ROCK OF LOVE 3: FAKE LIPS, FAKE TITS & FAKE BRIDES OH MY EDITION

I dunno why, but episode 2 is always the hardest to write about. It also tends to prove to be one of the less entertaining episodes of the season. This week no shots were thrown on anyone and no shots were taken out of anyone, but there were plenty of tears and even a racial blast. All in all, the episode would have been satisfying enough had it not been followed by the mecca of trash entertainment, Tool Academy. Did any of you see that? I’m gonna start live twittering about it this week on my twitter account. Anyhow, on with the hoe show:

This week’s challenge was for the girls to remember who or what they did the night before…I kid, I kid. That’s an impossible challenge for this crew of tequila and peroxide. No, this week’s challenge was to write fake wedding vows for the fake wedding to the fake-haired bandanna-wearing “rock star” that’s awaiting them some 2 hours down the road. Out come the crayolas and the elementary school writing paper while the girls struggle through some stripper haiku. Upon arriving at the church the girls are told to head to the back where Bret has some wardrobe accessories for them, which is exactly what you’d expect….whore-bride costumes for all! HOORAY!

First up for the fake (and really, in the rock and roll world, aren’t they all?) nuptials is Brittaney and we learn that Brit-Brit ain’t got no problem with writing…matter of fact, her vows come in at a whopping 5 pages. Five pages of creepy stalker type shit…we’re talking Sarah McLachlan – Possession creepy. Real quick you get the feeling that Brittaney’s probably rubbed a few out to the Bret-Pam sex tape. Creepy, like you get the feeling Brit might drop a, “You know, I really didn’t like your last girlfriend very much. And her apartment, what was with that carpet?” style line at any moment. Creepy, like get your rabbit-boiling porn star ass off my reality show.

Aside from that we saw a girl give Bret a blow-up doll so “she could always be with him”, the Penthouse centerfold gave him a framed copy of her centerfold (who didn’t see that coming?), there was a belly dance and then the gift from my current fave, Beverly. Beverly’s not playing the “tart-up and tease the cock” game. She comes out in a motocross jersey which she takes off and gives to him thereby displaying her naked….t-shirt…yup, she’s in a t-shirt. Interesting angle, Beverly. I’m rooting for you, but I think this play gets you eliminated in the end. AND OH YEAH! One girl gave him her clit ring and told him he could find out where it goes later (I’m guessing he took it out the night before).

Winners are: Penthouse Pet, Clit Piercing Girl and the girl that offered up the A2M. All of this crushes Brit the stalker and she goes into a fit of tearful rage.

Later that night at “the reception”, the Brazilian gets drunk and decides to give Bret a lap dance and, like piranhas to meat, the rest of the girls follow suit. Just when Bret seems to really be getting into it, Brit-Brit decides to play her hand. She comes out in a bikini and proceeds to give Bret the least sexy lap dance in history. Srsly, Larry the freaking Cable Guy gnawing a barbecue rib and drunkenly slurring “get-er-duns” while Amy Winehouse’s scabby ass worked him over would be more sexy. This whole event did lead to the quote of the season so far. In an edited scene Ashley says, “I didn’t even know they made bikinis in size fat fuck!”

O No She Dinnit.
O yes she dids.

Having all the sexy sucked out of party like air on Mars, Bret moves the party inside for a game of “Are you Smarter Than A Rock Star?” One of the questions is “If you have 16 groupies and three pass out, how many menage-a-trois can Bret have?” to which Bret answers, 6.5. They give him credit for the correct answer, but I’d like to point out that that Bret is 45 years old so the correct answer is 1…2 if he’s rocking the Cialis.

Bret picks his favorite 3 from the game and gives them the vaunted VIP pass. Stalker, not being one of the chosen ones, continues down her mental collapse, crying some more and telling the black girl that the only reason she got a VIP pass is because she was black. This gets the expected results from everyone and Brit, off-camera, wonders why everyone thinks she’s a racist. She even informs us that “her grandfather is black”…whatever, I’ve never seen her in any of the Big Black Dicks in Tight White Chicks series, so her racism is obvious as far as I’m concerned.

Elimination comes and the porn star/racist/stalker somehow survives a freaking three prostitute elimination.
HUH?
I’m telling you…they keep her around too long and she’s gonna chop off Bret’s johnson.
Yeah and maybe she stomp on it and squoosh it, Lebowski Michaels.

Here is some music inspired from this weeks episode:

In the spirit of the wedding: Billy Idol – White Wedding
To Brit the Stalker: Sarah McLachlan – Possession
To Brit the racist: Body Count – KKK Bitch
I dunno, it just seems to fit: Nashville Pussy – Blowjob From A Rattlesnake