This week’s episode opens with somber news. In the dark of night, Maria has been forced to leave the show due to “medical complications”…which is Rock of Love speak for a herp outbreak. Maria should have just snorted some valtrex and owned it like Katie Holmes. Nonetheless, Big John informs the girls that they are heading out to the next destination while Bret stays behind and pays Maria a visit.

Bret tells the girls he’ll meet up with them in Chicago and that they should “dress to impress”, which is Rock of Love for “put the skank on 11.” The girls meet this challenge head on and do not disappoint when they arrive at the venue looking like a walking Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog. Highlights of the outfits include Tequila wearing a black veil and blurred out tits, Taya in a trashtastic patent leather french maid type hot pants outfit and what’s left of the blondetourage wearing essentially matching outfits.

Today’s challenge is the roadie challenge, which essentially boils down to the girls dividing into 2 teams and disassembling and loading up 2 stages. The girls divide into teams by drawing colored guitar pics out of a hat. During the process Tequila draws a pic unlike the rest….hmmmm….what ever could this mean? Turns out, there are an odd amount of girls and the one drawing the odd pic gets an automatic win. This goes over like celibacy with the other girls.

The girls go to work breaking down the stages and one thing quickly makes itself apparent, Taya’s tittie is used to being her main attraction and is tiring of missing all this camera time. Taking matters into their own mammaries, Taya’s tit just jumps on out, queueing the censors and forcing the VH1 tit blurring dude to work overtime. Taya, while distracted by her left tit cameo, steps right off the stage.

Mayday! Mayday! Penthouse Pet down!

Not to worry, though. Taya’s gone down harder on lesser stages and she’s back on the stage within seconds. Even though she’s still working, it becomes obvious that the fall has left Taya with a not so fresh feeling and Taya’s tears prompt an outpouring of emotions from Farrah who rounds the corner and tells Taya to “shut up and keep working”. This tough love technique is not enough, though, ’cause the other team wins. By winning, the team will get the VIP treatment and an onstage view of Bret’s show that night. The losers? Well, they get what was probably their average Sunday afternoon prior to coming on the show….a white trash picnic in the bus parking area.

At the show the winning team has a stage right view while the losers have a fine place in the nosebleeds where, due to the sheer lack of people who actually care about Bret sans CC and Co., they are within easy view of Bret. The music starts and like bacon grease popping in a frying pan the stage right girls are all doing their ‘white trash in the club’ shimmy and shake when, lo and behold, the least surprising thing ever happens…another titty does it’s own Janet Jackson impression. At some point during the show, Tequila decides to take a bracelet that Bret had given her and give it to a group of thirty-somethings in the front row singing Bret’s songs. This goes over like wearing underwear with the other girls.

On the way to the after-party I guess Brittanya was feeling left out, ’cause the big black box where her tits should be suggests that hers had caught up with this week’s meet the tits subplot. Once at the after-party the girls start drinking like….well….just like they did yesterday. And the day before. And the day before. And…well, you get the point. But really, they ramp up their booze intake on this particular night…to the point where Ashley pukes in a hotel lobby trash can and Ms. “I can’t act like a ho cause I’m 22 and gots 4 kids” makes out with Bret’s drummer. Well, she kisses the drummer, but in the world of instant hyperbole that is Rock of Love she may as well have blown him on top of the bar.

The next morning finds our lovely harlots surveying the damage. Taya feels like she did after prom night with the field hockey team from her solo stage dive, and Bev-”I can’t act like a hoe cause I’m 22 and gots 4 kids”-erley has her ‘tongue mamba with the drummer’ memory lapse filled in for her.

At elimination Bret whittles the possible losers down to Marcia, Beverly and Mindy and tells Big John he can take the final two passes and head out, leaving us to believe that all three of these hags are heading home. Instead, Bret verbally disciplines Beverly for making out with his band and Mindy for not enjoying his crappy show and sends them off to the bus, leaving only Tequila. Seems Bret finally figured out that Marcia was only here for the free booze and her ride ended there.

