilliant. Heather put on a pregnancy suit, lit up her trusty cigarette and played like Britney Spears while KJ was the TMZ cameraman. They did a magnificent job and Heather’s portrayal of Britney was spot on. Heather and Britney…what do you think the degree of separation is there? I bet it wouldn’t take a Kevin Bacon game to connect them.

Elimination comes and predictably enough Dallas loseWeight Exercises her pin while Joker-Face feigns remorse.

Here is some “topical” music. See y’all next week.

Britney Spears – Gimme More
Corey Branan & Ben Nichols – White Trash Girl
Everlast – White Trash Beautiful

ROCK OF LOVE: CHARM SCHOOL EDITION

Well. Charm School season 2 features our favorite silicone enhanced trailer park queens from Rock of Love. Here’s the cast: Brandi C., Brandi M., Dallas, Destiney, Heather, Inna, Jessica K., Kristy Joe, Lacey, Megan, Rodeo, Angelique, Courtney and Raven.

Episode one was basically skanks meeting their fellow skanks and us (the viewer) being reintroduced to just who these hoes were. The highlight was Dallas busting an apple upside Lacey’s head. The casting was obviously to get all the people who hate one another under one roof and see what happens. By the previews it looks like a bomb is gonna go off.

So, the question is: Should I start doing recaps with Episode 2?

ROCK OF LOVE 2: HEATHER BRINGS THE ROCK, BRETT BRINGS THE EXES EDITION

Well, Well, Well. Will you lookee there. Heather shows up and it’s like Emeril, BAM! It’s up a notch. Vodka is consumed until it is running out of Daisy’s eyes, innocent Jessica finds her inner drunken sorority slut, and all is right in Rock of Love land. Thank you Heather. Thank you and your party girl/stripper tractor beam. Hell, I bet if I spent 30 minutes in the same room with you, I’d be playing hide the peen and make a man-pussy.

Let’s proceed.

It’s exes week in the house! Let’s see what kind of douche-baggery we’ll have walk through the door, shall we? First up is Destiney’s ex-husband, Adam, dressed like he’s Mr. Rogers heading out for a Saturday morning on the golf course. Next comes Jessica’s ex-boyfriend Casey who is painfully plain. Third is Megan’s ex-boyfriend some dude named Josh who used to use her as his booty call. Lemme explain this quickly by quoting Megan: “A year ago, we kind of dated for six months and I wanted him to be my boyfriend and he had another girlfriend that he didn’t want to leave for me.” A playmate as an on-call fuck…My Man. Josh is a fucking pimp, so in his case I rescind the douche bag label. Next up is Ambre’s…best-friend? Talk about getting saved by the bell. Turns out none of Ambre’s exes wanted to come on VH1 and talk shit about their ex. I see this as a +1 for Ambre. And rounding out this parade is the king douche…the…the douche nozzle if you will, Daisy’s ex-boyfriend/ex-bandmate/CURRENT ROOMATE, Charles, looking like he’s stuck somewhere between K-Fed, V is for Vendetta guy, and Hot Topic assistant manager. Saving the best surprise for last for last, however, Bret introduces an ex of his own, the aforementioned Heather, and it’s on. Girls stay home with Heather, while Bret takes the fellas out for a little talk.

The boys have barely loaded up in the Iraq war-loving stretch Hummer before Heather has the girls in their bras doing body shots off one another. Again; thank you Heather. It’s the awesome concentrate mixed with booze, boobs and sexual energy that this season has totally been missing. Booze flows like it’s free, and Heather starts getting the girls to dish dirt on one another, as articles of clothing just keep falling off ’til we have a bikini-clad truth or dare that results in a nakedDestiney doing cartwheels across the back lawn…Have I thanked Heather for coming back yet?

Meanwhile, the fellas are having a horribly uncomfortable roundtable chat at some cigar bar. Seeing this as the ratings killer it is, Bret pulls the plug and takes the guys to a restaurant/game room/bar…you know, a guys’ place, but things don’t really get any better. Through the guys’ day, all we really learn is the my man Josh thinks Megan is a gold digger, and there is some foreshadowing that perhaps there’s more to the Destiny/Charles story than has been told.

