I know, I know, there was no Rock of Love update last week. To put it bluntly, the Motorcross episode sucked. There was a motorcycle crash and a cat fight between Peta member Lacey (proving militants are fucking crazy) and Dallas (“They don’t put the word eat in meat for nothing, you fucking hippie”). It sounds more interesting than it was. As a result, I decided to skip the article altogether as a form of protest.

Week four was better….I guess. There were tears. Oh god, there were a lot of tears. Rodeo cried….and cried….and cried some more. By the end of the show, she honestly went from my favorite character to “jesus, just kick the nutty fucking bitch off already” status. In an hour! That is some serious crying. In between all of the crying, the girls had to write lyrics for the music of one of Brett’s solo songs and then sing it karaoke’ style. This brought more crying…from the wife and myself. There were tears of laughter and tears of pain. Mostly pain. They were all horrible. However, considering the source material, I do not suspect we could have expected much more. The two winning teams, Heather & Magdalena “The Man” and Samantha & Brandi C. got dates. Personally, I thought Jes’ team should have won, but that’s only cause I wanna see Brett get her into her under-roos…but that is another story all together.

So, Heather and Magdalena “The Man” go out that night and get plowed under (that’s drunk for those who don’t know). Way under. They proceed to come back to the house of harlots and get everyone drunk. Then it happens. Come on, we all knew it would. Honestly, I assumed it already had and they were just editing it out of the show. Really though, a hair metal (notice I did not call him a rock star) star is in a house with 25 girls who suspended their real “working the stripper pole” and “welcome to wal-mart” lives for a chance of A2M with him…it was only a matter of time. Lacey, Brandi C. and Heather spend the night in Bret’s room. A loon, a porn starlet and a stripper….overnight. This is like elementary math. The next morning all the other harlots are in full hater mode since the closest they have gotten to Brett’s dong is watching the leaked Pam An sex tape.

The next day there is the other date, and the Sam girl whines about worrying that Brett is only on the show to hook up (DUH). He tells her a few lies and she is good to go. Brandi C gets eliminated. I assume this is because once you’ve fucked one porn queen you’ve fucked them all, and outside of that she is really, really blank. And Rodeo gets whacked because she cries too much. Some tears = good TV. Constant tears = bad TV.

This week’s music inspired by the show:

To all the haters who didn’t get on the Brett Train: Violent Femmes – Kiss Off
To the three that took it in the caboose: Poison – UnSkinny Bop
To the waterworks that was Rodeo: Crystal Gale – Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue
To Lacey; Rock of Love’s New York: Faster Pussycat – You’re So Vain

…and this one I post because they make reference to it every. single. week.

Poison – Every Rose Has It’s Thorn