First lemme say this. Shame on you VH1. Shame on you indeed. I thought we were in this together but no, you let the best TV moment of this entire train wreck slip through your fingers like Heather’s dignity. More on this later, but I just wanna let you know that, as Colbert would say:

So. This weeks episode had a little this and a little that, but Jes’ clothes stayed on, Lacey didn’t boil any bunnies and nobody got a sleep-over with Brett. Bummer, Bummer and another Herpes infection avoided (as if). It all starts off with the skank squad heading out to a muddy football field to play a little ball. Winning team gets a group sex date, but the MVP of the winning team gets a “solo date”. The teams basically align with the house cliques…whores versus whores in denial. Now, one would have thought the Magdalena would have just dropped her balls and beat these bitches down like the man she might be….but I guess maintaining his cover was more important than the date thing. It quickly became evident that this was a battle between Jes and Heather. Jes goes Lawrence Taylor ala Theisman (not a link for the squeamish thanks to both content and quality) on Lacey’s leg. Heather…well, she just does what she does and her pants jump off of her. In the end, Heathers super-stripper trump card is not enough for Jes’ last second Peter Warrick imitation. Jes gets the MVP and gets to wear Brett’s jacket, which would be cool if we were all still in Junior High School.

Enter solo date.

Jes gets naked. SIKE! No. Instead, she shows up at a bar and gets to hear Brett sings her a song and then they connect over dinner. Yeah, I’m as let down as you are. They did take a moment to talk about “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn.” Seriously…this song manages to get mixed into every. single. show. No Jes in her underwear = lame, so I ain’t talking about it no more.

They come home to a letter from Super Stripper pot-kettling all the other girls (and Magdalene too). Super Stripper and Brett talk….BLAH BLAH BLAH…Erin’s a whore…BLAH BLAH BLAH…Justin Timberlake…BLAH BLAH BLAH…these girls can’t fuck you like I do..BLAH BLAH BLAH…

Next comes the group date….a day at the shooting range with the girls handling/shooting some pistols. This test proves too complicated, and Mandalena shows the sort of pistol skills that could only come from a lifetime of handling guns (I love these double entendres). This is all followed by dinner at the lodge. A lodge with a whole fucking shit-ton of trophy mounts on the walls and no Lacey…..Here is where my problem comes in.

This should have been Lacey’s friggin date! WTF? Put the god damn Peta member in the fucking room decorated in animal heads and let the hilarity ensue. This ain’t rocket science people. VH1 you failed. You had great TV in your hands and you dropped it. Please do not fuck up again. I am watching Brett’s botoxed/weaved ass shoot whores in the barrel for these very moments, and you drop the freaking ball. Fox wouldn’t make these mistakes.

Erin gets run off and on the way says, “I have had bigger and better stars than Bret Michaels.” Good riddance….go back to your swanky hotel bar, there is no place for call girls on this show anyway.

This week’s songs:

This first goes out to Jen and Brett on their first date: Poison – Tearin’ Down The Walls
This one goes out to Mandalena and her gun handling skills: Beastie Boys – Sure Shot
This one, once again, they talk about it every single week: Poison – Every Rose Has It’s Thorn
Finally, this one is dedicated to Erin (and her twin globes of truth and beauty) and is inspired by her admittance to being a serial star fucker…second stanza: Everlast – Ends