Bummer.

This weeks music selection is dedicated to all the wardrobe malfunctions:

Bob Log III – Boob Scotch
Bob Log III – Clap Your Tits
Leena Alexandra – My Boobs Are OK
Joe Walsh – I.L.B.T.’S
Hank Williams Jr. – Big Top Women
Scissor Sisters – Tits On The Radio
Sir Mix-A-Lot – Put ‘Em On The Glass
Holy Modal Rounders – Boobs-A-Lot

ninebullets.net is the official online presenter of the O’Death show here in Tampa on Tuesday night. While I’m not entirely sure what “the official online presenter” really means, I can also say I don’t really care. Anytime I have the chance to align the site with the Appalachian Apocalypse from New York that is O’death, you best believe I am gonna do it. What this does mean for the local reader is that I have a pair of tickets to give away to the show and what this means for both the local and non-local reader alike is that I have (3) (1) copies copy of their latest cd, Broken Hymns, Limbs and Skin, to offer to you, the loyal ninebullets.net reader. CDs have been won. What do you have to do for the loot, you ask? Well, go to O’death’s myspace profile and then email me what the fourth song on their music player is. First local person gets the tickets and I’ll give the cd’s to the first 3 local or out of towners to email me the same answer.

If you don’t win don’t let that deter you from this show, Tampa. It’s definitely gonna be a show of the year candidate. Here is what I wrote about them last time they came to Ybor City:

Drummer David Rogers-Berry lived up to his advance billing; screaming, howling, beating trash cans with chains, hyping the crowd, and just generally beating his floor toms so hard you could almost see them wince in agony. Adding to the drum-abusive energy was fiddle player Bob Pycior stomping and dancing about while trying his damnedest to saw his instrument in half. Much like Berry, he plays with such an intensity that you get the impression he is punishing his instrument more than playing it. Balancing out these two was Gabe Darling’s banjo and ukulele and Greg Jamie’s guitar and sometimes woeful, always captivating vocals, which help give the band it’s dark sound.

If you are out and about, come holler at me. I’d love for you to buy me a beer and listen to you tell me how awesome ninebullets is…or we can just talk music and sports. Either way, I’m good…just come out.

O’Death – Down to Rest
O’Death – O Lee O
O’Death – Only Daughter

The fellas from The Beautiful Loser Society came to know of ninebullets.net in one of the worst ways possible. Having been a top ten seller on Miles of Music for August of 2008 and subsequently getting screwed out of a couple hundred dollars when M.O.M. shuttered their doors, they were trying to figure out exactly what happened. While doing their research they stumbled across my piece on the Miles of Music closing and decided to mail me a cd.

The Beautiful Losers Society began to take shape sometime in 2001 in the Four Corners region of Colorado when Chuck Barry (vocals, rhythm) and Kevin Chef (vocals, lead) began playing together. In 2006 when they added Danny Bankston on drums and Mike McCluhan on bass, the The Beautiful Loser Society was born. Now, flash-forward a couple of years and the band’s releasing their debut cd, Aim Low.

While Aim Low does occasionally sound and feel like an unsigned band’s debut cd, overall it’s a really strong effort that’s more than worthy of your attention. The band describes their sound as inhabiting the grey area between Hank Sr. and Elvis. Personally, I don’t really hear that at all. When this cd is hitting and I’ve got it cranked, I get the feel of a sound inhabiting the grey area between The Drive-By Trucker’s Southern Rock Opera and Decoration Day albums.

Not a bad place to be sitting if you ask me. Check ‘em out and buy their cd if you like the samples. Hell, buy two to help them recoup the money stolen by Miles of Music.

The Beautiful Loser Society – Delta Shine
The Beautiful Loser Society – Muddy Bayou
The Beautiful Loser Society – Killing Floor

The Beautiful Loser Society on myspace, Buy Aim Low

One of those bands that really caught my attention at the 2008 Deep Blues Festival was The Pack A.D. I was already a fan prior to the festival but after their set I was gung-ho.

