ROCK OF LOVE 3: MEET THE TITTIES EDITION

This week’s episode opens with somber news. In the dark of night, Maria has been forced to leave the show due to “medical complications”…which is Rock of Love speak for a herp outbreak. Maria should have just snorted some valtrex and owned it like Katie Holmes. Nonetheless, Big John informs the girls that they are heading out to the next destination while Bret stays behind and pays Maria a visit.

Bret tells the girls he’ll meet up with them in Chicago and that they should “dress to impress”, which is Rock of Love for “put the skank on 11.” The girls meet this challenge head on and do not disappoint when they arrive at the venue looking like a walking Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog. Highlights of the outfits include Tequila wearing a black veil and blurred out tits, Taya in a trashtastic patent leather french maid type hot pants outfit and what’s left of the blondetourage wearing essentially matching outfits.

Today’s challenge is the roadie challenge, which essentially boils down to the girls dividing into 2 teams and disassembling and loading up 2 stages. The girls divide into teams by drawing colored guitar pics out of a hat. During the process Tequila draws a pic unlike the rest….hmmmm….what ever could this mean? Turns out, there are an odd amount of girls and the one drawing the odd pic gets an automatic win. This goes over like celibacy with the other girls.

The girls go to work breaking down the stages and one thing quickly makes itself apparent, Taya’s tittie is used to being her main attraction and is tiring of missing all this camera time. Taking matters into their own mammaries, Taya’s tit just jumps on out, queueing the censors and forcing the VH1 tit blurring dude to work overtime. Taya, while distracted by her left tit cameo, steps right off the stage.

Mayday! Mayday! Penthouse Pet down!

Not to worry, though. Taya’s gone down harder on lesser stages and she’s back on the stage within seconds. Even though she’s still working, it becomes obvious that the fall has left Taya with a not so fresh feeling and Taya’s tears prompt an outpouring of emotions from Farrah who rounds the corner and tells Taya to “shut up and keep working”. This tough love technique is not enough, though, ’cause the other team wins. By winning, the team will get the VIP treatment and an onstage view of Bret’s show that night. The loseWeight Exercisers? Well, they get what was probably their average Sunday afternoon prior to coming on the show….a white trash picnic in the bus parking area.

At the show the winning team has a stage right view while the loseWeight Exercisers have a fine place in the nosebleeds where, due to the sheer lack of people who actually care about Bret sans CC and Co., they are within easy view of Bret. The music starts and like bacon grease popping in a frying pan the stage right girls are all doing their ‘white trash in the club’ shimmy and shake when, lo and behold, the least surprising thing ever happens…another titty does it’s own Janet Jackson impression. At some point during the show, Tequila decides to take a bracelet that Bret had given her and give it to a group of thirty-somethings in the front row singing Bret’s songs. This goes over like wearing underwear with the other girls.

On the way to the after-party I guess Brittanya was feeling left out, ’cause the big black box where her tits should be suggests that hers had caught up with this week’s meet the tits subplot. Once at the after-party the girls start drinking like….well….just like they did yesterday. And the day before. And the day before. And…well, you get the point. But really, they ramp up their booze intake on this particular night…to the point where Ashley pukes in a hotel lobby trash can and Ms. “I can’t act like a ho cause I’m 22 and gots 4 kids” makes out with Bret’s drummer. Well, she kisses the drummer, but in the world of instant hyperbole that is Rock of Love she may as well have blown him on top of the bar.

The next morning finds our lovely harlots surveying the damage. Taya feels like she did after prom night with the field hockey team from her solo stage dive, and Bev-“I can’t act like a hoe cause I’m 22 and gots 4 kids”-erley has her ‘tongue mamba with the drummer’ memory lapse filled in for her.

At elimination Bret whittles the possible loseWeight Exercisers down to Marcia, Beverly and Mindy and tells Big John he can take the final two passes and head out, leaving us to believe that all three of these hags are heading home. Instead, Bret verbally disciplines Beverly for making out with his band and Mindy for not enjoying his crappy show and sends them off to the bus, leaving only Tequila. Seems Bret finally figured out that Marcia was only here for the free booze and her ride ended there.

Bummer.

This weeks music selection is dedicated to all the wardrobe malfunctions:

Bob Log III – Boob Scotch
Bob Log III – Clap Your Tits
Leena Alexandra – My Boobs Are OK
Joe Walsh – I.L.B.T.’S
Hank Williams Jr. – Big Top Women
Scissor Sisters – Tits On The Radio
Sir Mix-A-Lot – Put ‘Em On The Glass
Holy Modal Rounders – Boobs-A-Lot