Rock of Love 2: Dirty Girls and Night Vision Edition

This week’s episode opens with our groupies in the exact opposite position that they wanna be in when Bret drags them out of bed at the ass-crack of the morning…well, ass-crack for a college girl or a stripper…normal ol’ get up time for the rest of the world, to go face this episode’s challenge.

This challenge will involve our girls wrapping their legs around a muscular beast, taking control and setting a pace that will get her to the goal first. tsk…tsk…naughty mind. It’s a mini-rodeo! Featuring Rodeo, who gets about 5 seconds more camera time than Lacey did. Seriously? What’s the point? Unless Bret got one more for old times sake while off-camera, I have to wonder what the point of the cameos really is. Were the season one girls really so devoid of personality that is took an entire week to get 5 to 10 decent sound bites out of them? All that said, I forgot how nice of a rack Rodeo had. Good call on getting no less than 3 shots of it into her 15 seconds of cameo. Catherine is excited as hell about the challenge because, well, she’s 45…and playmate or not, she has a shit-ton more bareback experience than any of these hags. Teams are chosen and Megan is, once again, the last to be chosen. She rationalizes this via the following quote:

“I think that the girls didn’t pick me because they’re jealous. They don’t understand what it’s like to go through life being hot with all of the turmoil of hotness.”

That’s right y’all! No one wants her cause everyone wants her! She’s the fucking vapid playmate version of Schrödinger’s cat…and here I was thinking she wasn’t nothing but a oxygen consumer with a nice set of tits. The rodeo involves running a barrel race, roping a faux-cow and pulling bandannas off of un-faux pigs. It was exciting as an episode of Trading Spaces….Jessica throws down like a mutha and Catherine learns that really, in the end, experience does not trump youth and vigor in the Rock of Love house. She cries it out on her bed. God damn I hate crying on my reality tv.

The group date participants are Ambre and Kristy Jo, with Not as Hot Kristy Jo (Destiny), as you’ll see, just along for the ride. They all go to what has to be the most stupid restaurant idea ever, Opaque, where you eat in the pitch dark. Well, you might eat, but Bret is gonna go to third base with the KJ. So, yeah. Seriously. You are seated in, like, black hole darkness and served food.

Only in California and by “only in California” I mean “fucking stupid”. So, dinner boils down to this. Darkness….but we have night vision! What we see is Ambre and Not as Hot Kristy Jo (Destiny) eating their dinner while Kristy Joe does her best to make her own version of One Night in Paris while we watch. Bret suddenly decides to put up some resistance, so KJ decides to go to the bathroom (finish herself off)…giving Ambre her opening, and while Ambre doesn’t go to KJ molestation levels, she does make her own impression. Dinner ends with a blue-balled Bret, a soggy KJ, a satisfied Ambre and a clueless Not as Hot Kristy Jo (Destiny).

They come back from the solo date and Bret does the most obvious thing since water ran down a hill…he takes Kristy Joe, the one who gave his finger a BJ, back to his room for some 1 on 1 time….till 4:30 in the morning…they were “watching a movie”…I’m guessing it was filmed from a stationary camera sitting on a dresser somewhere. Daisy cries ’cause she isn’t included in the dance, and Catherine decides to make Bret breakfast in bed and kiss the left over Kristy Joe off his face.

The solo date with Jessica takes place in daylight and is far less interesting. So much less interesting, in fact, that the most interesting part of it was learning that Big John is a former Marine sniper. There was some kissy kissy and then the bandanna-less Big John killed them both…and deep down inside I bet this was quite satisfying.

Elimination comes and the elders get the axe. Peyton and Catherine are gone. Cheers to a hot-flash free house, and lets hope the real hoe down can now begin, ’cause I am gonna say this…this gaggle of depressed self esteem has really failed to meet the standards set by Heather, Lacey and Brandi. Hopefully, with the mother figures gone the dirt will finally rise.

This Weeks Songs:

To The Pig Chasing Girls: Elton John – Dirty Little Girl
To KJ & Brett: Thrill Kill Kult – Sex on Wheels
To Ambre & Brett: Electric Six – Danger! High Voltage
To Post-Group Date Brett: Jerry Lee Lewis – Great Balls of Fire
To The Entire House: Electric Six – Rock and Roll Evacuation