Big John wakes the girls up at 6am with the loving phrase, “This is rock and roll, it ain’t rock and sleep.” To extrapolate on this one could also say:

Heather: “This is rock and roll, it ain’t rock and strip unless Jes wants to take it off. Then, we’ll make an exception. You, too, Mia, wanna get naked?”
Lacey: “This is rock and roll, it ain’t rock and be crazy and look more like a man with each passing week.”
Sam: “This ain’t rock and Leave it to Beaver honey. Rock and Roll on the Beaver, maybe. Rock and Roll on as many random beavers as possible on every given night…definitely.”

This week was the tour bus challenge episode. To be honest, I was a little disappointed at just how un-rock and roll it was. I had expectations of ‘threesome with random groupies’ skills tests and ‘how well can you get down in the tiny ass bus bathroom’ challenges spiced with a little challenge to see who has the best handi-cam skills while catching it it the pooper. None of that. Really, outside of the crotchless unitard, this was basically the sort of shit any couple with three kids would face on a family vacation. Here are the highlights though:

Super Stripper: Heather was not allowed to participate in this one due to her professional status, so, we get Mandalena and Sam. They gotta pull the Clark to Superman metamorphosis, stripper style. Go into the PORT-O-LET as a mild-mannered groupie and emerge as a full-on whore, complete with thong, crotchless stockings (obviously), stripper heels and a sleeve for a skirt. Sam wins because Magdalena can not tie her shoes correctly (sorry dude).

Dumpster Diving: The challenge is to find a guitar pick in a dumpster full of gross. The competitors are Lacey and Sam. I figured Lacey would walk away with this one, due to her dumpster diving experience. However, mad dumpster skills aside, Lacey’s kung-fu is not enough for Sam’s super-stripper superpowers. Sam gets the victory, but really, there are no losers here….except for that whole self-respect thing.

The rest of the tour bus challenge was dull. There was a ‘hook up the guitar and amp’ challenge and there was an ‘assemble these words into the chorus from “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn”‘ challenge. Brandi M. takes the victory in the end, and it’s back to the Harlot House where we learn it’s Brett’s birthday and there will be a party that night for him, and party at the rock of love house can only mean one thing. Alex, give me “drunk bitches pole dancing” for 1000. Before we get to the meat of this, lemme bitch at VH1 again….you mutha-fuckers…all anyone wants is some good ol’ Jes nudity. I know you know this, and yet, when she is in her skivvies on the pole you fail to zoom in. WTF? I do not care if she looked like Terry Schiavo having a seizure on that pole…lemme see it up close and preferably in slow motion. Fucking a-holes.

However, all is not lost. Sam decides to show she is not always an insecure whiner and that she can have a little fun, too, so, she jumps up on the pole on a really sexy outfit…well, okay, she was just wearing a pair of jeans and a tshirt. Whew. Somebody grab me some lotion and a hand towel! But seriously, outfit aside she gave it the ol’ college try. She spun, she grinded that pole like it was corn meal and she shook her ass….okay, okay…she shook the place where her ass is supposed to be….but she shook the hell outta that void. So much so that Lacey decided she need to interject herself into the scene by shoving her forked tongue into Brett’s collagen enhanced face. This proves to be too much and Sam’s “I’m cool too” act falls apart like a house of cards and she runs off crying.

Brandi and Brett go on their date. We learn Brandi’s nickname is “Blowjob Brandi”, and that explains how she got on the show and virtually guarantees her advancement to next week. Mandalena gets sent home and we are prepared for next week. A few personal observations:

• Brett really looks like shit. Seriously dude. The only thing worse than an aging rock star is one that fights it. Look at the Stones.
• You ain’t fooling nobody. You have male pattern baldness. It happens. Own it. This shit with the cowboy hats and bandannas is just pathetic.
• Lacey fancies herself the white-trash New York, but New York has more crazy in her left eye than Lacey has in her entire body.
• While on the Lacey thing: Babe you ain’t smart enough to mastermind all the shit you talk and you aren’t pretty enough to be a rock stars girlfriend….aging or not. But, you are the most compelling character on the show so I do not expect you will be going anywhere any time soon.

This weeks songs:

On her date Brandi M reveals that she is known as “Blowjob” Brandi back home. I imagine this song as Brett’s inside voice: Richard Cheese - Me So Horny
This song goes out to Sam and her pole skills: Poison Clan - Shake Whatcha’ Mamma Gave Ya’
This song could have been the soundtrack for the entire birthday party scene: DJ Assault - Ass-N-Titties
Since they found a way to mix this one into the episode….yet again…: Poison - Every Rose Has It’s Thorn
Finally, In my world, this song explains what the tour bus challenge SHOULD have been like: 2 Live Crew - Face Down Ass Up

In the course of writing this web site, I sometimes find myself becoming a music consumer. That’s good, write about it. That sucks, throw it away. Oh! I really like that! Add it to the Essential Listening List and toss it on the iPod. Album in. 5 listens. Write about it. Rip it. Post mp3s. Repeat with new cd. You start going through the motions. These are the times when I start to get “blog-fatigue”. Then an album like Gettin’ Down On It arrives in the mailbox, and I remember why I started this site.