Meanwhile. Back at Circus Circus…

Daisy and Jessica are in wasted little girls phase 3 and the vodka tears are flowing. Jessica is crying to Heather because everyone thinks she’s too young and too innocent. Her plan to prove them wrong…binge drinking. Then ablearly , smeary-mascara-eyed Daisy proceeds to inform Heather that she is still living with her boyfriend in a one bedroom apartment ,but that they have no physical relationship.Riiiiiiiiiiight . It’s that Clinton definition of sex: Oral sex isn’t sex, sex with condoms doesn’t count ’cause there’s no skin on skin, and anal doesn’t count cause you can’t get pregnant from it. OK, then. Next thing you know, Jessica has skipped drunk stages 4,5 and 6 and has gone straight to the puking and can’t walk stage. FTR ladies, this is where the whole gray-area in “no means no” comes into play…I kid, I kid…nonetheless, homegirl is a hot fucking mess…no bra, puke breath and legs that have ceased to function…One more time for the cheap seats, thank you Heather!

Time for elimination and a still drunk Jessica gets her ass outta bed, slams some makeup on her grill and makes it down….atta girl. The end of elimination is like deja-vu all over again, except this time there’s no Kristy Joe to save Megan. Bret tells Megan her time’s up and……………..aaaannnnddd…….um……..NOTHING!….She stands there for literally a minute and a half in TV time, so who knows how much longer she was really there, just half shaking her head and saying nothing, just mouthing “No, No, No.” I guess she was hoping her playmate pussy power would make him change his mind or something, but it just wasn’t in the cards for her. Bret walks her out and returns to tell the girls that they’regoin’ to Vegas, Baybee, and that my girl Heather was coming along to help him weed out the remaining girls.

I’m calling my shot now. I predict a Bret and Heather hookup. I know that’s like predicting that every time Georgieporgie-dummy-Bush’s monkey head shows up on the news he’ll be saying something stupid, but I figured if I didn’t say anything and then dropped a “I knew it!” when it happened, it would seem less genuine. So I’mcallin’ it.

Three Cheers To Heather!

Songs inspired from this weeks episode:

To my man Josh: Blackstreet – Booty Call
To Megan: Julie Brown – Earth Girls are Easy
To Drunk Jessica: Cyndi Lauper – Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
To Heather: Poison – Nothing But A Good Time

America’s Best Dance Crew:


On the reality TV tip I wanna drop a congrats on JabbaWockeeZ for winning America’s Best Dance Crew last night. Easily the best and most consistent crew through out the show. If you know what I’m talking about then I think you’ll agree. If you have no idea what I am talking about: It was a dance contest taking place on MTV featuring different dance crews from across America andJabbaWockeeZ won the finale last night. I’ve attached a video of one of their performances below:

This song goes out to JabbaWockeeZ: Freestylers – Don’t Stop

ROCK OF LOVE 2: OH NO KRISTY JOE EDITION

Week in and week out I find myself in utter amazement of the complete lack of intelligence this house of strippers and silicone displays. Sometimes I try and give them the benefit of the doubt, thinking it must be editing, they can’t really be this dumb…but they are. Is it just me, or does Meagan have a perpetual look of confusion on her face? She is blank. She better pull a Heather Mills, cause once her titties sag, she’s got nothing for anyone. She and Daisy couldn’t hold a stimulating conversation with my dog and it angers me. This week, I realized I hate these girls…they have ruined season 2.

C%*nts.

This week started off with Bret jumping in his Lamborghini and riding off into the sunset in search of intelligent female life while KJ calls up her hubby and informs him of the divorce she told Bret about back in episode 2. This leads to the first of the weekly KJ freak-outs.

Bret returns to the house just in time to tell the girls that their challenge for this week is to make videos worse than the two songs he has picked out, with the leading of the winning team getting a solo date and the other whores getting a group date. Teams are KJ, Megan and Ambre (leader) versus Daisy, Not as hot KJ (leader) and Jessica. Team Ambre draws the ballad while Team Not As Hot As KJ gets the rocker.

Team Ambre uses their team’s natural talents. Ambre films as KJ lies down on a bed and cries with Megan straddling her looking confused. Then KJ mopes around while Megan picks up a telephone and looks confused. Team Not as hot KJ goes the stripper route, complete with poles, finger sucking, fake tits and Daisy’s duck lips. Both videos suck big time, but neither are as bad as the song they are representing. Team Ambre wins based solely on the fact that is was a coherent piece from beginning to end, in lieu of the piss-poor Myspace-quality-esque hyper-spliced P.O.S. Team Not as hot as KJ gave us.

Ambre’s solo date consisted of a Bollywood version of a hippy talking about mad mountains and past lives in Bret’s room while KJ pounded on the door. Bret answers and is all “stop cock blocking, bitch” while KJ’s like, “I need to talk to you while I cry” and Bret’s totally like “get da fuck outta here”. So KJ runs upstairs to cry. Seeing his opportunity, Bret sends the Indian-Shaman guy thing off to harass KJ, leaving him and Ambre alone in his bedroom. Faces are sucked.

