This week’s edition opens up at with Brett meeting his house of harlots at a roller derby ring. The gist of this weeks’ challenge was to protect the baby Brett- replete in cowboy hat and bandana- at all costs. The girls were to skate around the rink while some LA Rollerdykes attempted to pummel the baby into Baby Brett bits. Oh, and joining the rollerdykes would be none other than Lacy Connor, the witch of season 1…the third place witch. I dunno, maybe becoming the target of hate by a nation of ROL watchers mellowed Lacy or something, but outside of dropping a “What up Skanks?” bomb as she was introduced, she was basically nonexistent. What up wit dat, VH1? Srsly…Lacy cn haz freekout tiem nao? kthxbai. Really, by and large, the challenge pretty much blew. The girls can’t skate for crap (neither could Lacey), nobody living got hurt, and no titties flopped out….heh, I know, I was as surprised as you…I thought Angelique’s were on a deblousing hair-trigger, but more on that later…
Kristy Joe was one of the very few who could skate, and as a result her team won with ease and thus got a date. You know who else was on KJ’s team? Yup, Angelique the circus freak. In her 1 on 1, this whore says, “On thees date I am gonna fizz-ook Brett so good eee doesn’t wanna look at any ooof thees girl when eee come back”. Okay. Not to get too ‘some guy who doesn’t matter’ and Amy Poehler here, but
…..Really?…..Angelique?…..Really?…..Have you looked in a mirror lately? Like, really….have you looked at Kristy Joe? Destiny? Roxy?…..Really?…..Doodle his noodle all you want hon, but you’re taking it in the ass on the set of Back Seat Bangers 45 next week, cause you’re a fucking disgusting hag who manages to make a French fucking accent unsexy…..Really!….HOW DO YOU MANAGE THAT?….That’s like making the image of Angelia Jolie and Brad Pitt making whoopie on the hood of a vintage Jaguar unsexy…..Really…..but you did it….you disgusting twat.
So, off to the date they go. It’s Angelique, Inna and Aubry on a group date, while Kristy Joe gets a solo for being the team MVP. The group date goes to club Forty Deuce for a private party…and by private party I mean that the girls have to perform a Burlesque dance for Brett over dinner. Burlesque…the art of subtle sexy tease dance…meets Rock of Love. Ummm…Yeah. But Inna and Aubry give it their best. Inna tries to dance, but it doesn’t work out so well for her, and Aubry goes up next and completely out-performs her with an, all things considered, schwing-central performance. Then comes the walking-Picasso. A virtual black-hole for all things sexy gets up there and does…well, she does what she does…her clothes fall off and she gives the stage syphilis. A medical first.
Back home, a misunderstanding about what the super-cute Kristy Joe said earlier has her showing her Season 2 version of Sam’s colors by bawling in the bathroom. Someone should have told her LA bathrooms are for coke and sex, while bawling is to be done in public for all the pap’s to ‘graph (that’s industry speak for “paparazzi’s to photograph”).
As her prize for being MVP, KJ gets a private date of her planning with Brett, so she decides that since she is living in a house full of cattiness, her private date will be her bar-b-quing at the house and the 2 of them will be eating in the backyard. Genius. Failure follows like death in the electric chair. First, KJ admits that she is still legally married, but not to worry…the paperwork has been filed. I’ve used this same line like, 30 times (Erin, hon, that was sarcasm). You cannot drop a bomb like that without some flack, so cue Destiny, who functioned as her namesake by promptly appearing to use her VIP card to butt in on KJ’s date. OK, she may not have showed up as destiny so much as spite, but it was still perfectly timed. Brett reluctantly submits to the power of the VIP card and Destiny climbs onto his lap while KJ’s steak gets cold on the table. Soon, though, Destiny’s time is up and KJ comes back, sanitizes Brett (OK, not really), and they ensue said date. Aaaand just when KJ starts getting over the interruption, one of the two house trannies (Daisy) approaches to play her VIP card. She’s not nearly as rude as Destiny, however, and as politely as possible Brett tells her to get fizzucked and she takes a rain check. Cue KJ going all Sam on Brett.
Elimination comes and FINALLY Angelique hits the road. Judging from what I’ve seen, the only person Angelique repulsed more than me, the viewer, was Brett….and really, that makes sense as I, the viewer, wasn’t having to kiss her. Yay, Angelique goes out the front door, along with Roxy and this week’s episode ends.
For Lacey; despite your brief appearance you get a song: Elton John – The Bitch is Back
In honor of the challenge: Jim Croce – Roller Derby Queen
To Angelique: Sarah McLachlan – I Will Remember You (and your play-doh grill)
Note: I am leaving tomorrow for a week of snowboarding. I do not know if I’ll see this week’s ROL before I return. If not, I’m gonna be a little late on the next 2 recaps.