They’ve just made a video and shipped it off to MTV and everything. So, hopefully it’ll get a chance to be one of the 3 videos MTV plays one day. Since the odds of that are about as good as Arizona’s chances of winning the Super Bowl this week I figured I’d post it here:

The Pack A.D. – Making Gestures

I’ve also managed to get an mp3 copy of The Pack A.D.‘s set from the 2008 Deep Blues Festival. It was shortened because they were trying to squeeze in some bands who’s set got canceled from the rain the day before. They still managed to crush it for only having 30 minutes at 12:30 in the afternoon. Here it is if you wanna check it out:

1. Snow
2. Gold Rush
3. banter
4. All Damn Day Long
5. banter
6. Oh Be Joyful
7. banter
8. Don’t Have To Like You
9. Stalker Blues

Hopefully, I am about to get a lot more of the DBF’08 sets. I plan on posting them. I hope y’all are diggin’ them as much as I am. Also, keep in mind that some 80+ bands are gonna gather in Minneapolis this July for the 2009 version of The Deep Blues Festival. Take it from me, it’s a great fucking time that your liver will hate you for. Tickets are on sale now. I’ll be there…you should to.

Some times good things happen to the bands that deserve them and such is the case with John Paul Keith and his One Four Fives out of Memphis, Tenn. Having recently signed with Fat Possum records imprint, Big Legal Mess Records, they are now set to release their debut LP, Spills & Thrills.

Building on a more Jerry Lee Lewis than Elvis 50′s rock and roll sound, John Paul and Co. seem hellbent on putting the roll back into rock-n-roll. The upbeat and innocent feel to this album is a welcome sound to my ears in these troubled times.

Personally, I wish this sound would start to see a revival. It’ll never come out of Nashvegas, though, and perhaps that’s why John Paul Keith packed his shit and left that town for the not-so-neon lights of Memphis a few years back. Hooking up with M. Edgar Stuart (bass), Kevin Cubbins (guitar), Al Gamble (piano) John Whittemore (pedal steel, and guitar) and John Argroves (drums), the band started writing original songs all the while earning the reputation of one of the fiercest bar bands in Memphis.

Now, thanks to Big Legal Mess, the rest of us get to hear what all the fuss is about. I’d say they’re worthy of all the hubbub, Spills & Thrills is Essential Listening.

John Paul Keith and the One Four Fives – Pure Cane Sugar
John Paul Keith and the One Four Fives – Smoke In A Bottle
John Paul Keith and the One Four Fives – If I Were You

John Paul Keith and the One Four Fives on myspace, Buy Spills & Thrills

I am a big fan of Flight of the Conchords. For the longest time The Humans Are Dead was my ringtone. Now, admittedly, I was pretty disappointed with Episode 1 of Season 2, it seemed forced but they made up for it with Episode 2. This song just killed and tell me Dave’s part near the end isn’t old school Beastie Boys-esque:

Mad props to Twang Nation for bringing this to my attention. Seems Col. J.D. Wilkes along with his wife and Layne Hendrickson have formed a roots music band called The Dirt Daubers. Here is what their myspace profile says:

Colonel JD Wilkes (The Legendary Shack Shakers) and his wife Jessica, along with “Slow” Layne Hendrickson, make up the hillbilly/hokum trio THE DIRT DAUBERS! Hailing from western Kentucky, these three caterwaulin’ hooligans sing loud and proud an ecclectic mix of Appalachian, ragtime, and hot jazz standards and original music.

