So, I went and saw “Cloverfield” Saturday afternoon, and I would have figured the monster would have been the ugliest thing I’d see all weekend…until I remembered that Angelique the circus freak was still living in the Rock of Love House. Seriously people. I know I’m more Steve Buscemi than Johnny Depp, but this Angelique…she’s…she’s like a freaking Picasso painting come to life with lip injections. It’s seriously disturbing to look at…but I digress. Let’s move on, shall we.
This week’s episode started up right where it should have. The drunk bitch Courtney, rising from her coma to be informed that she was eliminated in her sleep last night. She takes it better than I would have thought and packs her shit, refers to herself as a dumb ass and a blackout drunk, and then walks out of our lives.
One of the things I like about Rock of Love is the fact that they make minimal effort to disguise what the show is looking for, and this week was no different with the challenge being a “talent” show…in a peep show booth. Some girls got it. Some didn’t. Some girls did kung-fu, some wrote poems, and one failed at playing the drums. Top nods, IMO, went to Kristie Joe pulling the sexy housewife gimmick by ripping her shirt off when Brett asked for more, Amber’s unwrapped herself (is Amber growing on anyone else?) and, it pains me to type this, but, Angelique. She knew what time it was. The freak show cooked some mousse, went in the booth, and promptly smeared it all over her naked titties. For the record, that makes 2 out of 2 for episodes where you see silly VH1 graphics over the place where Angelique’s bolt-ons go, and 0 out of 2 for the other girls. Booo other girls. Brett almost agrees with me, but awards the date to Amber, Peyton (who did a pretty good job singing a song…fully clothed), and Daisy the duck-lipped post op. After the show, the girls, minus the VIP brats, stay up and party with Brett…and by party, I mean listen to him sing “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” for the first of numerous times, I’m sure. The lack of the VIP crew sorts pisses Brett off and he tells the lessers to let the VIP bitches know their shit does indeed stink and that they must redeem themselves with a…get this…old school dance-off. The typically confused blonde, Megan, tries to drop this excuse: “We wanted to get beauty sleep. We were just trying to be hotter for him, if thats possible.” Yes honey, it is…one word: blowjob. God Damn! did these girls not learn anything from season one?
The date was the kind of shit that only flies when you’re a rock star on a dating reality show: motocross. Nothing of note came from this yawner of a date. Back at the house, the VIP’s decide to say they’re sorry with a card. Again, come on Season 2 bitches, remember Season 1? Heather and some girl I do not remember…sexy pictures taped to his door….WTF! Nonetheless, they make the kind of card you would expect your high school girlfriend to make for you and wait patiently at the door to give it to him. The not-so-important-pussy girls decided to upstage them and take seats closer to the door….this, I’m sure, is the proper foundation for future drama. HOORAY Drama! Brett gets the card….blah blah blah…off to the dance-off….the old school dance off was an embarrassment. No. Really. One girl didn’t even know what the Cabbage Patch was. The winners where Roxy the hotty, Destiny, and the ducklipped post-op.
At elimination there was a cat-spat because one of the idiots admitted she was in the house on a dare, which was immediately told to Brett, obviously. The girl was trying to say it was all a big misunderstanding, but Inna(normous) wasn’t hearing it…cue argument, tears, and one girl eliminated. Three girls whose names I never even learned get the boot and Angelique tries, so desperately, to shove her tongue in Brett’s mouth. Brett reacts with the exact amount of shock and horror any of us would if an inflated lip Picasso-esque porn queen tried to tongue rape our mouth.
Till next week here is some music inspired by the show:
Should be Angelique’s theme song: Johnny Soul – If You Wanna Be Happy
Because it made it’s first appearance of the season: Poison – Every Rose Has It’s Thorn
Come on, Bloodhound Gang basically wrote the soundtrack for a show full of strippers and whores:
Bloodhound Gang – The Ballad of Chasey Lain
Bloodhound Gang – The Bad Touch