Okay. I asked if people were interested in me doing these and then never actually started. I have a decent excuse…I promise. See, my in-laws came in from Honduras and we weren’t watching the show…but! we were recording them and over the weekend I got caught up and I’m ready to start writing about this collection of skanks in earnest now.
When I woke up this morning I knew someone had mentioned the Brandi twins and their porn careers on the latest Charm School edition. You depraved fuckers had quadrupled the amount of traffic I would normally have by 7:30 in the morning….all Googling for their pron tapes. To that I gotta ask; Are you fucking serious? Do you really wanna see some dude’s spooge running down Brandi M.’s face before you’ve had your morning coffee? Do you really wanna see Brandi C.’s cobbled up axe wound before breakfast?
No, you don’t…I’ve seen ’em both…it was horrible. Now, if Jessica wants to pose topless..then we’re onto something.
The commandment on this week’s episode was “Thou Shalt Rock Thy Body”. You can imagine the disappointment when a house full of whores, strippers and porn queens learned that “rocking thy body” had nothing to do with bodily fluids.
The girls go out to the courtyard to see a collection of booths featuring top shelf whiskey, tequila, cigars, cheese and wine. The girls get to cycle around to each booth trying the wares while the attendants try desperately to explain how to enjoy the items. This really reminded me of my dog. See, I can be eating something so delicious, so decadent and I’ll (as I’m often wont to do) give some to the dog…only, she doesn’t even chew it. One swallow, it’s gone. That’s the way these girls are with the booze. Top shelf whiskey slammed like it’s Old Crow or something. I’d venture that some of the bottles of wine cost more than these hags’ rent, while their only basis for comparison is Boones Farm Strawberry wine. Dallas eventually bores with the wine and cheese offerings and starts to make a run at the local sausage selection (sorry babe, The Pick-Up Artist comes on in the next hour).
After the tasting the girls are found eating lunch poolside while the disgusting waste of semen, Lacie, talks about her militant animal rights beliefs. Nothing, she says, is better than anything else. She couldn’t kill and eat animals so she doesn’t think others should either, she says. All of this self-righteous preaching takes place while she’s eating salmon and caviar. HOORAY HYPOCRISY! Dallas calls her out on this little fact and Lacie tries to justify it all, I’m sure, by explaining that fish aren’t animals…they’re, I dunno, self-aware vegetables or something, but Dallas won’t listen and won’t let Lacie get a word in edgewise. This desperate need for Lacie to be on TV moves into Dallas’ bedroom where Lacie drags her skanky ass up into Dallas’ bed. This doesn’t get the reaction Lacie wanted, so she hops down and she gets up in Dallas’ face. Again, not getting the reaction she wants she throws a temper tantrum and ‘spills’ a drink on Dallas. With any luck, Lacie will get pummeled by Dallas at the reunion show.
The second part of this episode’s challenge was that the girls had to make a PSA about the dangers of drinking. The porn stars ended up together on a team and drew the theme of “drinking makes girls easy”. Really? You expect us to believe this was random? Pron starlets on the same team…making a PSA about drinking and slutting it up? Complete with male blowup dolls and a camera? Really? Random? Bullshit says I. Well, the results were pretty much as expected, complete with a BJ scene (hey! her nickname was Blowjob Brandi!). The best thing about this particular PSA was that I’d never seen a woman get spanked by a male blowup doll before….and now I’ll likely never be able to type that sentence again for the rest of this life.
The team of Destiney and Jessica drew the “booze fucks your body up” PSA. They went with the entirely tame horror movie-esque medical patient hooked to IV’s walking down a hallway (where’s a strobe light when you need it?) telling you the dangers of excessive drinking. Their PSA ended with the worst death scene since Paris Hilton in that shitty movie she did where she died.
Now, another one that I just can not believe was random. Joker-faced Lacie and Dallas end up on the same team. This went about as smoothly as a Rosie O’Donnell and Bill O’Reilly sex tape would. Dallas runs off to sulk about and act like a child while Lacey continues to play the role of cuntzilla to a tee. Their end result is as bad as you’d imagine. To quote Sharon, “You could have taken a piss and it would have been more interesting.” The sheer number of toilet hidden cams in women’s restrooms suggests that she is telling the truth.
The winning team was Kristy Joe and Heather. They pulled the “boozing will fuck up your unborn baby” PSA. Provided you ignore the “fuck up your unborn baby” portion of the PSA, theirs was fucking brilliant. Heather put on a pregnancy suit, lit up her trusty cigarette and played like Britney Spears while KJ was the TMZ cameraman. They did a magnificent job and Heather’s portrayal of Britney was spot on. Heather and Britney…what do you think the degree of separation is there? I bet it wouldn’t take a Kevin Bacon game to connect them.
Elimination comes and predictably enough Dallas loses her pin while Joker-Face feigns remorse.
Here is some “topical” music. See y’all next week.