This week’s Rock of Love wasn’t quite the awe-inspiring hour that the first one was. It also should be noted that I was not drunk during this week’s episode. I guess that the two sorta go hand in hand. Just one week in and I was already having a hard time finding the inspiration to continue this series, so I made myself a drink. Magically, inspiration soon followed, and drinking seems as good a place as any to start this week’s summary.

Nothing says noon like a cocktail…or eight, and these girls keep proving that you can gussy up a turd with bleach blond hair and huge titties, but it’s still gonna smell like shit. I once heard an old adage that that the best way to tell if you caught the killer was to lock up your suspects. The innocent ones won’t sleep a wink, but the guilty fella will sleep like a baby cause it just doesn’t matter for him anymore. A stripper pole in a room with more CC’s of silicone than points of IQ has much the same effect at helping to identify the whores. So, at noon thirty with a gaggle of drunk hags and a stripper pole, it should not have surprised to anyone when the tops fell off and lesbian body shots started. Obviously. You had the obligatory girls french-kissing. Of course. And you get the group of girls that, while on a show trying to fuck Bret-freaking-Michaels, are gonna sit outside and talk trash about the whores inside. Naturally.

And now we see the natural separation of the female residents. On one side you have the group that fully embraces their whore-ness. They like to call themselves the A-Team. The Varsity Squad. On the other side you have the other group of girls, that while on a show trying to fuck Bret-freaking-Michaels, are considered the prudes. Whatever. In the end they’re all gonna end up pregnant in a trailer anyway. This separation has also began to show signs of entertainment with Lucy throwing Jes in the pool and Heather going to Brett in an effort to get Clown-titties (Erin) tossed outta the house.

Then there was the ‘challenge’ I named this piece for. The “Who can make Brett the hardest via phone sex” challenge. I should have been drunk for this. How could they tell the winner you ask? They had a device to measure blood flow in the cock artery, or course! Yeah, this was the train wreck you watch garbage like this for. Predictably some of this girls were grizzled vets at the phone sexeration, while others stumbled through like a 16 year old in backseat of their moms car.

Finally, this week saw the departure of Tiffany. I was really hoping the producers would keep her around for a few more weeks, but I guess with the uber-whores versus the not quite as uber uber-whore drama unfolding they felt they did not need the slobbering mess that is Tiffany around. So I raise this glass to you Tiffany and offer this toast, “Don’t threaten me with a good time!”. Even if her departure was anti-climatic, I am gonna dedicate these first two songs to busted ass Tiffany:

Poison - I Won’t Forget You
Poison - Nothin’ But A Good Time
And this weeks theme song: Poison - Talk Dirty To Me

Update: Turns out that, per TMZ, fresh off the taping of Rock of Love, Brandi C. took the screen name Brittany and made her bid for stardom the only way her vapid little brain knew how — shooting a porn flick! OF COURSE! You can see a totally, as in full penetration, NSFW preview of the movie over on babygotboobs.com.