Here we are. We all knew it was gonna come to this, but we’ve all tried to ignore the inevitable. The Rock of Love finale. No more of the best women America’s trailer parks have to offer, embarrassing and demeaning themselves on Sunday mornings for our entertainment. All that’s left now is the reunion special followed by Hustler spreads, sex tapes and waiting to see which girls will be on Charm School Season 2.
*sigh* Okay, let’s get down to business…
In this corner, we have the uber-cute and funny Jes…the classiest hooker R.O.L. had to offer. In the other, we have Heather….the aging stripper who morphed into more of a man with each passing episode. She parties hard, makes out with women, is constantly topless and all-in-all, the perfect girl for Bret. This will be a three round, winner takes all catfight for the ages. Now, let’s head out to Cabo San Lucas (Mexico for those of you who are geographically challenged and too cash strapped to think of any vacation that takes you out of your state), and see who gets their man.
The two contestants and our Romeo in a Bandanna arrive in Cabo to be greeted by a troop of Mexican strippers shaking their money makers, and Heather jumps right in to compare pelvic thrusts and tittie bounces. This troubles Bret ::wink wink knudge knudge::. Then the “ladies” run off to their staging room to prepare for dinner, and for one, a night of hot Bret love.
You could have kept wine cool with the stares being shot across the table at dinner. Icy stares elevated to snarky comments which elevated to a stripper whore accusation which was countered with a ‘too young to really know how to work the helmet’ jab. After last episode’s dinner with the parents, I imagine Bret was wondering what he had to do to have a nice dinner with a couple of whores…Bret, here’s a hint, turn off the cameras and give ’em a wad of cash…at least, that’s how the common man buys his sex. Heather channels the power of the neck tat, and whattaya know….via Bretmail, Heather is deemed the winner of round 1 and gets the first date with Bret. Jes is relegated to sloppy seconds, but at least she doesn’t have to go through the whole laser removal thing.
I think the dates were telling. I mean, he takes Heather out to ride dune buggies….he takes Jes out on a yacht. A little insight into what Bret really thinks about these two?
Bret takes Heather on the sandiest date ever. First, as I said, they go out riding dune buggies, during which Bret starts to get sick due to his diabetes. He tells Heather he is feeling poorly and wants to eat, and she replies, “I wanna drive it.” Ain’t that just like a fuckin’ bitch, always wanting to drive the wrong things at the wrong damn time. She proceeds to see if she can give Bret a little sea sickness to accompany the insulin shock. Finally, Bret convinces her to stop and they run off to the beach for a picnic….told you it was a sandy date. Food is followed by tongues in mouths and dinner later that night. On her way to dinner, Jes tells Heather her dress screams stripper (you expected something else?) and that she’ll (Heather) never be anything more than a fuck buddy to Bret. Over dinner, Bret tells her he has bonded with her on a party level but he’s not sure if he has/can connect on an emotional level. This is a conversation us normal people have with our….i dunno….fuck buddy? Heather takes all this in, tells him she loves him, and promptly runs off to fuck him. Damn Jes and her clarity!
The next morning, still aglow, Heather puts her inner stripper on blast and asks Jes if she can still smell Bret on her. Then, as Jes is running off for her date, Heather reminds her that “When you kiss him, youll be licking me” and Sloppy seconds, baby! (actual quotes). Jes, unfazed, plants THE kiss of the whole series on Bret, and they’re off for an afternoon of Jes in a bikini on a yacht. <horribly over-used Borat accent>Very Nice!</horribly over used Borat accent>. Nothing to report here, I am gonna guess that there was very little that could be used on television that came out of the afternoon. Flash forward to dinner, and it’s attack of the diabetes, round two. This time it must be worse, because Bret goes through the explanation of what to do should he go into insulin shock, to which Jes plays her trump card and cries. Game, Set, Match! Game Over! The remainder of this show is only there for the advertisers…the contest is over. After dinner, they head up to Bret’s room and we see a blurry spot where Jes’ naked ass is supposed to be, as they cut to commercial.
Do you think the bandanna stays on during sex?
By now, everyone knows Jes won. If you didn’t, well, you do now. Heather even came out in her biggest hair yet, but it wasn’t enough to overcome simple physics…you do not make commitments to fuck buddies….not even ‘bullshit, for the cameras on reality tv’ commitments. Upon the announcement that Jes was gonna be the winner, Heather and both stories of her hair stormed off. It was probably at this moment she realized what a colossal mistake the tattoo was. In the afterdump interview, she cusses Brett up one side and down the other…all the while, a family of illegal immigrants was moving into her hairdo.
That’s it folks. The Rock of Love saga comes to an end….almost, we still he the reunion special! See you next week. Till then, here are this weeks songs:
To Heather: Aerosmith – Dude Looks Like a Lady
To Heather’s “you’ll be licking me” speech: Poison – Talk Dirty To Me
To Jes and her sloppy seconds: Poison – Nothing But A Good Time
And one last time for nostalgia: Poison – Every Rose Has It’s Thorn
And to watching a balding old man land a hot 23 year old: Poison – Something to Believe In