Rock of Love: PG13 Tour Bus Edition

Big John wakes the girls up at 6am with the loving phrase, “This is rock and roll, it ain’t rock and sleep.” To extrapolate on this one could also say:

Heather: “This is rock and roll, it ain’t rock and strip unless Jes wants to take it off. Then, we’ll make an exception. You, too, Mia, wanna get naked?”
Lacey: “This is rock and roll, it ain’t rock and be crazy and look more like a man with each passing week.”
Sam: “This ain’t rock and Leave it to Beaver honey. Rock and Roll on the Beaver, maybe. Rock and Roll on as many random beavers as possible on every given night…definitely.”

This week was the tour bus challenge episode. To be honest, I was a little disappointed at just how un-rock and roll it was. I had expectations of ‘threesome with random groupies’ skills tests and ‘how well can you get down in the tiny ass bus bathroom’ challenges spiced with a little challenge to see who has the best handi-cam skills while catching it it the pooper. None of that. Really, outside of the crotchless unitard, this was basically the sort of shit any couple with three kids would face on a family vacation. Here are the highlights though:

Super Stripper: Heather was not allowed to participate in this one due to her professional status, so, we get Mandalena and Sam. They gotta pull the Clark to Superman metamorphosis, stripper style. Go into the PORT-O-LET as a mild-mannered groupie and emerge as a full-on whore, complete with thong, crotchless stockings (obviously), stripper heels and a sleeve for a skirt. Sam wins because Magdalena can not tie her shoes correctly (sorry dude).

Dumpster Diving: The challenge is to find a guitar pick in a dumpster full of gross. The competitors are Lacey and Sam. I figured Lacey would walk away with this one, due to her dumpster diving experience. However, mad dumpster skills aside, Lacey’s kung-fu is not enough for Sam’s super-stripper superpowers. Sam gets the victory, but really, there are no loseWeight Exercisers here….except for that whole self-respect thing.

The rest of the tour bus challenge was dull. There was a ‘hook up the guitar and amp’ challenge and there was an ‘assemble these words into the chorus from “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn”‘ challenge. Brandi M. takes the victory in the end, and it’s back to the Harlot House where we learn it’s Brett’s birthday and there will be a party that night for him, and party at the rock of love house can only mean one thing. Alex, give me “drunk bitches pole dancing” for 1000. Before we get to the meat of this, lemme bitch at VH1 again….you mutha-fuckers…all anyone wants is some good ol’ Jes nudity. I know you know this, and yet, when she is in her skivvies on the pole you fail to zoom in. WTF? I do not care if she looked like Terry Schiavo having a seizure on that pole…lemme see it up close and preferably in slow motion. Fucking a-holes.

However, all is not lost. Sam decides to show she is not always an insecure whiner and that she can have a little fun, too, so, she jumps up on the pole on a really sexy outfit…well, okay, she was just wearing a pair of jeans and a tshirt. Whew. Somebody grab me some lotion and a hand towel! But seriously, outfit aside she gave it the ol’ college try. She spun, she grinded that pole like it was corn meal and she shook her ass….okay, okay…she shook the place where her ass is supposed to be….but she shook the hell outta that void. So much so that Lacey decided she need to interject herself into the scene by shoving her forked tongue into Brett’s collagen enhanced face. This proves to be too much and Sam’s “I’m cool too” act falls apart like a house of cards and she runs off crying.

Brandi and Brett go on their date. We learn Brandi’s nickname is “Blowjob Brandi”, and that explains how she got on the show and virtually guarantees her advancement to next week. Mandalena gets sent home and we are prepared for next week. A few personal observations:

  • Brett really looks like shit. Seriously dude. The only thing worse than an aging rock star is one that fights it. Look at the Stones.
  • You ain’t fooling nobody. You have male pattern baldness. It happens. Own it. This shit with the cowboy hats and bandannas is just pathetic.
  • Lacey fancies herself the white-trash New York, but New York has more crazy in her left eye than Lacey has in her entire body.
  • While on the Lacey thing: Babe you ain’t smart enough to mastermind all the shit you talk and you aren’t pretty enough to be a rock stars girlfriend….aging or not. But, you are the most compelling character on the show so I do not expect you will be going anywhere any time soon.

This weeks songs:

On her date Brandi M reveals that she is known as “Blowjob” Brandi back home. I imagine this song as Brett’s inside voice: Richard Cheese – Me So Horny
This song goes out to Sam and her pole skills: Poison Clan – Shake Whatcha’ Mamma Gave Ya’
This song could have been the soundtrack for the entire birthday party scene: DJ Assault – Ass-N-Titties
Since they found a way to mix this one into the episode….yet again…: Poison – Every Rose Has It’s Thorn
Finally, In my world, this song explains what the tour bus challenge SHOULD have been like: 2 Live Crew – Face Down Ass Up