Color me intrigued! One of their videos on YouTube says they have a CD coming out in the near future. Speaking of their YouTube videos….here you go:

The Dirt Daubers – Sugar Baby

The Dirt Daubers – Wild Bill Jones

The Dirt Daubers – Wayfaring Stranger

EDIT: While poking around their myspace profile I came across this picture titled, “Old spur line of the P&L RR, Paducah KY” which reminded me of one of my very favorite LSS tracks:

Legendary Shack Shakers – Old Spur Line

This is a new thing I am trying out. Since I am now contributing to the music side of Creative Loafing’s website I am trying to post a rundown of what’s going on in Americana music and it’s related blogs over there every Friday and since I am posting it there…well, why not post it here. So, without further ado:

• Has anyone else stopped to think about how awesome February 17 is gonna be? That day will see new releases from: Jason Isbell, The Fox Hunt, Deep Dark Woods, William Elliott Whitmore, Alela Diane & the entire Murder City Devil’s discography will be getting issued (re?) on Vinyl.

• It’s been unseasonably cold this week which I’m sure has resulted in another cover or two on your bed. In the spirit of covers the Lucero Message Board put together a compilation of bands doing cover songs. It’s worth checking out for the Bonnie “Prince” Billy’s cover of Danzig’s “Am I Demon” alone. You can download it here.

• Following up on the awesome news of new Drag The River and Jon Snodgrass albums on the horizon Suburban Home has announced that Austin Lucas‘ new album, Somebody To Love, should be coming out sometime in March. They also made the title track available for our listening pleasures:
  Austin Lucas – Somebody Loves You

• The fine blog, Muzzle of Bees posted an interview with Lucero‘s frontman, Ben Nichols.

• In Drive-By Truckers news: In a recent article Patterson Hood mentioned that the band has began work on a new, as if yet untitled, album. And in even better news he said “I feel it’s time to make a big, loud, rowdy rock record“. Thank God! I’ve always liked the loud rocking Truckers over the newer kinder Truckers of recent albums. In other DBT news, NME had an article this week about the new Booker T album, Potatoe Head, in which DBT is his backing band. The album, out April 20 (420…get it…), also features Neil Young on guitar. Booker T, Neil Young and The Drive-By Truckers….how could this album not be awesome?

Ahhh. Another week, another hour long PSA of what a bad father can do to a daughter. Now I gotta be honest, for some reason my cable box decided not to record Rock of Love this week and by the time I noticed we’d missed the first 8 minutes or so. When we turned it on, Bret was in a hockey rink and the girls were just entering. Turns out that this week’s challenge is a slight variation of last season’s “save Brett’s baby, rollerderby challenge”. See, Brett needs a woman who’ll be able to take care of and be there for his kid and, seriously, is there any better way to find out who that would be than to let the harlots use a baby doll as a puck while the University of Illinois hockey team tries to smash it? Well, it’s probably safer than actually letting this mob of self-worth issues actually meet his children. Oh, did I mention that Lacey was the ROL Girl of Past special guest this season? No? That’s because, just like last season, outside of a 5 second “hey skanks” close-up she was not even mentioned. I am starting to think Bret doesn’t like Lacey very much but the producers keep dragging her back. On this episode she was looking like she came to set straight from a 3 day coke-fueled orgy. What? I’m sure it would have been a 6 day binger had it not been for the lessons she learned on Charm School.

So, the “ladies” get divided into 3 teams with the winning team getting the ever-coveted group date. And a baby-puck bashing the women went! Slippin’, slidin’, wigglin’, gigglin’ and a fallin’ they went. The entire time the girls had been on the ice Beverley had been strugglin’ to stay upright, but once her team hit the ice for the challenge we learn that this bitch has been puttin’ on a ruse and wins it for her team on the first baby. But there is no time to celebrate. Turns out one of the over-injected blondes on Beverley’s team took a header and is thinking she popped a titty.

WTF? I turned to my wife at the time and asked, “You can pop a titty?” like she’d know. Look, I’m no fake boob expert, but I’d say if you’re at risk of popping one of those balloons should you fall, then you got too much silicone or saline up in there.  But I gotta say, if this whole titty pop thing is possible then I bet those grapefruit halves shoved under Vikky Beckhams nipples are at risk of popping in a stiff breeze.