Ambre’s date ends and KJ’s in Bret’s room 5 minutes later to tell him that she’s decided that she’s really gonna get that divorce she told him she already was getting. Bret’s a little pissed. KJ’s drops an “I love you” which is met with radio silence. KJ is confused. I guess in playmate land, lying about a divorce falls into little white lie land. While all this KJ action is unfolding behind a closed door, Daisy, Destiny and Jessica are perched at the bottom of the stairs taking turns breaking down.

Group date is Bret, Megan and KJ. It basically consisted of Megan finally showing off her talents while KJ went away to sulk. Now I ain’t gonna lie, so long as Megan is straddling you and making out, life would be awesome with a capital schwing…the problem would be if she talked. More tonsil hockey, less trying to formulate words into sentences.

Elimination comes and we get down to Megan and KJ being the only two without a pass. Bret calls KJ down and asks her if she wants to stay. After one last cry she says she can’t…cause…you know…she has that pesky husband thing and all back in Indiana. Bret breaks rank and walks her out. After some on camera face suckage and some off camera who knows what suckage, Bret returns to address Megan, who was probably getting kicked outta the house 10 minutes ago. He basically says, “I’m heartbroken and I ain’t gotta pass for you, but I guess you get to stay. kthnkbye.”

Meagan looks confused.

Heather returns next week. Let’s hope to high heavens ROL goes Flava of Love and Heather gets to stay for real.

The Rose: She’s a Playmate
The Thorn: She’s Fucking Crazy
Poison – Every Rose Has It’s Thorn

Bret was heartbroken: Poison – I Won’t Forget You
Next Week Is Coming Anyway: Poison – Life Goes On
Dear Megan, Destiny & Daisy: I hate you

Rock of Love: Where's the Freaking Drama Edition…

I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I was prepared to just abandon the Rock of Love recaps altogether, but then I got an email from a reader this week who said he really enjoys them. That filled my tank up a little, but I’m just not sure how far it’ll get me.

Why, you ask. Why would I abandon the only 9b regular piece that I’ve kept up with?

Basically because this season has been a freaking bore. Where’s the drama? Daisy and KJ banging of Brett and a disfigured Frenchy’s insistence on nudity. That’s been it, and I’m sorry, but in the age of tubgirl and 2girls1cup, groupie sex and an ugly girl with circus titties and an accent just doesn’t go as far as it used to. Last season had strong characters like Lacey, Heather and Jes. What do we have this season? A married bipolar playmate in KJ, Megan who is, quite possibly, the least intelligent/most superficial person I have ever witnessed, and, like, we totally got Daisy, OMGosh. In other words…this season has got crap. I want some drama, but I am afraid that outside of Destiny grudge-fisting KJ in the next few episodes, nothing will save this season.

Is anyone else as disappointed with this season as I am?

With that said, here’s the recap:

Two mummies..umm…former strippers…err…older U.S.O. performers (since 1956) meet the girls and we learn that the challenge will be doing a USO-ish performance for some Vets down at the local V.F.W….or something. Since these girls’ only real talents involve poles, oral play and keeping plastic surgeons in Ferarris, the acts suck as much as you would imagine. The highlight of the show is when Inna and Destiney acknowledge they are a scorpion and bust out with a totally tasteless stripper act..complete with stripper style ass slapping, and the only surprising thing about that was that they were the only one’s to do it. The only other surprise in this episode was that Kristy Joe didn’t cry, with the only whining of note in this episode being Daisy’s pitiful rendition of the National Anthem. Anyone who hadn’t made it over to her myspace music site to check out her ‘talent’ yet got to see how shitty a singer she is. Seriously, who do think has less musical talent….Lacey or Daisy? Head over and check them both out. I’ll wait right here.

In an effort to create some drama, Bret sat the girls down for dinner and asked them who they thought was there for the wrong reasons. Fantastic, this should really heat things up, right? Wrong. Outside of some KJ versus Not as Hot KJ (Destiny) screaming, this resulted in nothing…and we, the viewers, suffered again.

There were dates. Yep, they were boring. At the end, Inna got eliminated.

Bret, ROL Girls, VH1: Step it the fuck up.

Pink – Get This Party Started
Beastie Boys – Time To Get Ill
Murder City Devils – I Want A Lot Now (So Come On)