Fort Wayne, Indiana’s Left Lane Cruiser say they “hit the crowd like a shockwave through a big ol’ buttcheek” and I think that is as good a way as any to describe the way this cd affected me. I came across these fellas while I was researching the artist itinerary for the Deep Blues Festival and before the first track, “Big Mama”, could end, I was typing an email explaining my site and asking for a cd. They agreed and I started watching the mailbox. The day the cd arrived, I loaded the dog up in the car, rolled down all the windows and took a long drive across the bridges to give it an uninterrupted listen, and it has been on my person ever since. I’ve used it as the soundtrack to get drunk to before going to a show. I’ve used it as a soundtrack to get drunk to before going out to get drunk. I’ve used it as background music for cleaning, grilling and, most recently, as the soundtrack for “Madden ‘08″. Can you tell this cd gets me excited about music?

Left Lane Cruiser is Joe Evans and Brenn Beck. Evans plays slide guitar and handles the vocals. Beck makes the big ass drum sounds while also manning harmonica, mouth harp, and a vast array of other percussive instruments. Much like the Black Keys, their sound is a lot fuller than you would expect from two people, but that, and the blues label, is about all they share with The Black Keys. Left Lane Cruiser plays a type of music way down close to the dirt-style of North Mississippi Hill Country blues, mixed with a punch in the gut, a whiskey shooter and a corn dog. This is some swampy racket you have to add to your cd collection. Gettin’ Down On It is not only getting a lead seat on the ninebullets Essential Listening list, it is also gonna get heavy consideration for my favorite album this year, despite the fact that it came out in May ‘06.

LLC will soon share one other similarity with The Black Keys. Like the Keys, they are gonna get their start with a label that is quickly becoming my favorite label on the block, Alive Records. They are scheduled to release their first album on Alive in January of ‘08, and I can already tell you it is a candidate for album of the year over here. Get on the bandwagon now…These kids are going places.

Left Lane Cruiser - Big Mama
Left Lane Cruiser - Pork N’ Beans
Left Lane Cruiser - That Ass [Live]

Left Lane Cruiser on myspace, Left Lane Cruiser on Alive Records, Buy Gettin’ Down On It

Here is a video of LLC covering my absolute favorite Black Keys song, Stack Shot Billy:

I’m not just saying this is my favorite Black Keys track because I found an LLC cover of a Black Keys track on YouTube. The reason I will never be able to get enough of this song is because of the cymbals in it. F-ing Perfect. That high-hat just forces a drastic elevation in the volume. Unless you know the song, you can’t really get a full appreciation for them (cymbals) live, so I am gonna post the studio version for y’all:

The Black Keys - Stack Shot Billy

First lemme say this. Shame on you VH1. Shame on you indeed. I thought we were in this together but no, you let the best TV moment of this entire train wreck slip through your fingers like Heather’s dignity. More on this later, but I just wanna let you know that, as Colbert would say:

So. This weeks episode had a little this and a little that, but Jes’ clothes stayed on, Lacey didn’t boil any bunnies and nobody got a sleep-over with Brett. Bummer, Bummer and another Herpes infection avoided (as if). It all starts off with the skank squad heading out to a muddy football field to play a little ball. Winning team gets a group sex date, but the MVP of the winning team gets a “solo date”. The teams basically align with the house cliques…whores versus whores in denial. Now, one would have thought the Magdalena would have just dropped her balls and beat these bitches down like the man she might be….but I guess maintaining his cover was more important than the date thing. It quickly became evident that this was a battle between Jes and Heather. Jes goes Lawrence Taylor ala Theisman (not a link for the squeamish thanks to both content and quality) on Lacey’s leg. Heather…well, she just does what she does and her pants jump off of her. In the end, Heathers super-stripper trump card is not enough for Jes’ last second Peter Warrick imitation. Jes gets the MVP and gets to wear Brett’s jacket, which would be cool if we were all still in Junior High School.

Enter solo date.

Jes gets naked. SIKE! No. Instead, she shows up at a bar and gets to hear Brett sings her a song and then they connect over dinner. Yeah, I’m as let down as you are. They did take a moment to talk about “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn.” Seriously…this song manages to get mixed into every. single. show. No Jes in her underwear = lame, so I ain’t talking about it no more.