One of the other girls shares my wonderment and comments, “If Melissa busted her breast implant playing hockey, then she got ‘em done in Tijuana because $300 boob jobs pop for not reason, OK?” Amen and preach that shit, sister. Now, make sure you use the handrail when you’re on the stairs. Lord knows if it can happen to her then all you ROL girls are at risk.

After the challenge the losing girls return to their buses, while the winning team gets their date. The girls on the blue bus are welcomed on their bus by a foul smell that they immediately attribute to Brit-the-stalker. Upon further investigation of her bunk, they find two possible sources for the stench. First, this freak is stashing food in her bunk…but that’s the least of this bitch’s trespasses. She also took the socks that all the girls were wearing during the challenge and stashed them in her bunk.

I mean, as Farrah would say, “son of a biscuit eating bulldog! what-the-effing-french?”  This bitch is fudging crazy and every one of these girls will probably be dead within a year, I Know What You Did Last Summer-style.

Meanwhile, out on the date shit’s less creepy but no less crazy. Bret has taken the women to the only place they could all be comfortable together, the strip club. This goes over like apple pie and ice cream for everyone but Beverley, which surprises me ’cause with each passing episode I am becoming more and more convinced that she’s a closet lesbian nom-nomming on all the hags while Bret tries to get to know them. Nonetheless, they finally talk her up onto the stage with all the other girls where she stands like she’s one of the bouncers. This prompts Bret to pull her aside and ask why he ain’t seen half her ass yet. Bev explains she’s can’t be like that cause she’s got (3) fuck trophies back home. Bret labels her a buzzkill and we move on.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel the other girls are calling Brit-the-stalker out on her sock stealing ways. She claims not to have stolen them, rather, she asked the rink if she could have them and they told her yes, so there. Never an explanation as to why, but I know- ’cause that’s the kind of shit that Crazy does….DUH. Meanwhile, in another room busted-boobie Melissa is on her cell phone talking shit about Bret’s hair plugs to her boyfriend. As predictable as tossing gasoline on an open flame, the other girls run to Bret like this is the most important message delivered since Paul Revere made his historic ride.

And then we’re at elimination. Is it just me or did it seem like a rather rough cut to elimination? I mean, I had been drinking, but it just seemed rather sudden.

At elimination Bret offers the girls a chance to get anything that may be resting on their twin orbs off and Farrah calls out the leaky-tittied-one. She’s like, “leaky tit is a lying hoe” and leaky tits is like, “So are you” and Bret’s like, “Bitch, I got the best European hair extensions money can buy, now get the fuck out and clean up your leaky tit behind you.” This brings much cheering and jubilation from the other girls. Ah, but eliminations are not quite done. Oh no, one more needs to go. Seems Brit’s sock stealing was the final nail in her coffin and he eliminates her as well. Much reminiscent of when Megan got eliminated, Brit just stands there. Even as Bret and Big John walk out of the theater, she’s just standing there.

I’m telling you now, the entire cast better watch their backs for the next few months cause dat bitch is crazy.

Here is some music inspired by last weeks episode:

To Brit-Brit’s Sockgate: Richard Cheese – Been Caught Stealin’
Inspired by the “date”: Richard Cheese – Girls, Girls, Girls
Inspired by a Richard Cheese trifecta: Richard Cheese – Are You Gonna Be My Girl

Inspired by the elimination of leaky-tit: Extreme – Get The Funk Out

No, a new album isn’t in the can but they are working on it. As of now it’s untitled and about 14 demo cuts have been made. One thing that caught my eye in an article about it in The Daily Times was the following:

Fans can count on one thing, however — it’s gonna be loud.

“I feel it’s time to make a big, loud, rowdy rock record,” Hood said. “There were certainly moments on ‘Brighter’ that were very much big loud rock songs, but there’s also a lot of quieter moments on there. It’s all over the map and kind of eclectic — intentionally so — and I think the next one will be a little more succinct and a little more upbeat and rocking.

Thank God! A loud rock and roll record (it’s about fucking time)! Let’s hope that vision makes it from the demo stage to the mastering stage.

Drive-By Truckers – Sink Hole