Well, Well, Well. Will you lookee there. Heather shows up and it’s like Emeril, BAM! It’s up a notch. Vodka is consumed until it is running out of Daisy’s eyes, innocent Jessica finds her inner drunken sorority slut, and all is right in Rock of Love land. Thank you Heather. Thank you and your party girl/stripper tractor beam. Hell, I bet if I spent 30 minutes in the same room with you, I’d be playing hide the peen and make a man-pussy.
It’s exes week in the house! Let’s see what kind of douche-baggery we’ll have walk through the door, shall we? First up is Destiney’s ex-husband, Adam, dressed like he’s Mr. Rogers heading out for a Saturday morning on the golf course. Next comes Jessica’s ex-boyfriend Casey who is painfully plain. Third is Megan’s
ex-boyfriend some dude named Josh who used to use her as his booty call. Lemme explain this quickly by quoting Megan: “A year ago, we kind of dated for six months and I wanted him to be my boyfriend and he had another girlfriend that he didn’t want to leave for me.” A playmate as an on-call fuck…My Man. Josh is a fucking pimp, so in his case I rescind the douche bag label. Next up is Ambre’s…best-friend? Talk about getting saved by the bell. Turns out none of Ambre’s exes wanted to come on VH1 and talk shit about their ex. I see this as a +1 for Ambre. And rounding out this parade is the king douche…the…the douche nozzle if you will, Daisy’s ex-boyfriend/ex-bandmate/CURRENT ROOMATE, Charles, looking like he’s stuck somewhere between K-Fed, V is for Vendetta guy, and Hot Topic assistant manager. Saving the best surprise for last for last, however, Bret introduces an ex of his own, the aforementioned Heather, and it’s on. Girls stay home with Heather, while Bret takes the fellas out for a little talk.
The boys have barely loaded up in the Iraq war-loving stretch Hummer before Heather has the girls in their bras doing body shots off one another. Again; thank you Heather. It’s the awesome concentrate mixed with booze, boobs and sexual energy that this season has totally been missing. Booze flows like it’s free, and Heather starts getting the girls to dish dirt on one another, as articles of clothing just keep falling off ’til we have a bikini-clad truth or dare that results in a nakedDestiney doing cartwheels across the back lawn…Have I thanked Heather for coming back yet?
Meanwhile, the fellas are having a horribly uncomfortable roundtable chat at some cigar bar. Seeing this as the ratings killer it is, Bret pulls the plug and takes the guys to a restaurant/game room/bar…you know, a guys’ place, but things don’t really get any better. Through the guys’ day, all we really learn is the my man Josh thinks Megan is a gold digger, and there is some foreshadowing that perhaps there’s more to the Destiny/Charles story than has been told.
Meanwhile. Back at Circus Circus…
Daisy and Jessica are in wasted little girls phase 3 and the vodka tears are flowing. Jessica is crying to Heather because everyone thinks she’s too young and too innocent. Her plan to prove them wrong…binge drinking. Then ablearly , smeary-mascara-eyed Daisy proceeds to inform Heather that she is still living with her boyfriend in a one bedroom apartment ,but that they have no physical relationship.Riiiiiiiiiiight . It’s that Clinton definition of sex: Oral sex isn’t sex, sex with condoms doesn’t count ’cause there’s no skin on skin, and anal doesn’t count cause you can’t get pregnant from it. OK, then. Next thing you know, Jessica has skipped drunk stages 4,5 and 6 and has gone straight to the puking and can’t walk stage. FTR ladies, this is where the whole gray-area in “no means no” comes into play…I kid, I kid…nonetheless, homegirl is a hot fucking mess…no bra, puke breath and legs that have ceased to function…One more time for the cheap seats, thank you Heather!
Time for elimination and a still drunk Jessica gets her ass outta bed, slams some makeup on her grill and makes it down….atta girl. The end of elimination is like deja-vu all over again, except this time there’s no Kristy Joe to save Megan. Bret tells Megan her time’s up and……………..aaaannnnddd…….um……..NOTHING!….She stands there for literally a minute and a half in TV time, so who knows how much longer she was really there, just half shaking her head and saying nothing, just mouthing “No, No, No.” I guess she was hoping her playmate pussy power would make him change his mind or something, but it just wasn’t in the cards for her. Bret walks her out and returns to tell the girls that they’regoin’ to Vegas, Baybee, and that my girl Heather was coming along to help him weed out the remaining girls.
I’m calling my shot now. I predict a Bret and Heather hookup. I know that’s like predicting that every time Georgieporgie-dummy-Bush’s monkey head shows up on the news he’ll be saying something stupid, but I figured if I didn’t say anything and then dropped a “I knew it!” when it happened, it would seem less genuine. So I’mcallin’ it.
Three Cheers To Heather!
Songs inspired from this weeks episode:
To my man Josh: Blackstreet – Booty Call
To Megan: Julie Brown – Earth Girls are Easy
To Drunk Jessica: Cyndi Lauper – Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
To Heather: Poison – Nothing But A Good Time
America’s Best Dance Crew:
On the reality TV tip I wanna drop a congrats on JabbaWockeeZ for winning America’s Best Dance Crew last night. Easily the best and most consistent crew through out the show. If you know what I’m talking about then I think you’ll agree. If you have no idea what I am talking about: It was a dance contest taking place on MTV featuring different dance crews from across America andJabbaWockeeZ won the finale last night. I’ve attached a video of one of their performances below:
This song goes out to JabbaWockeeZ: Freestylers – Don’t Stop