They come home to a letter from Super Stripper pot-kettling all the other girls (and Magdalene too). Super Stripper and Brett talk….BLAH BLAH BLAH…Erin’s a whore…BLAH BLAH BLAH…Justin Timberlake…BLAH BLAH BLAH…these girls can’t fuck you like I do..BLAH BLAH BLAH…

Next comes the group date….a day at the shooting range with the girls handling/shooting some pistols. This test proves too complicated, and Mandalena shows the sort of pistol skills that could only come from a lifetime of handling guns (I love these double entendres). This is all followed by dinner at the lodge. A lodge with a whole fucking shit-ton of trophy mounts on the walls and no Lacey…..Here is where my problem comes in.

This should have been Lacey’s friggin date! WTF? Put the god damn Peta member in the fucking room decorated in animal heads and let the hilarity ensue. This ain’t rocket science people. VH1 you failed. You had great TV in your hands and you dropped it. Please do not fuck up again. I am watching Brett’s botoxed/weaved ass shoot whores in the barrel for these very moments, and you drop the freaking ball. Fox wouldn’t make these mistakes.

Erin gets run off and on the way says, “I have had bigger and better stars than Bret Michaels.” Good riddance….go back to your swanky hotel bar, there is no place for call girls on this show anyway.

This week’s songs:

This first goes out to Jen and Brett on their first date: Poison - Tearin’ Down The Walls
This one goes out to Mandalena and her gun handling skills: Beastie Boys - Sure Shot
This one, once again, they talk about it every single week: Poison - Every Rose Has It’s Thorn
Finally, this one is dedicated to Erin (and her twin globes of truth and beauty) and is inspired by her admittance to being a serial star fucker…second stanza: Everlast - Ends

Today’s lesson: Don’t judge a band by its name. If I said, “Man, you should check out Cicada Omega” and left it at that, you would probably assume it was some metal outfit. If any doubt remained, the moment you saw the cd cover you would know it…and probably ignore the cd, and what a disservice you would have done yourself. Now, if I said “Southern Goth” from Kentucky, you would think Legendary ShackShakers…not quite, but you are on the right path.

Cicada Omega is a band of four Kentuckians that somehow found themselves together in the City of Roses, playing homemade instruments and sporting some of ninebullets.net’s favorite artists in their myspace profile. The myspace profile is what caught my attention. Anyone sporting Biram and Slim Cessna in their myspace friends list has to be a friend of mine, so I reached out to the band and asked for some tunes. What I got was a five-track sampler of the cd they are planning to release this fall. Five tracks of loud and brash hill country blues meets a Sunday’s repetance.

As Rev. B. D. Winfield’s vocals say, “Everyone’s lookin’ for something real to grasp onto. When shit hits the fan, you want somethin’ real you can feel in your soul.” Those out there lookin’ should head over to Cicada’s website and order the demo and keep an eye out for the full-length cd this fall.

Cicada Omega - Had A Dream
Cicada Omega - This Time Another Year

I really like one-man bands, I think over the past year that has become evident. I’ve never invested a lot of time into analyzing why that is, but I’d venture to guess it has something to do with the raw frantic energy and sloppy/dirty sound they tend to possess.

Petit Vodo is Sebastien Chevalier, a French one-man Blues act. Covering drums, guitar, harmonica and vocals, as well as adding dashes of radio interference and triggering samples, he blurs the line between electronic, punk, blues and nu-blues so much that I really have a hard time putting his music into any one genre, so we’ll call it “Blues Stew”. This cd deserves to be checked out just to hear rock/blues delivered through a thick French accent, and for one-man band fans, this is well worth looking into.

Petit Vodo - PoorDavyCrocketttravels
Petit Vodo - A Black Girl In My Heart
Petit Vodo - Skip James At Paradise

Petit Vodo on myspace, Buy Paradise from Lollipop Records

Here is a Petit Vodo video:

The fine people over at New West Records have given me a pair of tickets for Saturday’s show at The Crowbar and a signed tour lithograph to give away to you fine readers. So here is the deal…the first person locally (Tampa Bay area) to answer the following trivia question correctly will win the tickets to the show. The second local person or the first non-local correct answer will win the signed lithograph.

-=Give Away Completed=- 

Question: What colors are mentioned in Jason’s song, Goddamn Lonely Love, from the Drive-By Trucker album, The Dirty South?

-=Give Away Completed=-

Email me your answers and I’ll contact the winners.

It’s been quiet around town for a few weeks, but it looks like this weekend will be making up for it. When it rains it pours, I guess, but it’s better than sitting at home and watching pre-season football.

