How any times have you looked at thee girls and thought to yourself, “I bet their daddys are real proud of them.” Me? Well, the phrase ‘if I had a nickel for every time’ comes to mind. Well, this week is parents week! YAY! The loins that created these sexpots enter the ROL mansion.
First come Heather’s parents. As one would expect…pure ‘neck. A momma who does her shopping at Mervyns and a good ‘ol boy poppa from Florida. Ocala region would be my guess. They are proud as shit of their daughter…and why not? They are coming from a background where most girls are pregnant by sixteen….beaten and divorced by 20 and have three babies by three, maybe two, different daddies by 30. A fake tan with titties and hair-color to match is the Southern equivalent of success. All snarkiness aside, though, Heather really grew on me throughout this episode.
Next to arrive are Jes’ parents. A short fatty for a mom (red flag anyone?) and an oddly inappropriate dad…seriously, do all dads talk about their daughter’s tit size with their daughter’s dates? My assessment: the mom is a stay at home mom who never misses an episode of Oprah or Dr. Phil and drowns her unhappiness in primetime programming and book of the month selections. The dad works and spends his home time in the computer room rubbing one off to Suicide Girls and has probably fantasized about his daughter once or twice and drowns his unhappiness in a four-Manhattan-a-night habit. psst: hey jes, your titties are fine.
Then finally, the ones we’ve all been waiting for show! The Queen Bitch’s parents arrive. When we first meet them, they just seem like normal parents, but we do learn that Brett and Lacey’s pops met many years ago on an airplane flight. Wtf? How do people remember past last month? Ahh….but looks can be deceiving.
This episode’s game- take the girls out separately with their parents….in the order they arrived.
Bret, Heather and the ‘rents go to lunch at…and I am dead fucking serious here….the. coolest. restaurant. ever. This place had a mechanical bull in the middle and this gigantic beer bong thing at the end of each table with a tap so you can fill ‘er up till it’s empty. Seriously….if I am ever in California (god forbid), I’m going to this place. 100% ‘neck for the ‘neckiest folks in the house. Heather’s Dad tells a fart joke, Heather rides the mechanical bull (even Hellen Keller saw that coming), and they drain the beer bong. Again, maybe it’s my ‘neck-isity accompanied by my redneck upbringing, but this episode really put Heather on my good side.
For the next date, Bret, Jes and her folks head off to a “rock and roll fashion shop” for some costume play. FTR: In my opinion nothing could be less rock and roll than a “rock and roll fashion shop”…color me an elitist but seriously….there was nothing to this date…it made for poor television….but! The group did nothing to really embarrass itself.
Off to Lacey and her parents. Dinner…at a place called “Eat”…so fucking L.A. I wanna walk outside and slap a yuppie as I type the name. Nonetheless, we quickly see where Lacey gets her “entitlement” from. The dad just goes into Bret like it’s an interrogation. Unreal, the highlight being this exchange:
Brett: Is there some kinda hot sauce on those fries, or is it just my tongue thats on fire?
Asshole pops: I think its all the lies youre telling.
Think it couldn’t get any worse than that? WRONG! At one point during the dinner, Otis, Lacey’s pops, tells Bret that in order to marry his pretty princess, Bret will need to sign a pre-nup. Cause, you know, Otis is loaded. WHA? HUH? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay, outside of the fact that Bret is, you know, cheesy band or not, a very successful rock star…NEWSFLASH: Otis, your daughter is a whore….Bret ain’t gonna marry her…whores get herpes, not husbands…end of story…Otis just don’t know….tha’sall’right though….Heather ’bout to let a muthafucker know…
The plan was to have a group dinner that night. Group dinner turned into ‘if there’s a fan in this house, it’s about to have some shit on it.’ So all the way up ’til now, one thing is obvious, Lacey’s parents have no idea who she is and Lacey is totally playing the ‘I’m a pretty pretty princess’ role. So, prior to dinner, Heather pulls out all the dirt and tells her own parents everything that’s been going on in the house in preparation for the best dinner EVAR!
Dinner comes and it is the beginning of the Heather’s ‘show the other side of Lacey to her parents’ expose. The point here being that Lacey’s parents think she is a good girl who only knocks over a few beers once in a while. “Isn’t it true you knocked over 40 bottles in Vegas?” asks Heather. Lacey does not deny. My note: 40 bottles? Jeeez! Lacey’s step mother pulls the eject ribbon, but this is obviously just the start to the weekend. The next day comes around, and in typical Lacey fashion we find her doing damage control with Bret, but it looks like the bitch done lost her mojo. Oh yes. Heather is on the balcony above listening to the entire thing. Heather confronts Lacey with, “I hear you talking shit about me, you master manipulator.” Lacey drops “sweetie” a few times, which pisses Heather off even more. Heather drops a “bitch” and a “whore” Ding ding! They separate to their corners for a moment…Heather vents to her folks…Lacey does damage control to her pretty little princess facade.
Round 2: Knockout blows are landed. Oh yeah, Lacey comes out with her counter punching style and gets caught by some hay makers. First Heather lands “Your daughter is a slut!” on Lacey’s Dad, which stuns Lacey just long enough for Heather to drop the knockout blow…You’ve done all the sexual shit with Bret…I saw you suck his dick up there last night
Lacey’s creepy old man tries to talk about it to Bret later, but it’s all over…the witch is dead.
Lacey is eliminated and we move on to the final episode.
This Weeks Songs:
This one goes out to Lacey: Ding Dong
Otis, get a clue…this one is for you: Dr. Dre – Housewife
The parents came to the house…you know what that means: Electric Six – Naked Pictures (of your mother)
Bret and Heathers song: Unknown Hinson – Barbie-Q