Friday Night @ Skipper’s Smokehouse:

Jacksonville’s own JJ Grey & Mofro bring their swamp-infused brand of front porch blues/soul music to the Skipperdome. I have never seen these guys live, but everyone I know who has is telling me it is gonna be one of my favorite shows of the year, and I’m totally buying into it, too. I’m loving their new cd, Country Ghetto, and judging from the tunes I can glean from archive.org, the band is tight and energetic. Besides, what could be better than an August night eating fried catfish and gator tail while listening to some bluesy soul music?

JJ Grey and Mofro - Tragic

Opening up for Mofro is a group quickly taking over as my favorite local band, Nervous Turkey. Playing a brand of blues dirtier than a country boy’s, feet Nervous Turkey always puts on an entertaining show and will make for a perfect opener for this evening. So, come out, drink beers, eat fried food and have a good time.

Nervous Turkey - Too Late for Romance

Show starts at 8:00 and tickets will be $22.00.

Saturday Night @ Crowbar:

from aes presents:

“After amicably breaking away from his gig as an axman and songrwriter for DRIVE-BY TRUCKERS, Isbell returns with his first solo outing, a gorgeously whiskey-soaked Country-Soul masterpiece. It’s a perfect soundtrack for rocking on the porch or crying into your PBR.” - highly recommended for fans of DRIVE-BY TRUCKERS, RYAN ADAMS, UNCLE TUPELO, KINGS OF LEON, THE BOTTLE ROCKETS, etc. - from Muscle Shoals, AL - brand new record, “Sirens of the Ditch”, out now on New West.

I have been looking forward to this show for a few months now. If you are a fan of the rock show this is a must-see. Opening up for Jason is Denton, Texas’ Centro-matic. They come in with a root-rock/alt-country sound and seven albums under their belt. Always a good show, there is no reason for you to show up late for this show.

Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit - Try

Doors are at 9:00 and tickets will be $12.00.

ADDITIONAL JASON ISBELL AND CENTRO-MATIC MP3′S ARE AVAILAVLE HERE.

Saturday Night @ Janus Landing:

Like I said earlier, when it rains it pours. Weeks of nothing and then we get two shows on the same damn night. If it weren’t for the Jason Isbell show, I would be at this show for sure. Tech N9ne, Kottonmouth Kings and Hed PE bring it to St. Pete. I don’t really know what the definition of ‘Krunk’ is, but when I think about seeing Tech live, I think K.R.U.N.K.. Fans of that hiphop sound should be at this show. Then email me and tell me what I missed.

Tech N9ne - The Industry is Punks

Doors are at 7:30 and tickets will be $28.00

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the genre that is the Blues is a genre that, while great when heard on studio recordings, is something that is best heard live. As the title of Hillstomp’s latest effort would suggest, it is also best heard after two but before five…in the morning, that is. As I said the last time I wrote about Hillstomp, “Boogie Woogie blues make you hafta dance. Hillstomp is Boogie Woogie Blues.” The live disc makes makes no exception to those statements.

Recorded over two nights in Eugene and Portland, Oregon and coming in at 12 tracks, the disc features covers of tunes from RL Burnside, Mississippi Fred McDowell and Bukka White, with original Hillstomp songs mixed in. If you are a fan of that North Mississippi/Appalachian blues sound, this is a cd you need to check out.

Hillstomp - Rollin’ and Tumblin’
Hillstomp - Poor Black Mattie
Hillstomp - Shake Em On Down

For those of you in the area: Hillstomp will be playing the ridiculously awesome Deep Blues Festival this Saturday.

Hillstomp’s Official Site, Hillstomp on myspace, Buy After Two But Before Five

A couple of weeks back, I ran out at lunchtime to buy the new Jason Isbell album. I dunno if it was being offered as a reward for buying the cd or if was a reward for shopping at a locally-owned record store, but, I was give a free cd entitled Let’s Get Physical from Red (an artist development company). The cd is okay, I suppose. I am not too big on compilations unless they have some sort of central theme, so I only listened to it a few times. There are a couple of unreleased/exclusive tracks on it, so I figured since the cd has been out for awhile and isn’t something you can actually buy, that I’d go ahead and post them here.

Peter Bjorn & John - Young Folks (Beyond the Wizards Sleeve Re-Animation)
^{original version available on WRITER’S BLOCK}

Rodrigo Y Gabriela - Tamacun (Live at TLA, Dec. ‘06)
_{original version available on RODRIGO Y GABRIELA}

The Avette Brothers - In the Curve (live)
_{for more Avette Brothers, check out EMOTIONALISM}

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - The Show is About to Begin
^{_{for more BRMC, check out BABY 81}}

Buffalo Tom - Man in Me
^{_{for more Buffalo Tom, check out THREE EASY PIECES}}

Gomez - Hamoa Beach
^{for more Gomez, check out HOW WE OPERATE}